"Loneliness and longing unwelcome"
hmm.. it's in past tense... therefore... "unwelcomed"... ^^
Hmm and this one.. "Regret, dismay, devastation"
"Hope begins to fade
Why did you abandon me
Regret, dismay, devastation
The flame flickers and goes out"
I find those a bit hard to flow... but.. im not sure... tenchu san? any...reccomendation or... should i say...opinion?
Oct 27, 2007 09:46 PM #10
Originally Posted by RayMe
Yes, try to keep the same verb tense throughout. Don't switch between present and past. Choose one and stick to it.
Punctuation might clarify things further so that lines don't run together.