Nightmare

*equinn* · Sep 22, 2006, 03:42 PM

maybe if i go over there he may see
me as a person but if i do he may awww i dont like to talk about that
but if he comes to me how can i say no to him
i have been with him for 2years
and i cant get away
even if i wanted to i cant cos i dont know what could happen
he could kill me or kill him self i dont know but i cant
leave him now or ever to i get free from this
night mair
can i wake up plz let me wake up from this dream of mine

kedar · Sep 22, 2006, 04:01 PM

~! ^^ Your poem definitely has potential, but with a touch of descriptive words, clear stanzes, and shorter sentences, this poem of yours can turn into a great piece. The theme is great, but try to work a little more with it, keeping what I said in mind.

Use a thesaurus, if needed, to find depictive words!

-Title corrected-

Pride_Edward · Sep 23, 2006, 01:18 AM

This poem rather looked like a bunch of sentences not stanzas...Maybe you should correct the arrangement of your poem,this might confuse the readers. They will think that this is a topic and not a poem to be discussed...

*equinn* · Sep 23, 2006, 08:17 AM

awwwww ok and thanks alot ^_^ for your help

tifa4cloud · Nov 13, 2006, 04:31 AM

ooooooo i likes loads!!!!!!!!!!! keep up the good work lizzie babe xoxox

*equinn* · Nov 13, 2006, 04:41 AM

tifa u sound sooo like a prep what happend u ???? *crys*

tifa4cloud · Nov 13, 2006, 04:44 AM

umm i dont know but im just real happy go lucky emo now

*BlueFox1* · Nov 13, 2006, 10:54 AM

Your poems still have a deeper meaning underlying in each word! I think you did a great job writing it, but if I may make a suggestion breaking them down into stanzas would help the reader a little bit, unless you meant to write it like this!(just a suggestion). Well I hope to read more of your work equinn!

*equinn* · Nov 17, 2006, 07:58 AM

aww thank you ^_^
and thanks for the suggestion ^_^

Dark wolf · Nov 17, 2006, 08:05 AM

i like the potential in this poem but i agree with the others about the line work, but its still a good poem keep it up

*equinn* · Nov 22, 2006, 02:38 PM

aww thank you dark wolf and every one who comented it really helps

Sep 22, 2006, 03:42 PM	#1 (permalink)
equinn Ao's official cat girl~★ Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Emerald island (Eire) (Ireland) Posts: 1,682 Thanks: 11 Thanked 30 Times in 28 Posts Credits: 19,811	Nightmare maybe if i go over there he may see me as a person but if i do he may awww i dont like to talk about that but if he comes to me how can i say no to him i have been with him for 2years and i cant get away even if i wanted to i cant cos i dont know what could happen he could kill me or kill him self i dont know but i cant leave him now or ever to i get free from this night mair can i wake up plz let me wake up from this dream of mine __________________ Lizzie + Phil together for 8 months! and to be longer! WOOP! http://neko-panda.deviantart.com/
Status: Online

Sep 22, 2006, 04:01 PM	#2 (permalink)
kedar Warrior Monk Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Monk Society Posts: 2,973 Thanks: 3 Thanked 7 Times in 7 Posts Credits: 18,292	Re: Nightmare ~! ^^ Your poem definitely has potential, but with a touch of descriptive words, clear stanzes, and shorter sentences, this poem of yours can turn into a great piece. The theme is great, but try to work a little more with it, keeping what I said in mind. Use a thesaurus, if needed, to find depictive words! -Title corrected- __________________ Who's where today? Last edited by kedar; Sep 22, 2006 at 05:02 PM.
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Sep 23, 2006, 01:18 AM	#3 (permalink)
Pride_Edward Diamond in the Rough Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 247 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Credits: 110	Re: Nightmare This poem rather looked like a bunch of sentences not stanzas...Maybe you should correct the arrangement of your poem,this might confuse the readers. They will think that this is a topic and not a poem to be discussed... __________________ Our own site: http://www.fma-adikz.tk Last edited by Pride_Edward; Sep 23, 2006 at 01:21 AM.
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Sep 23, 2006, 08:17 AM	#4 (permalink)
equinn Ao's official cat girl~★ Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Emerald island (Eire) (Ireland) Posts: 1,682 Thanks: 11 Thanked 30 Times in 28 Posts Credits: 19,811	Re: Nightmare awwwww ok and thanks alot ^_^ for your help __________________ Lizzie + Phil together for 8 months! and to be longer! WOOP! http://neko-panda.deviantart.com/
Status: Online

Nov 13, 2006, 04:31 AM	#5 (permalink)
tifa4cloud Diamond in the Rough Join Date: May 2006 Location: ireland Posts: 166 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Credits: 1,623	Re: Nightmare ooooooo i likes loads!!!!!!!!!!! keep up the good work lizzie babe xoxox __________________ thank you equinn
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Nov 13, 2006, 04:41 AM	#6 (permalink)
equinn Ao's official cat girl~★ Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Emerald island (Eire) (Ireland) Posts: 1,682 Thanks: 11 Thanked 30 Times in 28 Posts Credits: 19,811	Re: Nightmare tifa u sound sooo like a prep what happend u ???? crys __________________ Lizzie + Phil together for 8 months! and to be longer! WOOP! http://neko-panda.deviantart.com/
Status: Online

Nov 13, 2006, 04:44 AM	#7 (permalink)
tifa4cloud Diamond in the Rough Join Date: May 2006 Location: ireland Posts: 166 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Credits: 1,623	Re: Nightmare umm i dont know but im just real happy go lucky emo now __________________ thank you equinn
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Nov 13, 2006, 10:54 AM	#8 (permalink)
BlueFox1 Devoted Otaku Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: A place called Midnight Sun know as Tranquility Posts: 584 Thanks: 8 Thanked 6 Times in 6 Posts Credits: 1,286	Re: Nightmare Your poems still have a deeper meaning underlying in each word! I think you did a great job writing it, but if I may make a suggestion breaking them down into stanzas would help the reader a little bit, unless you meant to write it like this!(just a suggestion). Well I hope to read more of your work equinn! __________________
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Nov 17, 2006, 07:58 AM	#9 (permalink)
equinn Ao's official cat girl~★ Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Emerald island (Eire) (Ireland) Posts: 1,682 Thanks: 11 Thanked 30 Times in 28 Posts Credits: 19,811	Re: Nightmare aww thank you ^_^ and thanks for the suggestion ^_^ __________________ Lizzie + Phil together for 8 months! and to be longer! WOOP! http://neko-panda.deviantart.com/
Status: Online

Nov 17, 2006, 08:05 AM	#10 (permalink)
Dark wolf Diamond in the Rough Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: got stuck in a middle of a forest and stayed Posts: 154 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Credits: 210	Re: Nightmare i like the potential in this poem but i agree with the others about the line work, but its still a good poem keep it up __________________ /private/var/tmp/folders.501/TemporaryItems/com.apple.PhotoBooth-T0x307f90.tmp.nUlCWX/Photo 4.jpghttp://img379.imageshack.us/img379/232/noobclanks5.gif
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Nov 22, 2006, 02:38 PM	#11 (permalink)
equinn Ao's official cat girl~★ Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Emerald island (Eire) (Ireland) Posts: 1,682 Thanks: 11 Thanked 30 Times in 28 Posts Credits: 19,811	Re: Nightmare aww thank you dark wolf and every one who comented it really helps __________________ Lizzie + Phil together for 8 months! and to be longer! WOOP! http://neko-panda.deviantart.com/
Status: Online

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