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Dec 13, 2007, 01:01 PM
| #1 (permalink) |
 Newbie  Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 65
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 Credits: 99 |  Pain The pain is intolerable The pain is inevitable The pain is Incomparable This is a deep pain A pain no one wants to feel This is an Inescapable pain A pain of eternal value The pain has crossed the threshold The pain has caused much damage The pain defines me The pain is me This pain I talk about isn't physical nor emotional This pain is mental Why must I suffer Why must I see Why must I hear (sorry if crappy, I just need to relieve the pain somehow) |
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Dec 13, 2007, 01:12 PM
| #2 (permalink) |
  Verbal Vandal  Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 2,110
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Thanked 76 Times in 70 Posts
Credits: 125,184 | Re: Pain Wow! Very nicely done! If this is crappy, then I need to start eating my afro. LOL. Naw, seriously though I like it. You found different ways to describe your pain, while still putting the word 'pain' to use. It was a small bit repetitive, but still well written, none-the-less. Kudos, good job, mad props and all that jazz!  ~S |
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Dec 13, 2007, 04:19 PM
| #3 (permalink) |
| Sugar sweet poison  Join Date: May 2007 Location: Crystal Minnesota.
Posts: 516
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Thanked 23 Times in 22 Posts
Credits: 12,880 | Re: Pain I didn't think it was crappy either. I think it's very well written and it gets the way you feel out pretty clearly which aleways to me makes a good poem. It even flowed rhythmically. 
__________________ She's always trying not to cry. But I can see the demons in her eyes. She's always trying not to yell. But you see to her, she's trapped in hell. |
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Dec 15, 2007, 02:55 PM
| #5 (permalink) |
 Chtonian Slayer  Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: you really do not want to know
Posts: 562
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Thanked 47 Times in 45 Posts
Credits: 31,869 | Re: Pain The words are very grounded and have a strong effect to them.......and they go greatly with the title..... Nicely done!!!
__________________  DO NOT MAKE ME UNLEASH MY INNER DEMON |
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Dec 16, 2007, 07:07 AM
| #6 (permalink) | |
| Angelic  Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: In a Demon's Arms
Posts: 1,872
Thanks: 56
Thanked 34 Times in 31 Posts
Credits: 49,619 | Re: Pain *nods* good... very good!!! At first sight I though I won't enjoy it because there is too much repetition, but I was wrong, because the repetitions change in each stranza, so it's nice... And the pain that you describe... boy do I know that feeling. I especialy love the last lines: Quote:
A really nice work ^^ I hope to see more and I hope next time you have the wish to go deeper... | |
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