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Thread: Mystery

  1. #1
    Otaku moonlight_child may be famous one day moonlight_child may be famous one day moonlight_child's Avatar
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    Mystery

    As I lay here up a bed of grass,
    the sunlight is waking up.
    As I watch the clouds rise up in the sky,
    the rose begin to show.
    What is it about the sunrise that draws me here,
    to this place that keeps me trapped?

    As I listen to the bird's song quiet down,
    the owl's voice is heard.
    As I watch the stars begin to glisten,
    the roses hide from me.
    What is it about the night that draws me here,
    to this place that keeps me trapped?

    As I listen to your breathing I hear
    the rhythm of your voice.
    As I sense your eyes upon me
    the feeling of your gaze.
    You are the reason I'm drawn here,
    to this place that keeps me trapped.
    Please go away...
    Love is like a gust of wind; it blows and then goes away...
    Without you, my soul goes out of control on the brink of danger...
    My world is already in a violent storm

  2. #2
    Otaku Dune Bashing In Dubai Champion, Yetisports 10 - Icicle Climb Champion, Yeti Bubbles Champion overload is off to a good start overload's Avatar
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    Re: Mystery

    hello Moonlight. and I will now bow to you for your beautiful poem.
    *bows* I must say that is it wonderfully written and very imaginative.

    this is a lovely stanza...

    As I listen to your breathing I hear
    the rhythm of your voice.
    As I sense your eyes upon me
    the feeling of your gaze.
    You are the reason I'm drawn here,
    to this place that keeps me trapped.
    Please go away...

    and I think I will leave it at that. well done.

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    Angelic Lasura may be famous one day Lasura's Avatar
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    Re: Mystery

    Well this was nice too ^^

    I found the first lines of the stranzas odd though, ecause you repeated "As I"... "As I"... It felt odd... Maybe you should find another way of saying that... Just a suggestion to make this piece a bit better. Also the times (gramar stuff) seemed a bit odd here but mabe it's just me...

    What I loved were the last lines, where you said "What draws me here".. those parts were realy nice... And the ending was just great!... In quite a disturbing way though... Because it all just changed so suddenly... it all seemed very nice untill you said the words "go away" But it's great- genial I must say. And I can imagine why someone would ask such a thing..

    My recommended fanfic: "Dreamer" by Scourge

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    Otaku moonlight_child may be famous one day moonlight_child may be famous one day moonlight_child's Avatar
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    Re: Mystery

    Thank you. Again sorry about the whole odd stranzas... I'll be working on trying to improve that. This poem for me is very emotional, I put my feelings all into and what happened in the end I just wanted it all to go away. So I guess it was like a memory/mystery.
    Love is like a gust of wind; it blows and then goes away...
    Without you, my soul goes out of control on the brink of danger...
    My world is already in a violent storm

  5. #5
    Otaku Robo Soccer Champion, Gorillaz Groove Session Champion blackrose92 is off to a good start blackrose92's Avatar
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    Re: Mystery

    well it was a good poem but a bit choppy at times.
    uhm at some lines i really didnt get what you were trying to say..uhm
    "the rose begin to show."

    "As I watch the stars begin to glisten,
    the roses hide from me."

    I mean you have great images in your poem but i think next time mqake sure the whole poem flows smoothly

    but good job tho
    I'm the best you'll ever have because i am that f*ing AMA-zing chic who can stand on her own d*n feet and becasue of you I am the Greatest Thank you so much SasuraiHell and Gwen

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