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Thread: pain

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    Otaku Dragons2801 is off to a good start Dragons2801's Avatar
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    pain

    Thou may look
    Thou may ponder
    What life gave, and what life took
    Thine thoughts now wander

    Thouist now wonder what thou see, what thou be
    Biest now a question arise, “Art thou truly free”
    Free from the chains that shackle thine in place
    In places that hinders thine thoughts

    Those that break free only ramble
    Ramble around aimlessly amongst the world
    The world crushes thou, shatering thine heart
    but yet a faint glimmer arises

    for within the darkend depths a fire burns
    one not of rage, but of love
    the pain that burns seases to hurt
    for the one thou now found, repared thine shattered heart

    within the darkened realm of the mind, is endless shadows, wrenching pain, warming love, and burning desires.

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    kingmustang (Apr 19, 2010)

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    Re: pain

    Very good! I usually have a hard time reading things with words like Thouist and thine, but this was very enjoyable to read
    Sword in hand, fire in heart, I walk towards my future just playing my part.
    The school of the undefeated East! The winds of the king! Zenshin! Keiretsu! Tempa! Kyoran! Look! The East is burning red!” (G Gundam)
    Ride Fast, Live Free & Stay strong.

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    Dragons2801 (Apr 19, 2010)

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    Otaku Dragons2801 is off to a good start Dragons2801's Avatar
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    Re: pain

    i would like to make it better its my first time writing like this so would like some chriticisem.

    within the darkened realm of the mind, is endless shadows, wrenching pain, warming love, and burning desires.

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    Newbie kingmustang is off to a good start kingmustang's Avatar
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    Re: pain

    Quote Originally Posted by Dragons2801 View Post
    i would like to make it better its my first time writing like this so would like some chriticisem.
    well if you want criticism I will go through it a few times and see what I can find lol
    Sword in hand, fire in heart, I walk towards my future just playing my part.
    The school of the undefeated East! The winds of the king! Zenshin! Keiretsu! Tempa! Kyoran! Look! The East is burning red!” (G Gundam)
    Ride Fast, Live Free & Stay strong.

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    Dragons2801 (Apr 19, 2010)

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    humaira is off to a good start
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    Re: pain

    I need a help about one sided love, can you help me how can we get love of our loveone?

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    Banned beast may be famous one day beast may be famous one day beast's Avatar
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    Re: pain

    It reminds me of a man who had pain and love tattooed on his shoulder. I asked him why and he said if you want to feel love expect pain. Without the oppression of the world you can't appreciate happiness.

    You used some intersting words such as "thouist" as the first word of the second stanza. Not sure what you meant, I am assuming it meant "Thou is." In the second line of the second stanza you use the word "biest." In that context it was difficult to get what you mean. The last line you used the phrase "repared thine." I think you were perhaps meaning repaired my." You really should perfect the ins and outs of regular language before you try that. Sadly I think the experiment in anachronistic language detracted from the poem.

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    Dragons2801 (Apr 20, 2010)

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    Newbie kingmustang is off to a good start kingmustang's Avatar
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    Re: pain

    See you should ask advice from Beast not me, lol he knows more about this than I do, I am still fairly new as to proper writing
    Sword in hand, fire in heart, I walk towards my future just playing my part.
    The school of the undefeated East! The winds of the king! Zenshin! Keiretsu! Tempa! Kyoran! Look! The East is burning red!” (G Gundam)
    Ride Fast, Live Free & Stay strong.

  12. #8
    Otaku Dragons2801 is off to a good start Dragons2801's Avatar
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    Re: pain

    Quote Originally Posted by beast View Post
    It reminds me of a man who had pain and love tattooed on his shoulder. I asked him why and he said if you want to feel love expect pain. Without the oppression of the world you can't appreciate happiness.

    You used some intersting words such as "thouist" as the first word of the second stanza. Not sure what you meant, I am assuming it meant "Thou is." In the second line of the second stanza you use the word "biest." In that context it was difficult to get what you mean. The last line you used the phrase "repared thine." I think you were perhaps meaning repaired my." You really should perfect the ins and outs of regular language before you try that. Sadly I think the experiment in anachronistic language detracted from the poem.
    This usage is from chaucer and later, shakespearian times. Poets also get some creative lisence in word usage. We would not have 3,000 words if not for Shakespeare creating them.

    within the darkened realm of the mind, is endless shadows, wrenching pain, warming love, and burning desires.

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