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Thread: poem untitled

  1. #1
    Fallen Angel PhoenixSara may be famous one day PhoenixSara's Avatar
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    Question Abandoned and Alone


    The darkest night calls and daunts
    his kiss i still feel and still haunts.
    The warm nights don't give comfort
    my heart now full of disdain
    As i try to find ways to alleviate my pain.

    The wind whispers :
    What a fool you have been,
    to ever trust and love again?
    Did you think someone will ever be true?
    i have no answer as i gaze down
    and ask myself :what else could i do?

    I slowly start to stare out into space,
    As tears slowly begin to roll down my face.
    Hurt by the betrayal of someone i trust
    Now i slowly realize that this can never last.

    What can she have that i lost?
    Now i feel i fell in love at my hearts cost.
    Will it always be like this to fall in love?
    Now i feel push has come to a shove.


    My heart is broken and i feel astray
    i don't think i can ever feel this way.
    the price is too high to pay,
    but as i look on and face the moon
    i know i fell in love too soon.


    **note pls comment on the poem lol i need feed back
    Last edited by PhoenixSara; May 01, 2008 at 02:53 PM. Reason: adding a title
    "In your arms is where i will be, I love you till my forever ends."
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  2. #2
    Otaku Caixa 2006 Champion Corvus may be famous one day Corvus may be famous one day Corvus's Avatar
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    Re: poem untitled

    seems like a friends past breakup mixed with one of your own... or just one of your own.
    -your meter in the second line is slightly interrupted intentional or not I don't know but it could
    be fixed with a simple 'it' in between the words "still haunts"
    -maybe try a period after comfort as this will be much more effective as a single phrase instead
    of being diluted with another thought.
    -[']What a fool you have been... the apostrophe is needed to add to the personification of the wind.
    -I love the repitiotion of slowly which adds to the feeling of a long drawn out and agonizing
    pain which lasts an eternity that only a broken heart can feel.
    -I also like the not rhyme of trust to last which just happens to imply lust.
    -'now I feel [as] push has come to shove'
    (I would revise this because the unintended but implied inuendo is contrary to your theme.) but
    if it's not possible above is my suggestion which might allow it to be excused.
    -Since the line after 'my heart is broken...' is seemingly unattatched from the body of thought
    which you meant can i suggest one last thing...

    My heart is broken and i feel astray
    i don't think i [should] ever feel this way.
    [for a] price too high to pay.
    [Now] as i look on and face the moon
    i know i fell in love too soon

    all of these are merely suggestions and slightly critical but I don't feel as if I would be doing you or your art justice to be mild with my suggestions so I'm giving it all I got. (which really isn't much)
    as stated theses are suggestions do with them what you will.

    I don't know if the lowercased i is intentional if it is that's great because I'm thinking it's representative of how small you are feeling (if not this is a possible twist) but if that's not what you're going for I would highly reccomend making the I capital so that it doesn't confuse readers.

    My score:
    8 (although it's the first time that I think that with a little more work it could easily be a nine or ten) {in perspective great poets (the so-called immortals) usu. get a nine or a ten}

    ... and join my rebellion against time.

  3. The Following User Says Thank You to Corvus For This Useful Post:

    PhoenixSara (May 01, 2008)

  4. #3
    Fallen Angel PhoenixSara may be famous one day PhoenixSara's Avatar
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    Re: Lost in his abysmal heart

    The darkest night calls and daunts
    his kiss i still feel it still haunts.
    The warm nights don't give comfort.
    My heart now full of disdain
    As i try to find ways to alleviate my pain.

    The wind whispers :
    "What a fool you have been,
    to ever trust and love again?"
    Did you think someone will ever be true?
    i have no answer as i gaze down
    and ask myself :what else could i do?

    I slowly start to stare out into space,
    As tears slowly begin to roll down my face.
    Hurt by the betrayal of someone i trust
    Now i slowly realize that this can never last.

    What can she have that i lost?
    Now i feel i fell in love at my hearts cost.
    Will it always be like this to fall in love?
    Now i feel as push has come to shove.


    My heart is broken and i feel astray
    i don't think i should ever feel this way.
    For a price is too high to pay.
    Now as i look on and face the moon
    i know i fell in love too soon.


    reposting with covus' suggestions. thank you very much
    Last edited by PhoenixSara; May 01, 2008 at 03:21 PM. Reason: adding the title suggested by Corvus
    "In your arms is where i will be, I love you till my forever ends."
    Clan Rainstorm 2nd Company, Kunoichi Leader
    PhoenixSara FB / Click Me IMVU/Atlantis RPG/Rules and FAQ/MY BLOG /

  5. #4
    Otaku Caixa 2006 Champion Corvus may be famous one day Corvus may be famous one day Corvus's Avatar
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    Re: poem untitled

    "Lost in his abysmal heart"
    title suggestion?
    ok so now I need to fill smace so that it's acceptable to post so please forgive this babble as the first bit is already a quality post and is only not long enough...

    ... and join my rebellion against time.

  6. The Following User Says Thank You to Corvus For This Useful Post:

    PhoenixSara (May 01, 2008)

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