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Thread: One of life's trials

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    ~always by your side~ Radarix Champion, Virus 2 Champion, Virus 3 Champion fireandice is off to a good start fireandice's Avatar
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    One of life's trials

    I have two poems that are similar in nature, so I'm combinding them.

    Fight for life

    Fight or flight
    Predator or prey
    Fighting could cost you your life
    Surrender will cost your soul

    Unseen eyes ever watching
    Malicious intent unknown
    Plans of attack devised
    Victim randomly selected

    Cruel hands grab mercilessly
    Hair pulled, restraint applied
    Clothes torn, weight unmovable
    Bodies collide on frozen ground

    Fear takes hold, adrenalin kicks in
    Unleashed tears sting vengeful eyes
    Whispers of life with cooperation
    A split second freedom opportunity

    Do you take the risk……

    Fight or flight
    Predator or prey
    Fighting could cost you your life
    Surrender will cost you your soul

    ----------------------------------
    Survival

    Haunting melodies play
    Thoughts go blank
    Lights dance through unseeing eyes
    Strength leaves ones body

    Memories flash a return
    Numb feelings turn ice
    Fight or flight takes hold
    Stubbornness wins out

    Pain sparks fire
    Taste of blood brings fear
    Ones will almost broken
    Despair awaits a savior

    Reality destroys dreams
    Vicious attacks unwarranted
    Freedoms price risky
    Life still breaths hope….

  2. #2
    Otaku Caixa 2006 Champion Corvus may be famous one day Corvus may be famous one day Corvus's Avatar
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    Re: One of life's trials

    YAY! I love them (oops I'm not supposed to post with just that so now I have to think of some constructive criticism... this is going to be weak because they are already awesome) ahaha I got it...
    In particular I really liked the twin perspectives on the first one.. you could read it over and over again on different days at different times in your life and the meaning will never be the same...
    umm I think however that the second one could use just a little tweaking... I still really love it too though.
    "strength leaves one's body" the ones body part seems too detatched especially if you're trying to make a reader sympathise with it (like most emotional poetry usually does.) umm I'm not sure what to suggest... maybe "life to die (or Life to Death *personified* and creates a contrast although in this day and age I suppose that's far overused.) but that's just my suggedtion it's prolly really stupid.
    I also like the rhythm in this poem every phrase feels as though it should be a little longer but as a result instead you get short intense bursts just like what takes hold in real life threatening situations.

    ... and join my rebellion against time.

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    Otaku ryomakurosaki is off to a good start ryomakurosaki's Avatar
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    Re: One of life's trials

    Wow such emotions! I could imagine all the images in my mind! very nice job ^^
    Cruel hands grab mercilessly
    Hair pulled, restraint applied
    Clothes torn, weight unmovable
    Bodies collide on frozen ground

    those are my favorite lines in your poem! It has a great image in my mind. But in this poem you could be a bit more vivid. More flavor more depth. but other than that amazing. ^^

    Survival...It is well written but I wish you went a bit longer on it. gotten more depth. More detailed words. But good other wise ^^

    Great poems how to see more in the future
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    ~always by your side~ Radarix Champion, Virus 2 Champion, Virus 3 Champion fireandice is off to a good start fireandice's Avatar
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    Re: One of life's trials

    Thanks for the suggestions. The first poem is about an attack, so I'm not really sure how to make something so violent more vivid. I'm not really sure I would want to, most people don't like hearing details but something like that. As for the second, well I guess you could say it was a reflection of the aftermath of such an attack. Again I'm not sure if going into more detail about something like that is really a good idea, but I agree that the length could of been abit longer. Thank you both for the very good suggestions. I will keep them in mind the next time I write something.

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    Otaku ryomakurosaki is off to a good start ryomakurosaki's Avatar
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    Re: One of life's trials

    Quote Originally Posted by fireandice View Post
    Thanks for the suggestions. The first poem is about an attack, so I'm not really sure how to make something so violent more vivid. I'm not really sure I would want to, most people don't like hearing details but something like that. As for the second, well I guess you could say it was a reflection of the aftermath of such an attack. Again I'm not sure if going into more detail about something like that is really a good idea, but I agree that the length could of been abit longer. Thank you both for the very good suggestions. I will keep them in mind the next time I write something.
    well more vivid doesn't mean more disgusting ^^ like for example
    a cold blood river running down to the lake
    causing the depts of the lake to wake
    the beast within
    causing the pain to overflow
    curse the beast for the pain and hurt to erupt
    ^^ well not the best but I just taugh of it so some credit is due ^^
    (I might use that in my next poem...^^)
    anyways I did like the imagery but like i said some more details ^^
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