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Thread: Saved...?

  1. #1
    Otaku moonlight_child may be famous one day moonlight_child may be famous one day moonlight_child's Avatar
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    Saved...?

    Message on the wall with thick red paint.
    Standing alone with music that's faint.
    My eyes are glue to where you picture use to be.
    Holes in the ceiling with roaches around me.
    The stench in the air makes my stomach turn,
    my eyes water and my nose starts to burn.
    Why would you choose this life if I may ask?
    Why go through life wearing a mask?
    We all have to work to get to the top.
    But we prove we can be who they say we were not.
    Why did you take the easy way out?
    This wasn't what you used to be about?
    The booze and the drugs will one day take hold
    of everything you thought you could control.
    I wish that my love will one day show.
    But to save you... I have to let you go.
    Love is like a gust of wind; it blows and then goes away...
    Without you, my soul goes out of control on the brink of danger...
    My world is already in a violent storm

  2. #2
    Otaku Tetsanosuke Kirikami is off to a good start Tetsanosuke Kirikami's Avatar
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    Re: Saved...?

    With the exception of a few spelling/grammar errors I found that you displayed your ideals quite well. The poem may have not stirred my soul, but it made sense and generally rhymed. But you could put it into separate stanzas. Maybe two or three depending. That might help with how it flows.I enjoyed it at the very least.


    "Walk in with Reason, and leave with Passion."

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