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Old Nov 09, 2007, 01:06 PM   #1 (permalink)
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***** story

You, an average looking girl, many boundaries, slender looking, and lonely
She took you in
Treated you as an equal
As a friend
She trusted you more than anything
She told you all her secrets
Past experiences, new experiences, even her crush!
All she asked for was secrecy, and nothing else
That boy for whom she had so long been longing for waits.
For the two are not strangers, Best friends 10 years you see!
Him tall slender, straight A student, respectable
Her bulk, emotionless, C+ student, this could never be!
She told you that she was going to conjure up the courage to ask that boy,
“Shh… it’s a secret.” She said
You nod and hand her a box,
Carefully she opens it, and inside an amulet coin lye within its borders,
“For luck!” you say
She puts it on a chain, and wears it every day!
“I’ll just have to get the timing right!” she replies
The moment of truth arrives can this be?
Heart pounding, the smell of rejection in the air,
She turns the corner and what does she see?
You… talking with him… her feelings flair
And she blots behind a corner
Can’t make out the words, only movements fill her mind?
He bows and turns in her direction.
She ‘Bumps’ into him and asks, “What happened?”
“I wasn’t ready for a relationship with her.” He replies
Looked at her and walked away all tired eyed.
Anger, frustration comes over her body,
But most of all confusion, why?
Why had you betrayed her?
She walks down the hall past you as if nothing had just happened there.
She turns toward you gave you a small glare and keeping her distance keeps walking,
A week goes by; she goes to your house
Maybe to find an explanation to the situation that had aroused.
Maybe you did it to protect her, maybe not,
But the water your in is boiling HOT!
“Why?” She asks
With a dirty grin, you reply
“Because, you’re weak!” Her heart sank
“You’re too nice, and therefore, easy to manipulate,
You trust to easily, you shouldn’t trust any one but yourself!”
She raises her head and begins to laugh,
“Ha ha!” she goes, “you did this all to get to me,
But… but you’re the one that got ***** slapped in the end.
He rejected you, so basically it was all for nothing!”
You just stand there emotionless, as if you were holding something back
But it wasn’t shame or anger, and she continues,
“And I’m not scared… no, not in the least bit!”
Liar, she was, for she was scarred to death of it,
That you would tell her secrets, but wait,
You were too self absorbed to remember any of it!
“You know what?” she said to you with a straightened face,
“Go to a mirror and take a good long look,
Cuz now you’re a ***** in my book!”
She bows and walks away,
For now there was nothing more left to say.

Months go by and she still wears your necklace,
The days turn to normal, but not quite, because of you,
She is stronger, as she ponders her past, and how horrible it was before you,
She sits there worrying, but that’s…
That’s another story.





WOW this one was fun! Sorry for the lenght, i had trouble wondering if it should be a story or a poem, but i'll let you all decide!

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Old Nov 09, 2007, 01:18 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Re: ***** story

Very descriptive, well thought out and wonderfully written. This almost makes for a good short-story. Well done, highteck! I hope to read more from you! ^_^
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Old Nov 09, 2007, 01:22 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Re: ***** story

Wow, that was good but I don't think that it's a poem. It's more of a story. But it is well written and well thought out. You could have more details about the people that you are talking about, but other than that it was very good.
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Old Nov 09, 2007, 01:39 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Re: ***** story

Story poem. Either way it was really good. I really liked it and I think it flowed really well. Heck I even liked the length and I'm not fond of loong poetry.
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Old Nov 09, 2007, 02:16 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Re: ***** story

i think this should be called "stopoemry" but for the quality it is very good indeed well discribed situations and such ... great indeed ...
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Old Nov 09, 2007, 02:18 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Re: ***** story

I liked this.
It was real enough for a ***** like myself to comprehend it. Loving the flow.
Since i have to give elaborate detail i gwill say...
It was very fluently expressede in the most deepest of emotional ways.
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Old Nov 10, 2007, 01:05 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Re: ***** story

Thank you all for the wonderouse comments! Yeah it could have been better! And yeah i too think of it as a story, but because it some what rymed I decided to put it here!
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Old Nov 10, 2007, 07:43 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Re: ***** story

i love this poem. its awesome it doesnt matter about the length...nice story. keep it up! i would love to see more!!=)
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Old Nov 11, 2007, 05:31 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Re: ***** story

Gah~!!! a hanging ending.. Always leave me pondering for what'll happen next..
Nice effect there... ^^

Quote:
Carefully she opens it, and inside an amulet coin lye within its border
It's Lie? right? or Lay...

Hmm... The poem structure is nice descriptions are combined with dialogues...and the story runs through the dialogues while the descriptions states about the situation and how things are..and all so kinda make it poet-ish...

The flow was nice too...flowed well.. ^^ for such a long poem.. nicely done..

Suggestions..suggestions...suggestions... try putting metaphores... and... rhymes would be nice... hmm... ahh words of wisdom..idioms... .. and widen the use of words..
it would make the poem sound more..mature.. ^^
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Old Nov 11, 2007, 05:51 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Re: ***** story

Why thak you Rayme! Opps i myspeled it my bad! lol! well any way the making it more mature part was good advice i was looking for a word the other day and that would have been it, I liked the flow too, not so much though it was toi the point that it became a story, so i had to shorten it, and i did try to put in a little ryme, here and there, but I couldnt get it through out the poem with out changing the poems phrases its self, but hey a poem doesent always have to ryme! ^.^
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Old Nov 12, 2007, 08:55 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Re: ***** story

LOL I agree with everyone it is very good but watch out for grammer ans spelling, also as ray pointed out, the hanging ending is a good idea. Keep it up highteck I look farward to seeing more from you.
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