+ Reply to Thread
Page 3 of 3 FirstFirst 1 2 3
Results 17 to 20 of 20

Thread: short poem (sorry)

  1. #17
    Otaku The Fighter may be famous one day The Fighter may be famous one day The Fighter's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Streets of Compton,
    Posts
    270
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Re: short poem (sorry)

    Its pretty short RCP, But the message you are sending out
    is true. No body wants to hear those words. A suggestion to
    make your poem even better would be to add a bit more to it.
    Lengthen it out. Keep up your great work!!

  2. #18
    Otaku royal cutie pain may be famous one day royal cutie pain may be famous one day royal cutie pain's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Washington
    Posts
    231
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts

    Re: short poem (sorry)

    thanks, though i'm gonna write poems in the cyber lounge "diary enties" cause i likey writing short poems so yeah.


  3. #19
    Commander Ham Chiefblackhammer is making a name for themselves Chiefblackhammer is making a name for themselves Chiefblackhammer is making a name for themselves Chiefblackhammer's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    Winston Salem, NC
    Posts
    1,887
    Thanks
    4
    Thanked 84 Times in 68 Posts

    Re: short poem (sorry)

    Quote Originally Posted by Hitokiri Battousai
    ehmm lol, this should go in the Phrases section, there is none lol
    NO! It is just fine to post short poems here and they should go in the here in the poetry section. I have taken a college level poetry class and poems can have only one stanza and that can be as little as 2 lines with one word in them a piece...though I would suggest that it be longer than that.

    Now, about your work....It is too straight forward, has no title (title is very important) and lacks creativity...short poems are rather hard because you have to really put out how you feel and the message you are trying to relay.

    In general short poems should rhyme or use very strong words to achieve the desire results but they don't HAVE to do that. Personally, I would suggest taking this poem and changing the wording to make it send the same message but in a different way. Try using imagery...

    Your first two lines state how love makes you feel try to describe that feeling...do this but taking the word love and identify modifiers...love is _____ or love makes you feel like _____ this will have different response from different people...in the Greek language they have 7 different words for love all with different meanings.

    As an example love can make you feel like a bird soaring high in the sky think about the aspects of what is going on, there is the bird, air, openness, etc... all these things are easily used to describe the love you feel:


    Like a bird swoon by the winds
    With each thrusting gale my will it bends

    Defenseless to it's throe
    I sail towards the goal

    Ever driving my heart to its will
    For none other this way I feel

    Then to finish it off you need to think about what takes that all away. This can be a bird landing, the wind dying off, death, etc... Try to think of things that can describe these aspects BUT it needs to land deep and needs to be 1 to 2 stanzas at most.

    Hard towards you I travail
    But to no avail

    Resounded by your vales
    Your wind no longer fills my sails


    Now you can decide your on your Title either before hand and try to make the poem along that thought or afterwards. Either way it should communicate what the poem is about by itself.

    For this one you want to convey lose or leaving, love and the primary modifying theme in the poem was being blown about in the wind so maybe:

    Love’s Zephyr Vale

    Thus the finished work:

    Love’s Zephyr Vale

    Like a bird swoon by the winds
    With each thrusting gale my will it bends

    Defenseless to it's throe
    I sail towards the goal

    Ever driving my heart to its will
    For none other this way I feel

    Hard towards you I travail
    But to no avail

    Resounded by your vales
    Your wind no longer fills my sails

    This is just one approach and I used the idea that it may be a bad thing that the love is gone, you could restate and make it into a good thing...Anyway I hope that helps!?
    Last edited by Chiefblackhammer; Jun 19, 2006 at 03:31 PM.


  4. #20
    Otaku royal cutie pain may be famous one day royal cutie pain may be famous one day royal cutie pain's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Washington
    Posts
    231
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts

    Re: short poem (sorry)

    yes, it did. thanks a lot!


+ Reply to Thread
Page 3 of 3 FirstFirst 1 2 3

Similar Threads

  1. " Darkness " A Simple short poem :)
    By viper11025 in forum Poems
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: May 17, 2006, 01:39 PM
  2. A Poem is a Poem
    By Shade/K' Heart in forum Poems
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: May 02, 2006, 09:32 AM
  3. My Life As Poem
    By Shade/K' Heart in forum The Thread Vault
    Replies: 8
    Last Post: May 02, 2005, 12:14 AM
  4. A Poem About Writing a Poem
    By Shade/K' Heart in forum The Thread Vault
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: Apr 10, 2005, 10:44 AM
  5. Inspiration (A short poem by me???)
    By Shade/K' Heart in forum The Thread Vault
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: Mar 15, 2005, 05:42 PM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts