The other side of love....
the feeling of love are of a bliss
the make words come out so easily
makes hearts beat faster
makes two people become one
but does any one pay attention to the other side?
the pain
the hurt
the suffering
I never knew that side ever existed
I looked for the good in you
I loved you and you loved me
but now those feeling are gone
my piece of heaven now disappears underneath me
I fall through the sky
I reach for your hand
and you turn away...
I just tasted the other side of love...
the bitterness turn my blood cold
my senses of touch
disappear
my sense of smell
evaporate
my sense of sight
now leaves me blind
I want to be alone now
to feel this pain...with no one by my side
just to dissolve into the darkness.....
which was the place I called heaven...
Re: The other side of love....
Quote:
I just tasted the other side of love...
the bitterness turn my blood cold
my senses of touch
disappear
my sense of smell
evaporate
my sense of sight
now leaves me blind
The other side eh.. :p a nice way of saying it...
The poem overall .. is.. quite good.. it's nicely written and...the flow was very nice... i would say more use of powerful words would make this poem better and... hmm... methaphores are fun when you are writing a poem... try making some to make your poem better... :D:
and ps.. : hmm.. this poem was sad and depressing... :( sheesh it was nice cause the emotion flourish in it ^^ nicely done... i hate sad poems.. *yawns*
Re: The other side of love....
i feel the same, a stronger use of words and metaphores would do this poem wonders. other than that, the flow was ok, it could use some tweaking. very good job though, and i hope to see more^^
Re: The other side of love....
Quote:
Originally Posted by
RayMe 
The other side eh.. :p a nice way of saying it...
The poem overall .. is.. quite good.. it's nicely written and...the flow was very nice... i would say more use of powerful words would make this poem better and... hmm... methaphores are fun when you are writing a poem... try making some to make your poem better... :D:
and ps.. : hmm.. this poem was sad and depressing... :( sheesh it was nice cause the emotion flourish in it ^^ nicely done... i hate sad poems.. *yawns*
Quote:
Originally Posted by
shouichishindo i feel the same, a stronger use of words and metaphores would do this poem wonders. other than that, the flow was ok, it could use some tweaking. very good job though, and i hope to see more^^
alright for RayMe
lol sorry i was in a sad mood when i wrote it V-V but i am pretty much happy on the outcome for the poem. i will try to expand my vocab. to get better emotions and emphize the feelings which i am trying to show
but thanks for the comment ^^
shouichishindo:
same as what i wrote for RayMe. did i get my point across though? alright so i guess i need to work on my metaphores.
thank you too ^^
Re: The other side of love....
Quote:
Originally Posted by
ryomakurosaki
but now those feeling are gone
my piece of heaven now disappears underneath me
I fall through the sky
I reach for your hand
and you turn away...
TRUE words are written there :lurk:
Hmmm,
=/
I liked how it began, and I loved the middle ...But as it got at the end..it sort of became confusing and I couldn't follow [so i read it again] lol.
To tell you the truth it was sort of hard to follow when you dropped down the words.........^-^ But it was sad...made me wanna tear up......:(:
Re: The other side of love....
It's a good poem, no doubt about that and it made me think @.@ and i guess that's what poems are supposed to do. But otherwise i would agree with Ray about the words and stuff
Re: The other side of love....
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Alucard_ML It's a good poem, no doubt about that and it made me think @.@ and i guess that's what poems are supposed to do. But otherwise i would agree with Ray about the words and stuff
for Alucard_ML thanks for the comment^^ wow i really think i need more pratice also it has been a while since i have written anything.
again thank you^^
Quote:
Originally Posted by
ihauntforlust TRUE words are written there :lurk:
Hmmm,
=/
I liked how it began, and I loved the middle ...But as it got at the end..it sort of became confusing and I couldn't follow [so i read it again] lol.
To tell you the truth it was sort of hard to follow when you dropped down the words.........^-^ But it was sad...made me wanna tear up......:(:
lol thanks ihauntforlust
i am really glad you liked how it began and the middle. and for the end did it really make you confused? should the sentences be in a different order or something like that? or should the last part be erased and re-written? tell me so i change it on my other copy ^^
thanks again ^^
(p.s. thank you for all the wonderful comments!!)
Re: The other side of love....
Quote:
Originally Posted by RayMe
methaphores are fun when you are writing a poem... try making some to make your poem better...
I do agree that you could use a little more metaphores but for me mostly for like this stanza,
Quote:
Originally Posted by ryomakurosaki
my senses of touch
disappear
my sense of smell
evaporate
I had a tendency to put an 's' after 'disappear' and 'evaporate'
to me it made more sence I dont know if anyone else got that but I did.
But besides those little things the poem overall was great. The emotion was clear and I was able to follow it clearly.
Keep it up. Hope to see more.^_^
