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Thread: Poisonous insanity

  1. Apr 20, 2007 09:10 PM #1
    RayMe
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    Poisonous insanity

    my envy towards my friends...my anger towards my life...my sadness and my loneliness... they all went together in a big combo of poison...
    killing me slowly...it may taste like honey but sometimes bitter and spoiled...

    Coughs...blood..i am caughing out blood..alive red thick gooish blood...a second later it is no more in sight... laughs hysterically...holding my head...perssing it in...all this crazy thoughts...wanting to come...it hurts.. THE PAIN~!!! THE THROBBING PAIN~!!

    My eye sight...blurr...my thoughts...fading...my heart...thumping...faster and faster...hurts me at the same time... and then a long beat...it hurts...and gradually it slows down...to normal..slower...till it is no more...
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  2. Apr 20, 2007 11:34 PM #2
    Ky-lyrra
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    Re: Poisonous insanity

    This is nice Rayme though I would have loved to seen it written differently then it was and not so may periods. Also some of the words can be changed to something else like combo could be changed to batch or something like that. Experiment use a thesaurus. Be more creative, though your creativity is awesome good job and keep up the work.
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  3. Apr 20, 2007 11:59 PM #3
    !Rave_Grip
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    Re: Poisonous insanity

    Is it a poem? It sounds more like a mini fanfic Nonetheless I like the imagery used. Good job!
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  4. Apr 21, 2007 02:58 AM #4
    Lasura
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    Re: Poisonous insanity

    I like this really much too, very interesting... I adore the way you express these feelings... in few simple words... Nice work!!!!

    My recommended fanfic: "Dreamer" by Scourge
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  5. Apr 21, 2007 05:21 AM #5
    Chiefblackhammer
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    Re: Poisonous insanity

    Quote Originally Posted by Rave_Grip View Post
    Is it a poem? It sounds more like a mini fanfic Nonetheless I like the imagery used. Good job!
    It is called a lyrical poem, if a poem follows more of a story then an abstract concept then it is referred to as lyrical.

    I will say that you need to add more structure to this poem. The ellipses (...) are fine and you should use them as breaks for your lines IMO other then that it didn't speak to me that much...I will read it again later once I have woken up more.

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  6. Apr 21, 2007 06:11 AM #6
    RayMe
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    Re: Poisonous insanity

    whoa? lyrical poem... i never heard that b4.. i just let it all out last night in 1 big go @.@

    sheesh.. i really need to learn more about poems,... never made any poems like this..

    Thx guys
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