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Thread: Pale Sky

  1. #1
    I'm sleepy... Jukebox Hero Champion, Word Up Champion, Word Craze Champion gren may be famous one day gren may be famous one day gren's Avatar
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    Pale Sky

    Pale Sky

    Could you break from the angels' grasp,
    my pale sky,
    long enough to hold me close,
    to drop a million kisses
    atop a foolish girl's head?

    I'll wrap my imperfections
    in blankets of ice and fog
    hide my flaws behind the prettiest
    of pretty gray days
    sweep my fears under the strata
    and sleep in a cradle of rain
    if you let me run my fingers along
    a silken bit of a colorless moment.

    Would you take it all from me,
    my pale sky,
    everything that breaks this girl,
    paint it blank and force it
    to the far ends of your endless space?

    I'll give you my weakness
    of head and heart
    bare my fragility to the most
    severe of your elements
    hand my soul over to the clouds
    and live with the touch of your frost
    if it means you'll shield my bones
    from the crush of this heavy joy.

    Can you even hear this plea,
    my pale sky,
    the whispers drowned in wind,
    the cracking voice of a girl
    fallen to her knees below?

    I'll leave behind insincerity
    and show you every truth
    hum my confessions
    to indifferent molecules
    rest my head in the storm's green eye
    and sing softly with bells of thunder
    if you mask my ferocity
    and my intensity with empty air.

    My pale sky,
    take the color of my life
    and make it your own.


    ......................................

    I don't really care for the end (last stanza) of this one, but I can't think of anything else to make it sound complete. I've been back and forth on it altogether, I love the first two stanzas but the rest is so-so. Any suggestions on wording/structure/imagery that might improve this poem?
    sig by Pyro Psycho

  2. #2
    Femmebot Rehab Colt Crouse Champion, Bookworm Champion, Hangman Champion, Connect 2 Champion Peach_follows has become well known Peach_follows has become well known Peach_follows has become well known Peach_follows's Avatar
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    Re: Pale Sky

    Very interesting. At some points it felt as though you had personified some sort of surreal sky image. The words here, seemed like paint for the mind. I could see everything, and it moved, like a landscape with a soul.
    ... Not Ever Again...

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