no title

*hellknight* · Jan 05, 2007, 08:05 AM

why do i always feel pain
life leaves a bruise
this is just like a game
but am not gonna lose

i'll keep pushing it
and i won't stop
no till the moment
or the day i drop

i wanna stay alive
ain't no way am gonna die
am gonna survive
and it ain't no lie

i know am gonna make it home
get to my family
i want to be home
feeling all happily

LostbutFound · Jan 05, 2007, 08:53 AM

i wanna stay alive
ain't no way am gonna die
am gonna survive
and it ain't no lie

great i love this stanza
add some commas and perfecto

Soldat of life · Jan 05, 2007, 09:42 AM

Very positive and a good show at perseverance. It has quite a touch of simply words, but the rhyming makes it that much more thought out. Just missing the captials at the start of each line

EDIT: 700th post, w00t xD

*hellknight* · Jan 05, 2007, 11:24 AM

then i'll do better, thanks everyone for the nice things to say

*Zui Quan* · Jan 05, 2007, 11:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hellknight

i know am gonna make it home
get to my family
i want to be home
feeling all happily

That last line just killed the poem. You want to 'leave 'em wanting more', but it leaves me wanting a dictionary because that attempt to rhyme is forced.

Soldat of life · Jan 06, 2007, 06:31 AM

I found it.

Dictionary Information: Definition Happily - Description Meaning Thesaurus

I remember using that word once or twice...though you'd need to look through all my writings to find it...and I don't wanna look. Just click on "poetry corner" in my signature area

*Ky-lyrra* · Jan 09, 2007, 07:32 PM

I loved it but I would recommend not starting a sentence with "and" or "or". Then I would recommend you capitalizing your I's and putting commas and periods in your sentence. Othe then that your poem is great and I really like it.

*ketaro* · Jan 10, 2007, 03:57 AM

It was a nice peom, but it needs capitalization and punctuation. Overall, it was a kool poem.

*hellknight* · Jan 11, 2007, 07:39 AM

Ky-lyrra:thanks I'll keep that in mind

Ketaro:alright man, I'll keep this in mind too, I'll do much better in my mistakes

Jan 05, 2007, 08:05 AM	#1 (permalink)
hellknight Hell Enforcer Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Somewhere in SD. Posts: 1,604 Thanks: 7 Thanked 8 Times in 8 Posts Credits: 24,596	no title why do i always feel pain life leaves a bruise this is just like a game but am not gonna lose i'll keep pushing it and i won't stop no till the moment or the day i drop i wanna stay alive ain't no way am gonna die am gonna survive and it ain't no lie i know am gonna make it home get to my family i want to be home feeling all happily
Status: Online

Jan 05, 2007, 09:42 AM	#3 (permalink)
Soldat of life RPG Lord and Master/Poet Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Sainte-Foy, Qc (Canada) Posts: 862 Thanks: 1 Thanked 10 Times in 10 Posts Credits: 5,581	Re: no title Very positive and a good show at perseverance. It has quite a touch of simply words, but the rhyming makes it that much more thought out. Just missing the captials at the start of each line EDIT: 700th post, w00t xD __________________ Thanks to Xelhes for this amazing work of art ^.^ Poetry Corner
Status: Offline

Jan 05, 2007, 11:24 AM	#4 (permalink)
hellknight Hell Enforcer Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Somewhere in SD. Posts: 1,604 Thanks: 7 Thanked 8 Times in 8 Posts Credits: 24,596	Re: no title then i'll do better, thanks everyone for the nice things to say
Status: Online

Jan 06, 2007, 06:31 AM	#6 (permalink)
Soldat of life RPG Lord and Master/Poet Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Sainte-Foy, Qc (Canada) Posts: 862 Thanks: 1 Thanked 10 Times in 10 Posts Credits: 5,581	Re: no title I found it. Dictionary Information: Definition Happily - Description Meaning Thesaurus I remember using that word once or twice...though you'd need to look through all my writings to find it...and I don't wanna look. Just click on "poetry corner" in my signature area __________________ Thanks to Xelhes for this amazing work of art ^.^ Poetry Corner
Status: Offline

Jan 09, 2007, 07:32 PM	#7 (permalink)
Ky-lyrra Lost In My Own World Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Fruityville, Florida Posts: 1,532 Thanks: 4 Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post Credits: 5,282	Re: no title I loved it but I would recommend not starting a sentence with "and" or "or". Then I would recommend you capitalizing your I's and putting commas and periods in your sentence. Othe then that your poem is great and I really like it. __________________ ™Mommy To Micah!™ Thanks For The Tag Aiora!
Status: Offline

Welcome to AnimeOnline.net, your personal Anime Community!	Anime Online Rulez!

Jan 10, 2007, 03:57 AM	#8 (permalink)
ketaro Its Over 9000! Join Date: Apr 2005 Posts: 4,247 Thanks: 27 Thanked 34 Times in 32 Posts Credits: 24,435	Re: no title It was a nice peom, but it needs capitalization and punctuation. Overall, it was a kool poem.
Status: Offline

Jan 11, 2007, 07:39 AM	#9 (permalink)
hellknight Hell Enforcer Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Somewhere in SD. Posts: 1,604 Thanks: 7 Thanked 8 Times in 8 Posts Credits: 24,596	Re: no title Ky-lyrra:thanks I'll keep that in mind Ketaro:alright man, I'll keep this in mind too, I'll do much better in my mistakes
Status: Online

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode

Similar Threads
Thread	Thread Starter	Forum	Replies	Last Post
no title	kira_17	Poems	5	Jan 03, 2007 11:50 AM
no title	FLawEdmiNd	Poems	1	Nov 24, 2006 07:12 AM
no title	fayt lingod	Poems	5	Oct 22, 2006 05:29 PM
No Title	HieisLove	Library	2	Sep 20, 2006 10:21 PM
No title (sorry)	Blade X	Poems	4	Sep 20, 2006 08:39 PM