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Reply With QuoteI really like this. Except..the whole thing is one rediculous run on sentance. So break it up into sentances, and make it less of a paragraph. But other then the technical things it was a really felt piece of work. I liked it. A lot.
If i smile will you look at me?
If i smile will you not see the pain in my eyes?
The sadness that i keep in side but never speak.
She would always see through me but is no longer here with me.
All of the unspoken words i never found the time to say but i knew you needed to hear.
How much you really meant to me youll never know but ill always keep close to my heart all the memories we shared.
So suddenly taken away its like someone violently woke me from a dream i rub my eyes still blury, trying to see where iam then i realize my eyes arent blury from waking but from tears.
How many years has it been since i last cried i guess im really not dreaming.
I try to call but no one answers, so i run to your house but no ones home, so i look up at the sky and say good bye.
I think i cut it kind of short toward the end but what do you guys think? any advice?
Last edited by Shadowfantasy4; Aug 13, 2008 at 11:57 AM.
I really like this. Except..the whole thing is one rediculous run on sentance. So break it up into sentances, and make it less of a paragraph. But other then the technical things it was a really felt piece of work. I liked it. A lot.
You never really loved me/You never really cared/It was all just a game to boost your ego/Those feelings never really there/ I'm filing emotional bankruptcy/My heart can take no more debt/Theres no more "money" there to spend. === Besides tee hee SHE loves me!
It has punctuation lol i just left it in paragraph form now i spaced it out to make it a bit more clear. Thank you verymuch for the feed back
It makes it much easier to read when it's not appearing to be a run on sentance is all. I didn't notice punctuation before, but maybe that's because you don't capitalize. Either way with it in one big block it was rather hard to follow my spot in the post.
You never really loved me/You never really cared/It was all just a game to boost your ego/Those feelings never really there/ I'm filing emotional bankruptcy/My heart can take no more debt/Theres no more "money" there to spend. === Besides tee hee SHE loves me!
Yeah your right lol i spaced it out even more and capitalized ty for the feed back
Not a problem at all. Glad to help. I see some potential in your writing.
You never really loved me/You never really cared/It was all just a game to boost your ego/Those feelings never really there/ I'm filing emotional bankruptcy/My heart can take no more debt/Theres no more "money" there to spend. === Besides tee hee SHE loves me!
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