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Thread: My Mind (Remix)

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    Newbie 59wayz is off to a good start 59wayz's Avatar
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    My Mind (Remix)

    I sit here with my peoples
    smoking on a fat cigar with an herbal flavor
    The smoke fills the air with happiness appearing in a shapeless form
    It rises and rises
    then disappears, To never be seen again

    As I puff this delicious herb I think to myself
    Is this the mind I must wander?
    Will this herb make me more knowledgeable?
    Have my thoughts become more clear?
    Is this how I imagine my voice to sound?

    The truth is, I'm higher then life
    I'm on top of the world
    of course my own world
    The world that doesn't exist
    Or does it?

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    Devoted Otaku bratling may be famous one day bratling's Avatar
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    Re: My Mind (Remix)

    Even though there was no definitive flow or form persay to this poem I understood it well and I rather enjoyed it. Well done. <3 The wording is lovely and the message was well spoken. I saw the smoke and felt the relaxation/release of anxiety.

    You never really loved me/You never really cared/It was all just a game to boost your ego/Those feelings never really there/ I'm filing emotional bankruptcy/My heart can take no more debt/Theres no more "money" there to spend. === Besides tee hee SHE loves me!

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    Re: My Mind (Remix)

    Sorry but really didnt care for it k but keep righting you well get better.

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    Re: My Mind (Remix)

    Though I have to agree with bratling that there's wasn't much definitive flow or structure to talk about, I like the atmosphere you've set up. That blissful, ignorant air... And I haven't seen many poems on Anime Online on smoking (Marijuana, right? You mentioned a herb and it really sounds like it...), either. This one's actually... the word, there's something for this... Ah, yes! It speaks out, and it (especially the last stanza) lingers.
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    Re: My Mind (Remix)

    Quote Originally Posted by The GunGrave of Trigun View Post
    Sorry but really didnt care for it k but keep righting you well get better.
    first off disreguard that. thats not critcism at all. thats just not reading and a fake answer.

    it was defiantly alright. it reminded me of a acid trip almost.but a good idea would be to take the ideas and make them flow. to a beat. whichever you choose but some kind of beat.im a free form writer also so i know this is harder for us but youll get it down.
    im really doin this!! start making money today! <a href="http://www.fusioncash.net/?ref=ke101544"><img src="http://www.fusioncash.net/sig.php/0e40e75b752dx3.png" alt="Free Money at FusionCash!" title="Free Money at FusionCash!" border="0"></a>

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    Re: My Mind (Remix)

    Quote Originally Posted by animechick View Post
    first off disreguard that. thats not critcism at all. thats just not reading and a fake answer.

    it was defiantly alright. it reminded me of a acid trip almost.but a good idea would be to take the ideas and make them flow. to a beat. whichever you choose but some kind of beat.im a free form writer also so i know this is harder for us but youll get it down.
    Agreed, don't pay that kid any attention. This isn't your best work, but it wasn't bad. I've already verbally told you what I thought about it before you posted, but I forgot to mention that I do like how you question the herb and what the causes and affects/effects are.

    There was an issue with the flow, but I'm sure that it's hard to keep a good flow when you're writing straight from the top of the head--at random, pretty much. But, never-the-less, you did pretty good.


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