My Nightmare

For3v3r_Lost · Sep 12, 2006, 03:49 PM

Sometimes I feel weak
I have to be strong
Where is the answer I seek?
Something has gone wrong
I could feel it within me
Is it within you too?
There's something within me
Can you feel it too?

I wish I could see it so clear
This moment is my fear
I try to get away, run
Trying to replace it with something numb
I'm going to face this nightmare
I'm beginning to fall, I'm scared
This is my total nightmare

Sometimes I want to cry
I can't do this
I have to just try
I'm so sick of this
I could see it within me
Can you feel it too?
Pulling out something within me
Can you see it too?

I wish I could find it so clear
My eyes is filled with tears
I'm try to get away, run
Trying to replace it with something numb
I'm going to end this nightmare
I'm beginning to fall, I'm scared
This is my total nightmare

Am I still in this nightmare?
Am I still alone?
Your cold eyes that stare,
With painful emotion, it hurts me

I wish I could see it so clear
This moment is my fear
I try to get away, run
Trying to replace it with something numb
I'm going to face this nightmare (end it)
I'm beginning to fall, I'm scared
This is my total nightmare

*Kasai* · Sep 13, 2006, 02:36 AM

Sometimes I feel weak
I have to be strong
Where is the answer I seek?
Something has gone wrong
I could feel it within me
Is it within you too?
There's something within me
Can you feel it too?

There are two emotions that I recognize in this stanza. I'd suggest only having one and elaborating on that feeling. Then making a transitional verse and moving on to the next. Your stanzas could be longer or shorter, but they need to be something other than what you have. Actually, they dont need to be. It'd just be more appealing.

BlueFox1 · Sep 13, 2006, 03:30 AM

The emotion in this poem is well written, just in one stanza it gets confusing because there are two emotions that are being portrayed! Overall great poem and keep up the good work!

BlueFox1

baikuza · Sep 13, 2006, 03:39 AM

hm...
i also dislike to be weak.

by the way... i hope you are not really depressed as the "soul" in this poetry, your poetry.

For3v3r_Lost · Sep 13, 2006, 03:43 PM

The poem actually explains how I feel weak but I can't let that happen so I had to be strong. That's how I felt before with all the fights and stress I've had and a relationship that I didn't see something coming but it was too late to go back and change it since it was long ago. Now I've looked back and saw how much I've changed and decided to write a poem about it. Sorry if it's confusing.

!Shinobi- · Sep 13, 2006, 04:07 PM

i love it, there is a great sense of feeling and it gives you a great visual effect you can almost see and feel the stuggle inside. wondering if the real person will win or the nightmare......

anyway I think it is great

samurai deeper kyo · Sep 13, 2006, 05:38 PM

Good poem i can tell ur really into poems. Oh and by the way have you considered joining the poems/fanfics clan.

For3v3r_Lost · Sep 13, 2006, 05:42 PM

I havent heard of it...lol Well I would love to join. Yeah I really love poems and songs. Mostly I wrote songs more than poems.

samurai deeper kyo · Sep 13, 2006, 05:45 PM

Glad to let you know of the clan

Sep 12, 2006, 03:49 PM	#1 (permalink)
For3v3r_Lost Diamond in the Rough Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: My own little world Posts: 249 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Credits: 410	My Nightmare Sometimes I feel weak I have to be strong Where is the answer I seek? Something has gone wrong I could feel it within me Is it within you too? There's something within me Can you feel it too? I wish I could see it so clear This moment is my fear I try to get away, run Trying to replace it with something numb I'm going to face this nightmare I'm beginning to fall, I'm scared This is my total nightmare Sometimes I want to cry I can't do this I have to just try I'm so sick of this I could see it within me Can you feel it too? Pulling out something within me Can you see it too? I wish I could find it so clear My eyes is filled with tears I'm try to get away, run Trying to replace it with something numb I'm going to end this nightmare I'm beginning to fall, I'm scared This is my total nightmare Am I still in this nightmare? Am I still alone? Your cold eyes that stare, With painful emotion, it hurts me I wish I could see it so clear This moment is my fear I try to get away, run Trying to replace it with something numb I'm going to face this nightmare (end it) I'm beginning to fall, I'm scared This is my total nightmare __________________ .:\|Myspace Profile\|.:.\|My Forum\|.:.\|My AO Gallery\|.:.\|My December\|:. "I love you with all my heart that I can't explain how much in words."
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Sep 13, 2006, 02:36 AM	#2 (permalink)
Kasai Domme Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Florida Posts: 2,745 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Credits: 1,490	Re: My Nightmare Sometimes I feel weak I have to be strong Where is the answer I seek? Something has gone wrong I could feel it within me Is it within you too? There's something within me Can you feel it too? There are two emotions that I recognize in this stanza. I'd suggest only having one and elaborating on that feeling. Then making a transitional verse and moving on to the next. Your stanzas could be longer or shorter, but they need to be something other than what you have. Actually, they dont need to be. It'd just be more appealing. __________________ Seduced by Flesh
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Sep 13, 2006, 03:30 AM	#3 (permalink)
BlueFox1 Upcoming Legend Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: A place called Midnight Sun know as Tranquility Posts: 584 Thanks: 8 Thanked 6 Times in 6 Posts Credits: 1,176	Re: My Nightmare The emotion in this poem is well written, just in one stanza it gets confusing because there are two emotions that are being portrayed! Overall great poem and keep up the good work! BlueFox1
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Sep 13, 2006, 03:39 AM	#4 (permalink)
baikuza Diamond in the Rough Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: should i? Posts: 298 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Credits: 110	Re: My Nightmare hm... i also dislike to be weak. by the way... i hope you are not really depressed as the "soul" in this poetry, your poetry. __________________ .: Gallery :. .: My Live Space :.
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Sep 13, 2006, 03:43 PM	#5 (permalink)
For3v3r_Lost Diamond in the Rough Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: My own little world Posts: 249 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Credits: 410	Re: My Nightmare The poem actually explains how I feel weak but I can't let that happen so I had to be strong. That's how I felt before with all the fights and stress I've had and a relationship that I didn't see something coming but it was too late to go back and change it since it was long ago. Now I've looked back and saw how much I've changed and decided to write a poem about it. Sorry if it's confusing. __________________ .:\|Myspace Profile\|.:.\|My Forum\|.:.\|My AO Gallery\|.:.\|My December\|:. "I love you with all my heart that I can't explain how much in words."
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Sep 13, 2006, 04:07 PM	#6 (permalink)
!Shinobi- Banned Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Hell Posts: 50 Thanks: 0 Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post Credits: -200	Re: My Nightmare i love it, there is a great sense of feeling and it gives you a great visual effect you can almost see and feel the stuggle inside. wondering if the real person will win or the nightmare...... anyway I think it is great
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Sep 13, 2006, 05:38 PM	#7 (permalink)
samurai deeper kyo Newbie Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: somewhere where anime lives on -_- Posts: 34 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Credits: 10	Re: My Nightmare Good poem i can tell ur really into poems. Oh and by the way have you considered joining the poems/fanfics clan. __________________
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Sep 13, 2006, 05:42 PM	#8 (permalink)
For3v3r_Lost Diamond in the Rough Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: My own little world Posts: 249 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Credits: 410	Re: My Nightmare I havent heard of it...lol Well I would love to join. Yeah I really love poems and songs. Mostly I wrote songs more than poems. __________________ .:\|Myspace Profile\|.:.\|My Forum\|.:.\|My AO Gallery\|.:.\|My December\|:. "I love you with all my heart that I can't explain how much in words."
Status: Offline

Sep 13, 2006, 05:45 PM	#9 (permalink)
samurai deeper kyo Newbie Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: somewhere where anime lives on -_- Posts: 34 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Credits: 10	Re: My Nightmare Glad to let you know of the clan __________________
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