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Oct 26, 2007, 11:23 PM
| #1 (permalink) |
  ~always by your side~  Join Date: May 2007 Location: small little hick town
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 Credits: 10,339 | Numbness Numbness sets firmly in Pain and confusion evaporate Loneliness and longing unwelcome Heartstrings pulled and destroyed Caused by one thought of you Heartbeats become distant Feelings wilt and become surreal Hope begins to fade Why did you abandon me Regret, dismay, devastation The flame flickers and goes out Coldness surrounds within and without
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Oct 27, 2007, 12:20 AM
| #2 (permalink) |
 1 )3^^( )N  Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Somewhere i would love to leave right now for somewhere better...
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Credits: 59,118 | Re: Numbness It may be short.. but it completely tell what you want to convey... which is what you felt... The words used here are nicely used..and they made a strong effect... a lingering effect in the minds of the readers... kudos to you ^^ nicely done... keep it up  |
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Oct 27, 2007, 11:54 AM
| #3 (permalink) |
| Chtonian Slayer  Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: you really do not want to know
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Credits: 31,396 | Re: Numbness I definitely agree with RayMe......this poem packs a punch!!!!!!!!!!!! Great job!!!!!!!!!!1
__________________  DO NOT MAKE ME UNLEASH MY INNER DEMON |
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Oct 27, 2007, 01:59 PM
| #4 (permalink) |
| Devoted Otaku  Join Date: May 2007 Location: Crystal Minnesota.
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Credits: 11,816 | Re: Numbness Beautifully written and extremely powerfully felt. I really identify with the sentiment of this poem and I want to see more from you
__________________ She's always trying not to cry. But I can see the demons in her eyes. She's always trying not to yell. But you see to her, she's trapped in hell. |
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Oct 27, 2007, 03:36 PM
| #6 (permalink) |
 Diamond in the Rough  Join Date: May 2007 Location: I'm lost
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Credits: 3,394 | Re: Numbness Well done Fire! Love how you play with the words. Keep up with the good work can't wait to read more from you. |
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Oct 27, 2007, 09:13 PM
| #7 (permalink) |
| Shining Star  Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Good question . . . where am I?
Posts: 1,271
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Credits: 59,274 | Re: Numbness Such a powerful poem. It makes my blood stand still . . . numb. Post more poems!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Oct 27, 2007, 09:17 PM
| #8 (permalink) |
| ~always by your side~ Join Date: May 2007 Location: small little hick town
Posts: 516
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Credits: 10,339 | Re: Numbness Thanks everyone for you comments. I wasn't going to post this poem but was convinced to do so by a couple of friends. Thanks for all your susport. But no body thinks that there is anything wrong with it?
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Oct 27, 2007, 09:21 PM
| #9 (permalink) |
| 1 )3^^( )N Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Somewhere i would love to leave right now for somewhere better...
Posts: 3,601
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Credits: 59,118 | Re: Numbness "Loneliness and longing unwelcome" hmm.. it's in past tense... therefore... "unwelcomed"... ^^ Hmm and this one.. "Regret, dismay, devastation" "Hope begins to fade Why did you abandon me Regret, dismay, devastation The flame flickers and goes out" I find those a bit hard to flow... but.. im not sure... tenchu san? any...reccomendation or... should i say...opinion?  |
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Oct 27, 2007, 09:46 PM
| #10 (permalink) | |
| Shining Star Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Good question . . . where am I?
Posts: 1,271
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Credits: 59,274 | Re: Numbness Quote:
Yes, try to keep the same verb tense throughout. Don't switch between present and past. Choose one and stick to it. Punctuation might clarify things further so that lines don't run together.
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