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Thread: some of my work

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    Otaku Jewel of Atlantis Champion, Project 156 Champion, Suna Sudoku Champion, Virus 3 Hex Options Champion kaki tori kaizoku is off to a good start kaki tori kaizoku's Avatar
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    some of my work

    ok well i took writer's craft this sem. our first project was to write two poems, one on time, one on space. actually mine sounds more of a rap than a poem. lol.
    __________________________

    Time recycles by me lol.

    Climb to the top of the tower
    Only to have this Jenga go down
    A time bomb it ticking
    The world resets, it’s part of the cycle

    Building Castles on sand hills
    The grains are slowly running out
    Nothing handcraft is everlasting
    As an iceberg sinks the iron giant
    The world resets, it’s part of the cycle

    A global recession, recycling globally
    Using green as their life jacket
    Forgetting paper doesn’t float
    No wonder we’ve sunk to the bottom
    The world resets, it’s part of the cycle

    Never free from the dragging of time
    ___________________________________

    Boxed up by me

    Sublime mainstream forcible conformant
    Confidment till the death of me
    Put into a mould, no room to grow
    De world’s Great Press on me
    The pressure makes your backbone curl
    And makes you natural yet artificial life

    Plastic skin, plastic face
    Gift-wrapped and stored
    Millions labelled (un) original
    Placed on store shelf display

    Waiting to be purchased by fate
    With a little bit of change
    To escape the box into the real world
    Unaware of the world like box
    ____________________________

    ok tell me what yah think. maybe it would help if i told you what i had to include in each of the poem.

    - 1 personification
    - 1 simile
    - 1 methaphore
    - 3 imagery
    -1 allusion
    -1 aliteriation

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    Femmebot Rehab Colt Crouse Champion, Bookworm Champion, Hangman Champion, Connect 2 Champion Peach_follows has become well known Peach_follows has become well known Peach_follows has become well known Peach_follows's Avatar
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    Re: some of my work

    So, was this an assignment then? It worked out very well for you... there may have been some grammatical errors.. but they were overshadowed by the beauty of the language you chose. All in all I would have to say these pieces were jobs well done.
    ... Not Ever Again...

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    Devoted Otaku Quick Words Champion, Mah Jongg Solitaire Champion, Mah Jongg Garden Champion, Haunted House Champion Cheza may be famous one day Cheza may be famous one day Cheza's Avatar
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    Re: some of my work

    Wow... That was nice. That was well written! Good job!
    If they really had a desire to live, they would've been more aware of how easy it is to die.

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    Re: some of my work

    Good but there is little reason to tell us of the grading scale. You get no grade or points here, just feedback. I got the one on recycling and I assume the other one "in boxes" was the one about space. That one I didn't get. It was too abstract for me.

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    Re: some of my work

    Quote Originally Posted by beast View Post
    Good but there is little reason to tell us of the grading scale. You get no grade or points here, just feedback. I got the one on recycling and I assume the other one "in boxes" was the one about space. That one I didn't get. It was too abstract for me.
    ok. thanks for the feedback. yup the boxes was about space. ok, well i was saying we're like dolls, and society is moulding who we become. thats basically what the first stanza means. in our need to fit in we become fake or plastic, and unoriginal. we want to change, escape the box, be orginal but we can never escape the mould or stereotypes of the world. ok i hope that clear things up.

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    Re: some of my work

    Good but there is little reason to tell us of the grading scale. You get no grade or points here,
    I couldn't disagree with you more beast. It wasn't a "grading scale" it was showing us what criteria was expected to be met in the piece. Thus, in a way, it was telling as to what inspired the structure of the work. As members expressing ourselves here... we're allowed to give as much or as little information we want regarding our work!
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    Re: some of my work

    I was just implying it was a little childish Peaches. Besides didn't you yourself once criticise me for putting to much explanation in the message body? So you see to each their own.

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