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Thread: Only Sixteen

  1. #1
    Mathematical!! Bugz Champion, Ant Bully Champion, Chainsaw the childern Champion, 3D Net Blazer Champion, Cricket Challenge Champion, Big Uglies Champion, Body Check Champion, Desktop Fishing Champion, All Star Skate Park Champion, Chuckie Egg Champion, Birdy Champion, Anthrax Jelly Champion, Air Typer Champion, Word Pads Champion, Crash Test Dummy Curling Champion, The Mini Jump Game Champion, Chairlift Challenge Champion, Astroboy vs One Bad Storm Champion, Fight Man Champion, Blot In Hell Champion, Beeku Adventure Champion, Connect2 Champion, Atomica Champion, Cannonball Follies 2 Champion, Bada Boing Champion, BeachDefence Champion, Alkie Kong 2 Champion atomik_sprout has become well known atomik_sprout has become well known atomik_sprout has become well known atomik_sprout's Avatar
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    Unhappy Only Sixteen

    Only sixteen and already he hates life.
    His own aunt said she'd stab him with a knife.

    Only sixteen and he already wants to die.
    His mother sent him out, he came to me and then he cried!

    Only sixteen and he's already giving up.
    Because he thinks there's nothing left for him,
    I think that f****** sucks!

    Only sixteen. He's my brother--like a son,
    because our daddy ain't shit; that mofo's on the run.

    Only sixteen... Man, I feel like S***!
    I can't stand to see my little bro go through what I did.

    Only sixteen and his depression's through the roof!
    His mother lets her siblings destroy my brother's youth!

    Only sixteen and he needs so much help.
    This can't possibly be good for his health!

    Only sixteen and already needs a break.
    How much drama can one kid really take?

    I mean, he's only sixteen!

    Only sixteen...


  2. #2
    Legendary Otaku divine_punishment may be famous one day divine_punishment may be famous one day divine_punishment's Avatar
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    Re: Only Sixteen

    My, how . . . tragic. No one should have to go through that at sixteen.

    I found the swearing unnecessary, but I can see why you included it. It changes the tone of the poem a bit, from "what a shame" to "HE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS!" Interesting. I want to see more work from you.

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    Re: Only Sixteen

    Quote Originally Posted by divine_punishment View Post
    My, how . . . tragic. No one should have to go through that at sixteen.

    I found the swearing unnecessary, but I can see why you included it. It changes the tone of the poem a bit, from "what a shame" to "HE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS!" Interesting. I want to see more work from you.
    Yeah, I usually try not to swear on the poems I post here (that's why I add asterisks--so I don't get warnings/infractions) unless I feel like I have to. Sometimes a good swear adds just the right amount of emotion to my work. Otherwise, my poems are cleaner than my big ol' potty mouth. LOL!

    Thanks for the comment, and I appreciate your input. I'm glad you liked it! ^_^


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    Devoted Otaku bratling may be famous one day bratling's Avatar
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    Re: Only Sixteen

    The whole thing makes me really sad. And the poem is really well written 'n conveys your point really well.

    You never really loved me/You never really cared/It was all just a game to boost your ego/Those feelings never really there/ I'm filing emotional bankruptcy/My heart can take no more debt/Theres no more "money" there to spend. === Besides tee hee SHE loves me!

  5. #5
    Mathematical!! Bugz Champion, Ant Bully Champion, Chainsaw the childern Champion, 3D Net Blazer Champion, Cricket Challenge Champion, Big Uglies Champion, Body Check Champion, Desktop Fishing Champion, All Star Skate Park Champion, Chuckie Egg Champion, Birdy Champion, Anthrax Jelly Champion, Air Typer Champion, Word Pads Champion, Crash Test Dummy Curling Champion, The Mini Jump Game Champion, Chairlift Challenge Champion, Astroboy vs One Bad Storm Champion, Fight Man Champion, Blot In Hell Champion, Beeku Adventure Champion, Connect2 Champion, Atomica Champion, Cannonball Follies 2 Champion, Bada Boing Champion, BeachDefence Champion, Alkie Kong 2 Champion atomik_sprout has become well known atomik_sprout has become well known atomik_sprout has become well known atomik_sprout's Avatar
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    Re: Only Sixteen

    Quote Originally Posted by bratling View Post
    The whole thing makes me really sad. And the poem is really well written 'n conveys your point really well.
    Sad? Naw... The whole thing pisses me off!

    I can't believe that Michael Jr.'s mom would do that and actually allow his aunt Tracy to say the things she said to him!! On top of that, none of our siblings intervened! Not even CHAUNCEY!!! And Chauncey's usually the one who does the right thing!! Urr... I hate my family sometimes...


  6. #6
    Commander Ham Chiefblackhammer is making a name for themselves Chiefblackhammer is making a name for themselves Chiefblackhammer is making a name for themselves Chiefblackhammer's Avatar
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    Re: Only Sixteen

    Had more of a "rap song" feel to it than that of a poem. Not bad but just stating how I took the flow.

    I don't much care for profanity in a poem or to be able to directly associate the meaning with that of the writer's life. But that is just my opinion.

    I realize that some poetry is written about your life and as a means to vent/heal. But I have said it before and will say it again, some poetry is meant to be shared with the world and some is meant to keep to yourself.

    To me your works that SHOULD be shared with all, shouldn't read like a journal or diary, they should allow the reader to apply the work to themselves and derive a meaning all their own without influence or guidance to a preconceived meaning. I couldn't do that with this poem, all I saw was a family issue.

    Now I am not harping on my ideas of how poetry should be and realize that you have friends that love this insight to your world. All I am say is this is all I see from you and as a poet, I would like to see you expand and write about things other than those personal to your life. This isn’t an attack but a challenge to grow and try new things

    As far as the content of this poem, all I can say is life is what you make it. With determination and some help of friends and family nothing is unachievable and hopefully he learns that now. While he has someone like you to care and look out for him.


  7. #7
    Mathematical!! Bugz Champion, Ant Bully Champion, Chainsaw the childern Champion, 3D Net Blazer Champion, Cricket Challenge Champion, Big Uglies Champion, Body Check Champion, Desktop Fishing Champion, All Star Skate Park Champion, Chuckie Egg Champion, Birdy Champion, Anthrax Jelly Champion, Air Typer Champion, Word Pads Champion, Crash Test Dummy Curling Champion, The Mini Jump Game Champion, Chairlift Challenge Champion, Astroboy vs One Bad Storm Champion, Fight Man Champion, Blot In Hell Champion, Beeku Adventure Champion, Connect2 Champion, Atomica Champion, Cannonball Follies 2 Champion, Bada Boing Champion, BeachDefence Champion, Alkie Kong 2 Champion atomik_sprout has become well known atomik_sprout has become well known atomik_sprout has become well known atomik_sprout's Avatar
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    Re: Only Sixteen

    Quote Originally Posted by chiefblackhammer View Post
    Now I am not harping on my ideas of how poetry should be and realize that you have friends that love this insight to your world. All I am say is this is all I see from you and as a poet, I would like to see you expand and write about things other than those personal to your life. This isn’t an attack but a challenge to grow and try new things

    As far as the content of this poem, all I can say is life is what you make it. With determination and some help of friends and family nothing is unachievable and hopefully he learns that now. While he has someone like you to care and look out for him.
    I accept your challenge! ^_^

    Thanks for the advice, I'll take it and put it to good use. I'm glad you took the time to read my work!


  8. #8
    Otaku BAUTIFULSOUL is off to a good start BAUTIFULSOUL's Avatar
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    Re: Only Sixteen

    this poem makes it seem like you were pissed off when you wrote this. plus to me its seems so sad that someone has to go through that. i can relate to the poem a LITTLE bit. But anyways good job. i love all your poems =)

    IF YOU LISTEN CLOSELY, YOU CAN HEAR MY HEART BEATING FOR YOU.
    THIS BEAUTIFUL SIG MADE BY LASURA=D


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