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Thread: Slowly...

  1. Apr 20, 2007 08:30 PM #1
    RayMe
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    Slowly...

    Dying

    my chest is feeling so heavy...i can't breath properly...i like a fish on the land...gasping..
    forcing air to come in...slowly..dying..

    Seeing things...heavy..too heavy...reaching hands up with all my brute strength i have...light..it's consuming..i can't see my hands anymore.. slowly..
    gradually.. darkness takes over...nothing can be seen no more...

    blind...darker than a cave can be..darker than anything...my heart beat..gets even slower...gasps..
    last breath...my hands...i can't feel them...last breath slowly slips out along with my soul...


    ~.~
    Last edited by RayMe; Apr 20, 2007 at 09:08 PM.
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  2. Apr 20, 2007 11:44 PM #2
    Ky-lyrra
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    Re: Slowly...

    Again Please work on the way that you write your poems. I am not saying anything bad like someone else would just giving kind suggestions. I would also think about the way you word them. I think that what you are trying to put into the poems is good but the feeling just isn't shown enough. Other then that awesome job.
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  3. Apr 21, 2007 12:05 AM #3
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    Re: Slowly...

    Not bad... and it will be better if you could paragraphs next time ^_^
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  4. Apr 21, 2007 01:09 AM #4
    Lasura
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    Re: Slowly...

    I liked this... poem... is it a poem? can't tell but I like everything about it, you showed death quite clearly and I liked the way you wrote it too... it's different... I think there's also enough emotions... what emotions can you have dying? Good job Ray!!!

    My recommended fanfic: "Dreamer" by Scourge
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  5. Apr 21, 2007 06:14 AM #5
    RayMe
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    Re: Slowly...

    yeah @.@ i thought of something like that too... im just trying this new way of expressing my feelings... @.@ i will do better next.. wait.. i just done another 1... i think it's way better

    thx guys ^^
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