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Thread: The other side of love....

  1. #1
    Otaku ryomakurosaki is off to a good start ryomakurosaki's Avatar
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    The other side of love....

    the feeling of love are of a bliss
    the make words come out so easily
    makes hearts beat faster
    makes two people become one

    but does any one pay attention to the other side?
    the pain
    the hurt
    the suffering
    I never knew that side ever existed
    I looked for the good in you
    I loved you and you loved me

    but now those feeling are gone
    my piece of heaven now disappears underneath me
    I fall through the sky
    I reach for your hand
    and you turn away...

    I just tasted the other side of love...
    the bitterness turn my blood cold
    my senses of touch
    disappear
    my sense of smell
    evaporate
    my sense of sight
    now leaves me blind

    I want to be alone now
    to feel this pain...with no one by my side
    just to dissolve into the darkness.....
    which was the place I called heaven...
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  2. #2
    Rawr~ :3 Boxteroid Champion, flyplane Champion, Home Run Champion, Bubbelfutsch Champion, Fire Fighter Champion, Brendans Soccer Champion, Movie Star Match-Up Champion, Total blackout Champion, Text Your Reflexes Champion, Scary movie Champion, Hulk Smash Up Champion, Star Wars Champion, Extreme Snowboarding Champion, Air Disc Champion, Action Fish Champion, A Game Of 3 Halves Champion, Battleball Champion, Hacky Sack Champion, FAD 2003 Champion, SQRL Golf Champion, Dr Yeckyl and Mr Ride Champion, Sky Glide Champion, Flyer Champion, Finnair Champion, Drachenjagd Champion, Canyon Glider Champion, City Surfing Champion, Action Driving Game Champion, Extreme Rowing Champion, Kardahdg Champion, Acceleracers Track Mod Champion, Final Test Champion, Du Wichtel Champion, Pedal Power Champion, Camera Killer 2 Champion, Bike Mania on ICE Champion, ATV Winter Challenge Champion, Caliber Dash Champion, Diesel and Death Champion, Snow Ride Champion, Camera Killer Champion, Pepsi Jet Ski Champion, Bumper Cars Championship Champion, Drifting Champion, Get A Grip Champion, Rooney on the Rampage Champion, Death To Ninja Champion, Kung Fu Hustle 2 Champion, Muay Thai Champion, Metal Arm FAWEGE Champion, Knife Champion, Classroom Fighter Champion, Nobuyuki Forces 3 Champion, Caddeva Champion, Sewer Dweller Champion, Angel Mart Champion, Snowy Champion, Bola Champion, Boiler Room Champion, Bobcat Champion, Amazon Quest Champion, Booty Champion, Five Errors Champion, Mind Your Marbles Champion, Angel Fruit Champion, Binggrae Champion, Candy Shoot Champion, Imperial tiles Champion, Himalayaya - Yeti Strikes Back Champion, Terrorist Attack Champion, Americas Army Champion, Special Operations Champion, Destroy the robots Champion, Cubicle Warfare Champion, Battle Field Champion, Weapons Dealer Champion, Army Copter Champion, Flat War Champion, Terrorist Alert Champion, Bully Basher Champion, Reaktor Champion, Bungee Rescue Champion, The Contraptor Champion, Boris Champion, Carling Cold Champion, Paddleball Champion RayMe is making a name for themselves RayMe is making a name for themselves RayMe's Avatar
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    Re: The other side of love....

    I just tasted the other side of love...
    the bitterness turn my blood cold
    my senses of touch
    disappear
    my sense of smell
    evaporate
    my sense of sight
    now leaves me blind
    The other side eh.. a nice way of saying it...

    The poem overall .. is.. quite good.. it's nicely written and...the flow was very nice... i would say more use of powerful words would make this poem better and... hmm... methaphores are fun when you are writing a poem... try making some to make your poem better...

    and ps.. : hmm.. this poem was sad and depressing... sheesh it was nice cause the emotion flourish in it ^^ nicely done... i hate sad poems.. *yawns*

    Legion Ketsueki Lives on~!!
    I'm BACK AO!
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    Newbie shouichishindo is off to a good start shouichishindo's Avatar
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    Re: The other side of love....

    i feel the same, a stronger use of words and metaphores would do this poem wonders. other than that, the flow was ok, it could use some tweaking. very good job though, and i hope to see more^^

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    Otaku ryomakurosaki is off to a good start ryomakurosaki's Avatar
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    Re: The other side of love....

    Quote Originally Posted by RayMe View Post


    The other side eh.. a nice way of saying it...

    The poem overall .. is.. quite good.. it's nicely written and...the flow was very nice... i would say more use of powerful words would make this poem better and... hmm... methaphores are fun when you are writing a poem... try making some to make your poem better...

    and ps.. : hmm.. this poem was sad and depressing... sheesh it was nice cause the emotion flourish in it ^^ nicely done... i hate sad poems.. *yawns*
    Quote Originally Posted by shouichishindo View Post
    i feel the same, a stronger use of words and metaphores would do this poem wonders. other than that, the flow was ok, it could use some tweaking. very good job though, and i hope to see more^^
    alright for RayMe
    lol sorry i was in a sad mood when i wrote it V-V but i am pretty much happy on the outcome for the poem. i will try to expand my vocab. to get better emotions and emphize the feelings which i am trying to show
    but thanks for the comment ^^

    shouichishindo:
    same as what i wrote for RayMe. did i get my point across though? alright so i guess i need to work on my metaphores.
    thank you too ^^
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  5. #5
    Otaku ING Cricket Champion, Chickenboy Chucky Champion, Dancer duck Champion, Jake,s Fire Power Champion, Bomber Bob Champion, Road Hogs Champion, Van Champion, Hacker Champion, Gorillaz Tiles Champion, Clicken Gold Champion, Galleon Champion, QBeez Champion ihauntforlust is off to a good start
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    Re: The other side of love....

    Quote Originally Posted by ryomakurosaki View Post

    but now those feeling are gone
    my piece of heaven now disappears underneath me
    I fall through the sky
    I reach for your hand
    and you turn away...
    TRUE words are written there
    Hmmm,

    =/

    I liked how it began, and I loved the middle ...But as it got at the end..it sort of became confusing and I couldn't follow [so i read it again] lol.

    To tell you the truth it was sort of hard to follow when you dropped down the words.........^-^ But it was sad...made me wanna tear up......

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    Devoted Otaku Alucard_ML may be famous one day Alucard_ML may be famous one day Alucard_ML's Avatar
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    Re: The other side of love....

    It's a good poem, no doubt about that and it made me think @.@ and i guess that's what poems are supposed to do. But otherwise i would agree with Ray about the words and stuff

  7. #7
    Otaku ryomakurosaki is off to a good start ryomakurosaki's Avatar
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    Re: The other side of love....

    Quote Originally Posted by Alucard_ML View Post
    It's a good poem, no doubt about that and it made me think @.@ and i guess that's what poems are supposed to do. But otherwise i would agree with Ray about the words and stuff
    for Alucard_ML thanks for the comment^^ wow i really think i need more pratice also it has been a while since i have written anything.
    again thank you^^

    Quote Originally Posted by ihauntforlust View Post
    TRUE words are written there
    Hmmm,

    =/

    I liked how it began, and I loved the middle ...But as it got at the end..it sort of became confusing and I couldn't follow [so i read it again] lol.

    To tell you the truth it was sort of hard to follow when you dropped down the words.........^-^ But it was sad...made me wanna tear up......
    lol thanks ihauntforlust
    i am really glad you liked how it began and the middle. and for the end did it really make you confused? should the sentences be in a different order or something like that? or should the last part be erased and re-written? tell me so i change it on my other copy ^^
    thanks again ^^

    (p.s. thank you for all the wonderful comments!!)
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    Re: The other side of love....

    Quote Originally Posted by RayMe
    methaphores are fun when you are writing a poem... try making some to make your poem better...
    I do agree that you could use a little more metaphores but for me mostly for like this stanza,
    Quote Originally Posted by ryomakurosaki
    my senses of touch
    disappear
    my sense of smell
    evaporate
    I had a tendency to put an 's' after 'disappear' and 'evaporate'
    to me it made more sence I dont know if anyone else got that but I did.

    But besides those little things the poem overall was great. The emotion was clear and I was able to follow it clearly.
    Keep it up. Hope to see more.^_^

    ~Falling in love one step at a time~
    ~ MYSPACE~AWESOME PLACE TO SAVE~

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