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Thread: Secret Love

  1. #1
    Lost In My Own World Fishing the Sea Champion, LastTank Standing Champion Ky-lyrra may be famous one day Ky-lyrra may be famous one day Ky-lyrra's Avatar
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    Secret Love

    A love kept hidden from you
    Keeping it locked deep inside
    Hoping one day to show you
    Confused out of my mind

    I love you yet your previous self
    Who has my heart though
    Maybe only time will tell
    Even though my love for you is stronger

    By then maybe our love will be so great
    Maybe I will be able to move on
    My love for you is strong now
    The only thing is they were here first

    I have to let them go for us to have a future
    So till this happens my love is locked away
    Building over more over time
    Till that day that I can move on
    ™Mommy To Micah And Shawn!™


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  2. #2
    M A S T E R Zui Quan may be famous one day Zui Quan may be famous one day Zui Quan's Avatar
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    Re: Secret Love

    The rhythm of the whole thing is choppy. You've got short parts and long parts with no discernable pattern between them. I suggest you read it out loud a couple of times You'll notice that there are problems with how the words flow. Instead of flowing like smooth pavement, this thing reads like driving over washboard gravel.
    Clan? What Clan?
    I'm the Master. I need no Clan.

  3. #3
    Lost In My Own World Fishing the Sea Champion, LastTank Standing Champion Ky-lyrra may be famous one day Ky-lyrra may be famous one day Ky-lyrra's Avatar
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    Re: Secret Love

    The reason for that is because it's supposed to make the person seem uncertained. It was planned out this way thanks for the tips though.
    ™Mommy To Micah And Shawn!™


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  4. #4
    Domme Kasai may be famous one day Kasai may be famous one day Kasai's Avatar
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    Re: Secret Love

    Well, the poem doesnt come off uncertain. In fact, there is no mood to the poem because of lack of flow. The choppy manner in which you feel is the flow? Well, it makes the poem sound stuck together like a puzzle. but the catch? You're using pieces from different puzzles to comeplete yours.
    Seduced by Flesh


  5. #5
    Devoted Otaku BlueFox1 may be famous one day BlueFox1 may be famous one day BlueFox1's Avatar
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    Re: Secret Love

    Ky-lyrra: If you wrote this poem to express how you feel, then just take the critiques with a grain of salt and remember it for the next poem you write. I honestly kind of see the choppyness, but then I kind of see you flow with this poem. I'm not trying to sound mean or be rude it's just how I view poems.

  6. #6
    Lost In My Own World Fishing the Sea Champion, LastTank Standing Champion Ky-lyrra may be famous one day Ky-lyrra may be famous one day Ky-lyrra's Avatar
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    Re: Secret Love

    It's ok I wrote this while watching a anime and it's about that anime really not me.
    ™Mommy To Micah And Shawn!™


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  7. #7
    Devoted Otaku BlueFox1 may be famous one day BlueFox1 may be famous one day BlueFox1's Avatar
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    Re: Secret Love

    Oh okay, well still you have great potential to become one of the greater writer on here! I joined the poem and fanfic clan to improve my writing skills. But as I've said before keep up the good work Ky-lyrra!

  8. #8
    Lost In My Own World Fishing the Sea Champion, LastTank Standing Champion Ky-lyrra may be famous one day Ky-lyrra may be famous one day Ky-lyrra's Avatar
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    Re: Secret Love

    Thank you Fox *huggles* This was for Inuyasha and Kagome really. You know how he's alway denying that he loves Kagome?
    ™Mommy To Micah And Shawn!™


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