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Thread: Need critique..

  1. #1
    Otaku -=Broken^Halo=- may be famous one day -=Broken^Halo=- may be famous one day -=Broken^Halo=-'s Avatar
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    Need critique..

    Basically.. tell me how I'm doing so far.. I'll re-edit this when I'm finished.

    [Untitled]

    These diamond droplets that speed away,
    Sparkling iridescent sparks of sorrow.
    Tomorrow, just another day.
    Another glimpse of irrelevance

    Morose and cynical laughter resonate,
    down corridors of empty manors.
    Banners that begin to separate,
    lovers that ardor forevermore.

    A frail and rapt princess of lands,
    that sees only artificial gardens.
    Bargained for a lovers hands,
    who’d show caressed finesse.
    Fr3aK~0f~N@Tu|23

  2. #2
    Domme Kasai may be famous one day Kasai may be famous one day Kasai's Avatar
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    Re: Need critique..

    These diamond droplets that speed away,
    Sparkling iridescent sparks of sorrow.
    Tomorrow, just another day.
    Another glimpse of irrelevance


    In the second verse, is "sparks" needed? I'd like to see how thes sparks of feeltoyou. Are they sorrorful? Or areyou? Are you understanding? Lemme' give an example:

    The sorrowful iridescence of their spakles.

    And the last two verses of the first stanza?I'd like to see those form their own stanza with some elaboration.

    Kind of like that.

    Morose and cynical laughter resonate,
    down corridors of empty manors.
    Banners that begin to separate,
    lovers that ardor forevermore.


    Here you have morose/cynical, as well as ardor. Again, the last two verses could form their own stanza.

    A frail and rapt princess of lands,
    that sees only artificial gardens.
    Bargained for a lovers hands,
    who’d show caressed finesse.


    You just threw this princess into the poem. where was she and how did she enter the picture? I'm a bit confused.
    Seduced by Flesh


  3. #3
    Newbie Vain may be famous one day Vain may be famous one day Vain's Avatar
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    Re: Need critique..

    its good i realy like it, nice poem uve wrote it well good job :P

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