Rising of spirits of my eternity..........

I am the unforgiven angel of the light holding pieces of
broken anger never knowing when or why im going to die
it's just why I have to fight.............Nothing will ever hold me back
may it be mortal or immortal.............Here I go.
The dark in nothing the only truly scary thing is my destiny.
Fallen light endless night For the fight im immortial!
Soring past the dark and Never loosing hope this one thing ......
Just one thing........!!!
I am the loving demon of the dark holding pices of dying Ember
and now my wings have broken but Im no hurt or scared
this is somthing that was thought about for a while now I know
theres no turning back!!
Because I am the wind controling mortal in this fight the stars
and the light are ever growing!!!

Humph you couldnt beat me even if I wasnt immortal...


aright its been done now i left the un edited version too so tell me what u think of both of them ok? truth counts!!

Casual As Death friendly as fire
I am so nice I blast your desire.

I am the un forgiven angel
Of the light
Holding pieces of
broken anger.

Never knowing when or why
I’m going to die
it's just why I have to fight.

Nothing will ever hold me back!
may it be mortal or immortal!

The dark in nothing
The only scary thing is my destiny!
Fallen light endless night
for this fight I’m immortal!

Soaring past the dark
Never loosing hope this one thing
Just one thing........!!!

I am the loving demon of the dark
Holding pieces of dying Ember !

My wings have broken
But I’m not hurt or scared
now I know
there no turning back!!

I am the wind controlling mortal
in this fight the living past destiny
caring less for humanity!!

Humph you couldn’t beat me even if I wasn’t immortal


BTW when reading it think of Utada hikaru-kremlin dusk don't know why but that song kept going through my head the entire time :P

that was pretty dark man, nice job keep it up.

thanks i had it for a while now this is like the 3rd forum that i posted it on but it hasnt been that long since i had it

Overall, I like the poem that you have written, but it can use some improvement. Mainly, you should try to change the structure of the poem. In the way that you have typed, though it had a flow, the structure isn't of the poetic norm. Take off those "........" (dots), and try to fill in the gaps, and try to connect the poem in doing so. ^_^

But, it was a neat work. Keep it up, and please write more.

very savage but i give it a 6/10
a good effort an i think u conveyed ur feelings with this, its just doesn't have any flow too it. I mean u want something that wil make the reader feel a natural flow an continue reading it.

i know i know this is like the un edited version and the only time that i actually have time is on the weekends but it was fixed b4 then i lost that version and forgot what i did but i guess i can edit it and re submit it but thanks for you support XD


BTW this was my lighest poem i ever wrote so if this is savage i should probably keep the others to meself PM me to tell me other wise or forever hold your peace :P

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Sage_Se'von

BTW this was my lighest poem i ever wrote so if this is savage i should probably keep the others to meself PM me to tell me other wise or forever hold your peace :P

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Hey, hey, hey! Don't say that. No one can start off, from the get go, and be an awesome poet. It's a lot of work, buddy. Jade was just trying to be truthful, and to let you way to improve, that's all. ^^ Please don't refrain yourself from sharing the other poems of yours with all of us.

Please do share!!!

That was pretty impressive keep it up :D