Poem 4 of 7

EternalNaraku77 · Aug 16, 2006, 02:17 AM

The love once had, now disappeared
Left me scarred in heart and mind
I had to choose to go on or to dwell on love past
I decided to go on and try to forget

As hard as I try I can’t forget the pain she caused
Or the suffering she’s brought me
One way or another I will make her pay
And revenge will be the drop of wine on my tongue. O so sweet.

*Kasai* · Aug 16, 2006, 02:25 AM

I loved the first and second verse of the first stanza. In fact, after reading those two? I quickly lost interest. I think it's the way you conveyed revenge.. It left me hoping for a way that you go back on your find. And instead find forgiveness.

I'm not saying that I want you to chnage the emotion of the poem to fit my opinion. I'm not saying you should change it all. Well, I am a little bit. Lol. I'd suggest using those pretty words I speak of so fondly? Make me FEEL what the character is feeling. Words have power. And let me tell you, you have a way with your writing. You just have to make me FEEL the words. Not just read them and understand the meaning.

unknown&uncaredfor · Aug 16, 2006, 09:38 PM

i liked it but it was about me any way so i understand it better

Aug 16, 2006, 02:17 AM	#1 (permalink)
EternalNaraku77 Newbie Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Wichita, Kansas USA Posts: 12 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Credits: 110	Poem 4 of 7 The love once had, now disappeared Left me scarred in heart and mind I had to choose to go on or to dwell on love past I decided to go on and try to forget As hard as I try I can’t forget the pain she caused Or the suffering she’s brought me One way or another I will make her pay And revenge will be the drop of wine on my tongue. O so sweet.
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Aug 16, 2006, 02:25 AM	#2 (permalink)
Kasai Domme Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Florida Posts: 2,745 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Credits: 1,490	Re: Poem 4 of 7 I loved the first and second verse of the first stanza. In fact, after reading those two? I quickly lost interest. I think it's the way you conveyed revenge.. It left me hoping for a way that you go back on your find. And instead find forgiveness. I'm not saying that I want you to chnage the emotion of the poem to fit my opinion. I'm not saying you should change it all. Well, I am a little bit. Lol. I'd suggest using those pretty words I speak of so fondly? Make me FEEL what the character is feeling. Words have power. And let me tell you, you have a way with your writing. You just have to make me FEEL the words. Not just read them and understand the meaning. __________________ Seduced by Flesh
Status: Offline

Aug 16, 2006, 09:38 PM	#3 (permalink)
unknown&uncaredfor Newbie Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 4 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts Credits: 10	Re: Poem 4 of 7 i liked it but it was about me any way so i understand it better
Status: Offline

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