The other side of love....

ryomakurosaki · Nov 25, 2007, 09:45 AM

the feeling of love are of a bliss
the make words come out so easily
makes hearts beat faster
makes two people become one

but does any one pay attention to the other side?
the pain
the hurt
the suffering
I never knew that side ever existed
I looked for the good in you
I loved you and you loved me

but now those feeling are gone
my piece of heaven now disappears underneath me
I fall through the sky
I reach for your hand
and you turn away...

I just tasted the other side of love...
the bitterness turn my blood cold
my senses of touch
disappear
my sense of smell
evaporate
my sense of sight
now leaves me blind

I want to be alone now
to feel this pain...with no one by my side
just to dissolve into the darkness.....
which was the place I called heaven...

*RayMe* · Nov 25, 2007, 10:29 AM

Quote:

I just tasted the other side of love...
the bitterness turn my blood cold
my senses of touch
disappear
my sense of smell
evaporate
my sense of sight
now leaves me blind

The other side eh..

a nice way of saying it...

The poem overall .. is.. quite good.. it's nicely written and...the flow was very nice... i would say more use of powerful words would make this poem better and... hmm... methaphores are fun when you are writing a poem... try making some to make your poem better...

and ps.. : hmm.. this poem was sad and depressing...

sheesh it was nice cause the emotion flourish in it ^^ nicely done... i hate sad poems.. *yawns*

shouichishindo · Nov 25, 2007, 10:33 AM

i feel the same, a stronger use of words and metaphores would do this poem wonders. other than that, the flow was ok, it could use some tweaking. very good job though, and i hope to see more^^

ryomakurosaki · Nov 25, 2007, 10:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RayMe

The other side eh..

a nice way of saying it...

The poem overall .. is.. quite good.. it's nicely written and...the flow was very nice... i would say more use of powerful words would make this poem better and... hmm... methaphores are fun when you are writing a poem... try making some to make your poem better...

and ps.. : hmm.. this poem was sad and depressing...

sheesh it was nice cause the emotion flourish in it ^^ nicely done... i hate sad poems.. *yawns*

Quote:

Originally Posted by shouichishindo

i feel the same, a stronger use of words and metaphores would do this poem wonders. other than that, the flow was ok, it could use some tweaking. very good job though, and i hope to see more^^

alright for RayMe
lol sorry i was in a sad mood when i wrote it V-V but i am pretty much happy on the outcome for the poem. i will try to expand my vocab. to get better emotions and emphize the feelings which i am trying to show
but thanks for the comment ^^

shouichishindo:
same as what i wrote for RayMe. did i get my point across though? alright so i guess i need to work on my metaphores.
thank you too ^^

ihauntforlust · Nov 25, 2007, 10:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ryomakurosaki

but now those feeling are gone
my piece of heaven now disappears underneath me
I fall through the sky
I reach for your hand
and you turn away...

TRUE words are written there

Hmmm,

=/

I liked how it began, and I loved the middle ...But as it got at the end..it sort of became confusing and I couldn't follow [so i read it again] lol.

To tell you the truth it was sort of hard to follow when you dropped down the words.........^-^ But it was sad...made me wanna tear up......

Alucard_ML · Nov 25, 2007, 11:07 AM

It's a good poem, no doubt about that and it made me think @.@ and i guess that's what poems are supposed to do. But otherwise i would agree with Ray about the words and stuff

ryomakurosaki · Nov 25, 2007, 11:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alucard_ML

It's a good poem, no doubt about that and it made me think @.@ and i guess that's what poems are supposed to do. But otherwise i would agree with Ray about the words and stuff

for Alucard_ML thanks for the comment^^ wow i really think i need more pratice also it has been a while since i have written anything.
again thank you^^

Quote:

Originally Posted by ihauntforlust

TRUE words are written there

Hmmm,

=/

I liked how it began, and I loved the middle ...But as it got at the end..it sort of became confusing and I couldn't follow [so i read it again] lol.

To tell you the truth it was sort of hard to follow when you dropped down the words.........^-^ But it was sad...made me wanna tear up......

lol thanks ihauntforlust
i am really glad you liked how it began and the middle. and for the end did it really make you confused? should the sentences be in a different order or something like that? or should the last part be erased and re-written? tell me so i change it on my other copy ^^
thanks again ^^

(p.s. thank you for all the wonderful comments!!)

*P.R. Princess* · Nov 25, 2007, 11:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RayMe

methaphores are fun when you are writing a poem... try making some to make your poem better...

I do agree that you could use a little more metaphores but for me mostly for like this stanza,

Quote:

Originally Posted by ryomakurosaki

my senses of touch
disappear
my sense of smell
evaporate

I had a tendency to put an 's' after 'disappear' and 'evaporate'
to me it made more sence I dont know if anyone else got that but I did.

But besides those little things the poem overall was great. The emotion was clear and I was able to follow it clearly.
Keep it up. Hope to see more.^_^

aeonking · Nov 25, 2007, 12:00 PM

Another great poem by you.

This one is so moving it makes me think about love a bit more than just "love".

Your right about the other side of love as I have felt that side and its not the best side to be on, but such a superb poem.

*Lasura* · Nov 25, 2007, 03:42 PM

Ahhh... that was a nice poem. I don't think at all it was hard to understand, I really think it just made ihunt too emotional... poor Zainab @.@ *hugs Zainab*

I really liked it... it was nice to read. Didn't notice any big flaws... though it is quite simple and what Ray suggested might help with that, but those things are sadly things that come with time ^^

Hmm... oh I wanted to talk about the idea of the poem... it is very nice... and true... But there is also another "other side of love"- you don't have to part to feel it. When you are with someone- you get ups and downs all the time, tears and laughter... but it's just the other part of love and... well I enjoy it just as much as the good part...

Nice work Ryoma! ^^ I missed your writting and I hope to see more ^^

*LichGRIFFIN* · Nov 26, 2007, 05:07 AM

the poem is good overall .. normal start for a loving poem but it takes the best turning at the last part .. when this came ..

Quote:

Originally Posted by ryomakurosaki

I want to be alone now
to feel this pain...with no one by my side
just to dissolve into the darkness.....
which was the place I called heaven...

which is a very strong efficient way to express the "true sorrow" which replaced the "fake happiness" in the heart ... i real really liked it

...

Nov 25, 2007, 09:45 AM	#1 (permalink)
ryomakurosaki Otaku Join Date: May 2007 Location: Where the angels play Posts: 270 Thanks: 17 Thanked 28 Times in 24 Posts Credits: 10,702	The other side of love.... the feeling of love are of a bliss the make words come out so easily makes hearts beat faster makes two people become one but does any one pay attention to the other side? the pain the hurt the suffering I never knew that side ever existed I looked for the good in you I loved you and you loved me but now those feeling are gone my piece of heaven now disappears underneath me I fall through the sky I reach for your hand and you turn away... I just tasted the other side of love... the bitterness turn my blood cold my senses of touch disappear my sense of smell evaporate my sense of sight now leaves me blind I want to be alone now to feel this pain...with no one by my side just to dissolve into the darkness..... which was the place I called heaven... __________________ Can't believe I could think that he would just follow me everywhere I go I just wrestle with you in my dreams and wake up making love to my pillow Videos of the week(updated next on June 15):http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PjAsrwW9ptU
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Nov 25, 2007, 10:33 AM	#3 (permalink)
shouichishindo Newbie Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Michigan USA Posts: 58 Thanks: 1 Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts Credits: 1,265	Re: The other side of love.... i feel the same, a stronger use of words and metaphores would do this poem wonders. other than that, the flow was ok, it could use some tweaking. very good job though, and i hope to see more^^ __________________
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Nov 25, 2007, 11:07 AM	#6 (permalink)
Alucard_ML Otaku Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Denmark Posts: 328 Thanks: 0 Thanked 3 Times in 3 Posts Credits: 2,476	Re: The other side of love.... It's a good poem, no doubt about that and it made me think @.@ and i guess that's what poems are supposed to do. But otherwise i would agree with Ray about the words and stuff __________________ This awesome sig is made by Ryomakurosaki
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Nov 25, 2007, 12:00 PM	#9 (permalink)
aeonking Diamond in the Rough Join Date: May 2007 Location: In the shadows Posts: 231 Thanks: 3 Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post Credits: 2,711	Re: The other side of love.... Another great poem by you. This one is so moving it makes me think about love a bit more than just "love". Your right about the other side of love as I have felt that side and its not the best side to be on, but such a superb poem. __________________
Status: Offline

Nov 25, 2007, 03:42 PM	#10 (permalink)
Lasura Angelic Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: In a Demon's Arms Posts: 1,872 Thanks: 56 Thanked 34 Times in 31 Posts Credits: 49,619	Re: The other side of love.... Ahhh... that was a nice poem. I don't think at all it was hard to understand, I really think it just made ihunt too emotional... poor Zainab @.@ hugs Zainab I really liked it... it was nice to read. Didn't notice any big flaws... though it is quite simple and what Ray suggested might help with that, but those things are sadly things that come with time ^^ Hmm... oh I wanted to talk about the idea of the poem... it is very nice... and true... But there is also another "other side of love"- you don't have to part to feel it. When you are with someone- you get ups and downs all the time, tears and laughter... but it's just the other part of love and... well I enjoy it just as much as the good part... Nice work Ryoma! ^^ I missed your writting and I hope to see more ^^ __________________ My recommended fanfic: "Dreamer" by Scourge
Status: Offline

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