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Thread: Pane

  1. #1
    Otaku MuMu Champion Shade/K' Heart may be famous one day Shade/K' Heart may be famous one day Shade/K' Heart's Avatar
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    Crashing through the broken glass...
    down to darkness............

    Shards filling his bare back...
    further down more....

    He watches the glass falling above...
    hurting intensely.....

    Pain corsing through his entire core....
    falling through....

    these emotions final take him....
    blackness' core.....

    The light is fading as he falls....

    he's lost them all for the last time....
    drifting more...

    a moment frozen in time....
    as he's frozen to the gravity streamline.
    the fate is sealed.
    as he's now a fatality fulfilled.

    tossed aside like yesterday's trash.
    as his broken bones and body bash,
    every single clear glass pane,
    stirring more internal hurt the same.

    sinking quickly,
    yet already dead.
    fate was not kind,
    as now the man's blood red.

    He'll keep crashing,
    until his fall is done...
    then the shards will also,
    make a pincushion of this one.

    tearing his face apart,
    and be now his blood filled eyes....
    gashing at his chest,
    as he bleedily lies....

    dead to all,
    in all nature of being.
    he's dead....
    be there any greater meaning?

    White Rose

    "Be mindful of all those you befriend."

    Far be it for me to be anything special, when the only special thing I desire with me, is the special person I share my gifts with.

  2. #2
    Mathematical!! Bugz Champion, Ant Bully Champion, Chainsaw the childern Champion, 3D Net Blazer Champion, Cricket Challenge Champion, Big Uglies Champion, Body Check Champion, Desktop Fishing Champion, All Star Skate Park Champion, Chuckie Egg Champion, Birdy Champion, Anthrax Jelly Champion, Air Typer Champion, Word Pads Champion, Crash Test Dummy Curling Champion, The Mini Jump Game Champion, Chairlift Challenge Champion, Astroboy vs One Bad Storm Champion, Fight Man Champion, Blot In Hell Champion, Beeku Adventure Champion, Connect2 Champion, Atomica Champion, Cannonball Follies 2 Champion, Bada Boing Champion, BeachDefence Champion, Alkie Kong 2 Champion atomik_sprout has become well known atomik_sprout has become well known atomik_sprout has become well known atomik_sprout's Avatar
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    Re: Pane

    This is a very interesting poem, especially the first half or so. It's very descriptive and well thought out. Funny thing: When I seen the title in the thread column, I thought someone mispelled "pain", LOL. Forget the fact that windows have panes.

    tearing his face apart,
    and be now his blood filled eyes....
    gashing at his chest,
    as he bleedily lies....
    That last line at the bottom is kinda iffy. I don't think bleedily is a word. I'd try something like:
    tearing his face apart,
    and now his blood filled eyes....
    gashing at his chest,
    as his bloody body lies....
    Just a suggestion. It's a grammar thing... ^_^ Either way, I like your work and I'm looking forward to reading more by you. Kudos!

  3. #3
    Legendary Otaku divine_punishment may be famous one day divine_punishment may be famous one day divine_punishment's Avatar
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    Re: Pane

    I like "pane" as in a sheet of glass as opposed to "pain." Very witty there.

    Mind your grammar. (Listen to Atomik's suggestion; he's right.) Don't forget to capitalize!!!

  4. #4
    Lost in confusion Tetrix 2 v2 Champion Sazzy is making a name for themselves Sazzy is making a name for themselves Sazzy's Avatar
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    Re: Pane

    It was a very descriptive poem by you Shade. I really you described the glass falling on the main character. It really did help create the atmosphere of being useless in a situation like that. Where you watch the world around you while your falling helplessly.

    Apart from others have previously said, I was able to fully read the poem without having to stop and re-read any part. It flowed really one from one line to the next. Especially at the start where you just used one word per line, it really did sum up the situation nicely.

    Another great piece from you Shade. I hope to read more from you soon.
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