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Thread: Promise

  1. #1
    Otaku BrokenLover101 is off to a good start BrokenLover101's Avatar
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    Promise

    Promise

    Will you promise me
    That everything will be fine
    My life will change
    And you’ll always be mine

    Can you promise me
    That this life will finally be mine
    Where we can be happy
    Till the end of time

    Will you promise that
    You’ll always be there
    That my thoughts will change
    And my past will be gone

    Can you promise that
    You’ll love me
    As you say you do now
    And never cheat on me

    Will you promise to rescue me
    To take me away from here
    Teach me that it’s alright to love
    And how to make love

    Can you promise me just one more thing
    That you’ll give me a ring
    To put on my finger so that one day
    We can get married
    X.x.X The only thing I'll ever want... X.x.X

    X.x.X Is for you to love me the way I love you.. X.x.X

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    Otaku Bowling Champion Tifa Lockhart is off to a good start
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    Re: Promise

    Not a bad poem. One thing...try to add imagery to this poem. Overall, good job. Keep it up. ^^

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    Otaku BrokenLover101 is off to a good start BrokenLover101's Avatar
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    Re: Promise

    ... Imagery...... hmm.. alright.. well what if I like described a scene with the wording mixed in with it? Do you think that would better? Thank you for your help. ^-^ I'll try to put more Imagery in my next poem for you.
    X.x.X The only thing I'll ever want... X.x.X

    X.x.X Is for you to love me the way I love you.. X.x.X

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    Angelic Lasura may be famous one day Lasura's Avatar
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    Re: Promise

    Hmmm... This is nice ^^ I only wouldn't put the "that" in the 3rd and the 4th stranza and in the last sranza- I'd put "so that one day" in another line- I think with these changes the flow would be a bit better, it disturbed a bit the reading.

    But otherways- a nice work. I love the thought you've put in here- very nice and I can see myself asking those quesions (acutally I am almost everyday... only to myself too...)

    I also read the poem "Novemer 9th" by you, but since I have nothing much to say I'll comment here It's all nice and I like the flow and everything, but... I didn't like the suicidal part in it... a bit depressive... that flow asked for... a good enfing I hope you're alright

    I hope to see more from you!!! ^^ Cheers!

    My recommended fanfic: "Dreamer" by Scourge

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    Re: Promise

    Can you promise me just one more thing
    That you’ll give me a ring
    To put on my finger so that one day
    We can get married
    Yay~! yes go get married... then i'd have another wedding to crash at~!

    oops.. sorry.. :x ehehe ^^

    *clears throat* hmm... a well written poem.. but it's written with hope and yet it's so gloomy.. @.@ the colour effect even made it gloomier.. sheesh... it's as if... the promises you want the person to give... wont be fullfilled or something... sheesh.. @.@

    nicely done... good effect and use of words.. and yes.. imagery is needed ^^

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