Sometime's... Jumping the gun.... Isn't fun.
This was LONG. Very long. It seemed to lack structure. Also the was a point in the poem where you used the words (I want) over and over. Repeating things like that only works when you've incorporated it into the rythm of a poem. Like a phrase you repeat at the end of a break or something like that. But this had no rythm... so the repeating got to be a tad over the top.