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Old Jan 05, 2007, 08:05 AM   #1 (permalink)
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no title

why do i always feel pain
life leaves a bruise
this is just like a game
but am not gonna lose

i'll keep pushing it
and i won't stop
no till the moment
or the day i drop

i wanna stay alive
ain't no way am gonna die
am gonna survive
and it ain't no lie

i know am gonna make it home
get to my family
i want to be home
feeling all happily
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Old Jan 05, 2007, 08:53 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Re: no title

i wanna stay alive
ain't no way am gonna die
am gonna survive
and it ain't no lie

great i love this stanza
add some commas and perfecto
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Old Jan 05, 2007, 09:42 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Re: no title

Very positive and a good show at perseverance. It has quite a touch of simply words, but the rhyming makes it that much more thought out. Just missing the captials at the start of each line

EDIT: 700th post, w00t xD
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Old Jan 05, 2007, 11:24 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Re: no title

then i'll do better, thanks everyone for the nice things to say
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Old Jan 05, 2007, 11:30 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Re: no title

Quote:
Originally Posted by hellknight View Post

i know am gonna make it home
get to my family
i want to be home
feeling all happily

That last line just killed the poem. You want to 'leave 'em wanting more', but it leaves me wanting a dictionary because that attempt to rhyme is forced.
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Old Jan 06, 2007, 06:31 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Re: no title

I found it.

Dictionary Information: Definition Happily - Description Meaning Thesaurus

I remember using that word once or twice...though you'd need to look through all my writings to find it...and I don't wanna look. Just click on "poetry corner" in my signature area
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Old Jan 09, 2007, 07:32 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Re: no title

I loved it but I would recommend not starting a sentence with "and" or "or". Then I would recommend you capitalizing your I's and putting commas and periods in your sentence. Othe then that your poem is great and I really like it.
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Old Jan 10, 2007, 03:57 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Re: no title

It was a nice peom, but it needs capitalization and punctuation. Overall, it was a kool poem.
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Old Jan 11, 2007, 07:39 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Re: no title

Ky-lyrra:thanks I'll keep that in mind

Ketaro:alright man, I'll keep this in mind too, I'll do much better in my mistakes
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