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Thread: Shining star...

  1. #9
    Otaku Caixa 2006 Champion Corvus may be famous one day Corvus may be famous one day Corvus's Avatar
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    Re: Shining star...

    nice eye divine I say it before but I honestly thought that she meant it with the other meaning in mind... oh well it's all good (ahaha oops didn't mean to use that word) don't you find that it could potentially work both ways though?
    Last edited by Corvus; Jan 16, 2008 at 06:24 PM. Reason: Laziness and typos

    ... and join my rebellion against time.

  2. #10
    Otaku Tetsanosuke Kirikami is off to a good start Tetsanosuke Kirikami's Avatar
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    Re: Shining star...

    Here comes that Poet Sword guy to do some hardcore critiquing. >.>;;

    Anyway, let's begin.

    It definitely wasn't a rhyming poem, and as such I found no rhythm, even no non rhyming rhythm.

    A lot of periods, where commas could have worked.

    But I understand how it's message means so much to you.

    And so, I say, "Eh, you have heart".


    "Walk in with Reason, and leave with Passion."

  3. #11
    Otaku ryomakurosaki is off to a good start ryomakurosaki's Avatar
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    Re: Shining star...

    Quote Originally Posted by Corvus View Post
    nice eye divine I say it before but I honestly thought that she meant it with the other meaning in mind... oh well it's all good (ahaha oops didn't mean to use that word) don't you find that it could potentially work both ways though?
    Lol thanks for sticking up for me ^^ but those mistake aren't supposed to be there. Thanks again for the nice comments ^^

    Quote Originally Posted by Tetsanosuke Kirikami View Post
    Here comes that Poet Sword guy to do some hardcore critiquing. >.>;;

    Anyway, let's begin.

    It definitely wasn't a rhyming poem, and as such I found no rhythm, even no non rhyming rhythm.

    A lot of periods, where commas could have worked.

    But I understand how it's message means so much to you.

    And so, I say, "Eh, you have heart".

    Well I was never a rhyming poet ^^ Not all poetry has to rhyme so I don't understand why people except everyone poems to rhyme ^^" anyways I will start to write poetry that ryhmes ^^
    Oh...I have to re-read my poem then, really can you point it out to me so I can see the mistakes. But I will re-read it to see some of the mistakes myself.
    And thank you for the last part ^^ I am glad I have a heart lol Lol thank you for the truthful comments ^^
    [/CENTER][/COLOR][/FONT]

  4. #12
    Otaku Tetsanosuke Kirikami is off to a good start Tetsanosuke Kirikami's Avatar
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    Re: Shining star...

    Quote Originally Posted by ryomakurosaki View Post


    Well I was never a rhyming poet ^^ Not all poetry has to rhyme so I don't understand why people except everyone poems to rhyme ^^" anyways I will start to write poetry that ryhmes ^^
    [B]Oh...I have to re-read my poem then, really can you point it out to me so I can see the mistakes. [/B]But I will re-read it to see some of the mistakes myself.
    And thank you for the last part ^^ I am glad I have a heart lol Lol thank you for the truthful comments ^^
    I never said it had to rhyme, I was merely stating that, even though it doesn't it still doesn't have rhythm.

    As for possible mistakes..

    Just period overuse.


    Shining star

    Looking out in the distance,
    I see a shining star
    Its beauty..
    shine..
    perfection caught me off...

    The night was black and that star was the only thing,
    that caught my eyes
    Shining star
    Just reminded me of you,
    Everything about you…

    The way it brightens the sky,
    You brighten my life
    The way it watched over me,
    Like you do, protecting me
    The perfect match for you
    Thank you my shining star
    I hope your brightness will
    Guide me to a better life…
    All the periods in bold and orange could have been commas, if you really wanted to pause for those times.

    o-O


    "Walk in with Reason, and leave with Passion."

  5. #13
    Otaku Caixa 2006 Champion Corvus may be famous one day Corvus may be famous one day Corvus's Avatar
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    Re: Shining star...

    Ok, all those periods (as you refer to it) is gramatically called elipsus it either refers to the gap between points of information signifying left out information or thought. In these areas she is signifying more then a mere pause... but a continuos flow of thought that either cannot be expressed or should not have to be expressed thoughts that the readers themselves shoud /could be able to picke up on. As far as sticking to a set pattern for rhythm it's not necessary neither is rhyming, people only use thes tactics to emphasise a far greater point.
    EX. the rhythm in Dulce Et Decorum Est is used as a tool to creat the sound of marching soldiers but it does change sparratically to sound like a heart beat and at one point even goes chaotic.
    So even though rhyme and rhythm are important and helpful they are not neccessary.

    ... and join my rebellion against time.

  6. #14
    Sorrow's Angel Shinigami's_Angel may be famous one day Shinigami's_Angel may be famous one day Shinigami's_Angel's Avatar
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    Re: Shining star...

    Oh ryomakurosaki I loved this one as well!!! I think you did a wonderful job on it!!! It was just soooo sweet!!! It painted such a loveing picture in my mind. I can't wait 2 see more from ya! ^___^
    Made by- Ryomakurosaki (Thank you sooooo much!!) ^__^

  7. #15
    Otaku Tetsanosuke Kirikami is off to a good start Tetsanosuke Kirikami's Avatar
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    Re: Shining star...

    Quote Originally Posted by Corvus View Post
    Ok, all those periods (as you refer to it) is gramatically called elipsus it either refers to the gap between points of information signifying left out information or thought. In these areas she is signifying more then a mere pause... but a continuos flow of thought that either cannot be expressed or should not have to be expressed thoughts that the readers themselves shoud /could be able to picke up on. As far as sticking to a set pattern for rhythm it's not necessary neither is rhyming, people only use thes tactics to emphasise a far greater point.
    EX. the rhythm in Dulce Et Decorum Est is used as a tool to creat the sound of marching soldiers but it does change sparratically to sound like a heart beat and at one point even goes chaotic.
    So even though rhyme and rhythm are important and helpful they are not neccessary.
    Red: Never said they were, but it's always something I enjoy. Which means when I don't find them they are something I suggest to give it more flavor.

    As for her dots, you have to admit that to have such an Ellipsis is a bit overdoing it. To me it seemed as though she were using them as mere pauses, nothing more and nothing less.

    "Walk in with Reason, and leave with Passion."

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