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Thread: See I'm Not Perfect

  1. #1
    Otaku sasukesgirl is off to a good start
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    Post See I'm Not Perfect

    Look through the eyes
    And say
    “You got everything”
    But you can’t cause I don’t
    I’m not so perfect
    Things you never want
    You say your lifes bad
    But mine is worse
    But there are people out there worse then me
    Where there is no hope
    To break free
    From this emotional cage
    During this time
    The children suffer more then the adults

  2. #2
    Otaku Caixa 2006 Champion Corvus may be famous one day Corvus may be famous one day Corvus's Avatar
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    Re: See I'm Not Perfect

    Let me say that all criticism here is for your own personal growth and not because I feel like being a prick today... I'm not perfect myself in any way and this poem does have a fair amount of expression I'm just goig to help where I can ^_^ by making a few suggestions. It's totally your choice for what you do after that.

    Ok just a few gramatical things that my O.C.D. picked up on and wont let me keep quiet.
    "Divorces" " 'cause" or 'cuz "cause" is a word describing the inciting event of something. (or soemething like that I'm not a dictionary so don't hold it against me) lifes = life's (means life + is)

    Now for the finesse of poetic impact...
    A different title might be in order seeing as (no offense) but this doesn't really deal with any of your imperfections but things that make the world a harder place.
    A little work could be given to development of thoughts and the overall fluidity as well... it would definitely be excellent to see this touched up a little because it kind of has the element of 20th/21st century of teen angst wrapped within you just need to allow it to grow and use every technique you know to really bring it to life.

    Once again I'm sorry that I might seem to be a little cold hearted but in all honesty I didn't put in any stops because I thought that you would not only be capable of taking it without taking my head but that you would be able to grow through it and not have a breakdown...
    If the latter is the effect I have caused, then I sincerely apologize.

    ... and join my rebellion against time.

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