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Thread: ''Reaching for the starts alone''

  1. #1
    S.E.L - sexy etna lover Baal may be famous one day Baal may be famous one day Baal's Avatar
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    ''Reaching for the starts alone''

    (Is like a kid learning life and getting out to the world)


    Im a lone sunflower
    on a lone high tower
    absorving all the light
    from the sun and all life

    learning from the shallow glow
    that appears when the sun fall's
    I've seen the shine
    that the far stars alight

    even if there so small
    they just give it all they got
    to make a bright night
    to the earth when the sun

    is out of sight
    maybe is time for me
    to get out of shelter
    and follow thee
    and the knowlege i had
    earned and seen.
    Last edited by Baal; Oct 19, 2006 at 06:42 PM.



    perdoname michelle!

  2. #2
    Otaku eleonne has disabled reputation eleonne's Avatar
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    Re: ''Reaching for the starts alone''

    Nice poem, with a rather attractive title, but I think the "starts" is meant to be "stars". I am not sure, but it seems to make more sense that way...? Also, there are some grammatical errors here and there. Perhaps if you spent more time fixing this poem up, it'll turn out even better. I see a lot of potential with this composition, because it has a very meaningful and moving message, with a captivating title that stayed true to the theme and completion of poem. I think this poem can still be improved. And you need not include that explanation within the parenthesis - let the poem speak for itself.

    Here are some of the gramatical errors I think you can change:
    absorving all the light
    absorving --> absorbing

    that appears when the sun fall's
    There is no need for the apostrophe.

    that the far starts alight
    Again, I think you mean here "stars" not "starts"

    even if there so small
    there --> they're

    they just give it all they got
    they --> they've

    maybe is time for me
    is --> it's

    Also, I think some of the lines can do with some more improvement to make it more understandable in its meaning with the reader, like say some rearrangement, or change of wordings, even, to feed it some depth. Anyways, all in all, it was a good poem that just needs some fixing. Best of luck, and keep practice by writing and reading more.

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    You's Trollin Pro Leafblower Champion, Helicopter Champion ketaro is making a name for themselves ketaro is making a name for themselves ketaro's Avatar
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    Re: ''Reaching for the starts alone''

    Nice poem Baal, i like the rhymes that you used in each stanza.

  4. #4
    Otaku For3v3r_Lost may be famous one day For3v3r_Lost may be famous one day For3v3r_Lost's Avatar
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    Re: ''Reaching for the starts alone''

    I like the poem! Though you do have some mistakes, I still do like it. ^_^
    "I love you with all my heart that I can't explain how much in words."

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    S.E.L - sexy etna lover Baal may be famous one day Baal may be famous one day Baal's Avatar
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    Re: ''Reaching for the starts alone''

    glad u like it even if i made a lot of mistakes.



    perdoname michelle!

  6. #6
    Devoted Otaku BlueFox1 may be famous one day BlueFox1 may be famous one day BlueFox1's Avatar
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    Re: ''Reaching for the starts alone''

    Other than a few grammatical mistake as said in other comments the poem was good, you broke away from the traditional end rhyme. Good job!

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