+ Reply to Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2 LastLast
Results 1 to 8 of 9

Thread: no title

  1. #1
    Hell Enforcer George Wants Beer Champion, Monkey Cliff Diving Champion, Tilt 2 Champion hellknight may be famous one day hellknight may be famous one day hellknight's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Location
    Somewhere in SD.
    Posts
    2,596
    Thanks
    17
    Thanked 24 Times in 23 Posts

    no title

    why do i always feel pain
    life leaves a bruise
    this is just like a game
    but am not gonna lose

    i'll keep pushing it
    and i won't stop
    no till the moment
    or the day i drop

    i wanna stay alive
    ain't no way am gonna die
    am gonna survive
    and it ain't no lie

    i know am gonna make it home
    get to my family
    i want to be home
    feeling all happily

  2. #2
    Otaku LostbutFound may be famous one day LostbutFound may be famous one day LostbutFound's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Behind you ...........boo ha im a duck
    Posts
    320
    Thanks
    18
    Thanked 3 Times in 3 Posts

    Re: no title

    i wanna stay alive
    ain't no way am gonna die
    am gonna survive
    and it ain't no lie

    great i love this stanza
    add some commas and perfecto
    Don't tell me the sky is the limit, when there are footprints on the moon


  3. #3
    RPG Lord and Master/Poet Soldat of life may be famous one day Soldat of life may be famous one day Soldat of life's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    Sainte-Foy, Qc (Canada)
    Posts
    881
    Thanks
    1
    Thanked 13 Times in 13 Posts

    Re: no title

    Very positive and a good show at perseverance. It has quite a touch of simply words, but the rhyming makes it that much more thought out. Just missing the captials at the start of each line

    EDIT: 700th post, w00t xD
    Quote Originally Posted by Soldat of life View Post
    My favorite philosopher:
    Hassun

    Thanks to Xelhes for this amazing work of art ^.^
    Poetry Corner CLICK HERE IF YOU KNOW ME

  4. #4
    Hell Enforcer George Wants Beer Champion, Monkey Cliff Diving Champion, Tilt 2 Champion hellknight may be famous one day hellknight may be famous one day hellknight's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Location
    Somewhere in SD.
    Posts
    2,596
    Thanks
    17
    Thanked 24 Times in 23 Posts

    Re: no title

    then i'll do better, thanks everyone for the nice things to say

  5. #5
    M A S T E R Zui Quan may be famous one day Zui Quan may be famous one day Zui Quan's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    A Vastly Superior Place
    Posts
    1,726
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Re: no title

    Quote Originally Posted by hellknight View Post

    i know am gonna make it home
    get to my family
    i want to be home
    feeling all happily

    That last line just killed the poem. You want to 'leave 'em wanting more', but it leaves me wanting a dictionary because that attempt to rhyme is forced.
    Clan? What Clan?
    I'm the Master. I need no Clan.

  6. #6
    RPG Lord and Master/Poet Soldat of life may be famous one day Soldat of life may be famous one day Soldat of life's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    Sainte-Foy, Qc (Canada)
    Posts
    881
    Thanks
    1
    Thanked 13 Times in 13 Posts

    Re: no title

    I found it.

    Dictionary Information: Definition Happily - Description Meaning Thesaurus

    I remember using that word once or twice...though you'd need to look through all my writings to find it...and I don't wanna look. Just click on "poetry corner" in my signature area
    Quote Originally Posted by Soldat of life View Post
    My favorite philosopher:
    Hassun

    Thanks to Xelhes for this amazing work of art ^.^
    Poetry Corner CLICK HERE IF YOU KNOW ME

  7. #7
    Lost In My Own World Fishing the Sea Champion, LastTank Standing Champion Ky-lyrra may be famous one day Ky-lyrra may be famous one day Ky-lyrra's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    Under The Sea, Florida
    Posts
    1,533
    Thanks
    4
    Thanked 4 Times in 4 Posts

    Re: no title

    I loved it but I would recommend not starting a sentence with "and" or "or". Then I would recommend you capitalizing your I's and putting commas and periods in your sentence. Othe then that your poem is great and I really like it.
    ™Mommy To Micah And Shawn!™


    Thanks For The Amazing Tag Pyro!

  8. #8
    You's Trollin Pro Leafblower Champion, Helicopter Champion ketaro is making a name for themselves ketaro is making a name for themselves ketaro's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Posts
    4,293
    Thanks
    30
    Thanked 38 Times in 36 Posts

    Re: no title

    It was a nice peom, but it needs capitalization and punctuation. Overall, it was a kool poem.

+ Reply to Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2 LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. no title
    By kira_17 in forum Poems
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: Jan 03, 2007, 11:50 AM
  2. no title
    By FLawEdmiNd in forum Poems
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: Nov 24, 2006, 07:12 AM
  3. no title
    By fayt lingod in forum Poems
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: Oct 22, 2006, 04:29 PM
  4. No Title
    By HieisLove in forum Library
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: Sep 20, 2006, 09:21 PM
  5. No title (sorry)
    By Blade X in forum Poems
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: Sep 20, 2006, 07:39 PM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts