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Thread: Pain

  1. #1
    Otaku Taraqs is off to a good start
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    Pain

    Pain

    Why won't you leave me alone why can you not see what your doing to me.
    What do you want from me why can't you see that you are not apart of me anymore.
    What is it that you see in me when I forgot about you so long ago.
    The pain your causing me is immense so hard I tried to forget those memories.
    The pain that you left me is so immense I tried so hard I tried so hard to forget.
    Those memories which brought me Pain.


    Hope you enjoy and C&C if you would like.

  2. #2
    Otaku Adarrah may be famous one day Adarrah may be famous one day Adarrah's Avatar
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    Re: Pain

    *chuckles* I don't understand... But anyway, I'll figure it out- soon enough *nod* yeah...
    Carve an amble now,
    Saying that the day's still bright,
    And let's play with time.

  3. #3
    Otaku Taraqs is off to a good start
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    Re: Pain

    I'm sorry that you don't understand it the next poem I post I'll make it more clear. Hopefully you still enjoyed it to a certain extent.

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    Otaku Adarrah may be famous one day Adarrah may be famous one day Adarrah's Avatar
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    Re: Pain

    No, don't worry *smile*... I have someone who could answer my questions whenever it comes to understanding poems. Especially the nice and complicated ones... I do like to read/see other ppl's piece of arts... It's quite fun exploring AO whenever I have the time and find something that would make me want to know it better *smile* ....
    Carve an amble now,
    Saying that the day's still bright,
    And let's play with time.

  5. #5
    Devoted Otaku Alucard_ML may be famous one day Alucard_ML may be famous one day Alucard_ML's Avatar
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    Re: Pain

    It's actually quite good Taraqs, though poems is not my strong side, but it feels like it need some more "power"

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    Newbie kamikazekrn may be famous one day kamikazekrn may be famous one day kamikazekrn's Avatar
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    Re: Pain

    Hate being grammar nazi but someone has to do it when all you're communicating in is text.

    Why won't you leave me alone why [can't you] see what (you're) doing to me.
    What do you want from me why can't you see that you are not (a part) of me anymore.
    The pain (you're) causing me is immense...
    Those memories [that] brought me Pain.

    () mistakes, [] suggestions to help flow

    It's a decent poem, different because of the run-on sentences, which i personally dislike, but that may have been what you were going for. Got the point across, but the bad flow killed it for me, and it didn't really end well imo. You went from trying to get away from "you" then go to the memories, but that was really only half of the problem. "Just let me forget you" or something like that at the end?
    Maybe next time you can vaguely describe the memories and what was causing pain. "I will never forget the worst you did, that time at the beach" etc etc.

    In the end, its your poem and i can only suggest . Keep on writing
    "Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy,...it has no survival value, rather is one of those things that gives value to survival."
    C.S. Lewis

  7. #7
    Otaku Taraqs is off to a good start
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    Re: Pain

    Meh. I understand why write a poem if you cannot take the crtics opinion. I will take that into consideration and create a better one next time. Thank you all again.

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