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![]() Where the journey begins! Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: The wonderfull world of Minnesota! And I mean that!
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![]() Credits: 154,817 | ***** story You, an average looking girl, many boundaries, slender looking, and lonely She took you in Treated you as an equal As a friend She trusted you more than anything She told you all her secrets Past experiences, new experiences, even her crush! All she asked for was secrecy, and nothing else That boy for whom she had so long been longing for waits. For the two are not strangers, Best friends 10 years you see! Him tall slender, straight A student, respectable Her bulk, emotionless, C+ student, this could never be! She told you that she was going to conjure up the courage to ask that boy, “Shh… it’s a secret.” She said You nod and hand her a box, Carefully she opens it, and inside an amulet coin lye within its borders, “For luck!” you say She puts it on a chain, and wears it every day! “I’ll just have to get the timing right!” she replies The moment of truth arrives can this be? Heart pounding, the smell of rejection in the air, She turns the corner and what does she see? You… talking with him… her feelings flair And she blots behind a corner Can’t make out the words, only movements fill her mind? He bows and turns in her direction. She ‘Bumps’ into him and asks, “What happened?” “I wasn’t ready for a relationship with her.” He replies Looked at her and walked away all tired eyed. Anger, frustration comes over her body, But most of all confusion, why? Why had you betrayed her? She walks down the hall past you as if nothing had just happened there. She turns toward you gave you a small glare and keeping her distance keeps walking, A week goes by; she goes to your house Maybe to find an explanation to the situation that had aroused. Maybe you did it to protect her, maybe not, But the water your in is boiling HOT! “Why?” She asks With a dirty grin, you reply “Because, you’re weak!” Her heart sank “You’re too nice, and therefore, easy to manipulate, You trust to easily, you shouldn’t trust any one but yourself!” She raises her head and begins to laugh, “Ha ha!” she goes, “you did this all to get to me, But… but you’re the one that got ***** slapped in the end. He rejected you, so basically it was all for nothing!” You just stand there emotionless, as if you were holding something back But it wasn’t shame or anger, and she continues, “And I’m not scared… no, not in the least bit!” Liar, she was, for she was scarred to death of it, That you would tell her secrets, but wait, You were too self absorbed to remember any of it! “You know what?” she said to you with a straightened face, “Go to a mirror and take a good long look, Cuz now you’re a ***** in my book!” She bows and walks away, For now there was nothing more left to say. Months go by and she still wears your necklace, The days turn to normal, but not quite, because of you, She is stronger, as she ponders her past, and how horrible it was before you, She sits there worrying, but that’s… That’s another story. WOW this one was fun! Sorry for the lenght, i had trouble wondering if it should be a story or a poem, but i'll let you all decide! Highteckdudu
__________________ Visit www.highteckdudu.webs.com! Last edited by aceman67; Nov 10, 2007 at 05:04 PM. |
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Ramen Addict Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Minneapolis, MN
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![]() ![]() Credits: 85,069 | Re: ***** story Very descriptive, well thought out and wonderfully written. This almost makes for a good short-story. Well done, highteck! I hope to read more from you! ^_^
__________________ Kickin' it like a soccer player! Last edited by aceman67; Nov 10, 2007 at 05:08 PM. |
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![]() ~always by your side~ Join Date: May 2007 Location: small little hick town
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![]() Credits: 10,279 | Re: ***** story Wow, that was good but I don't think that it's a poem. It's more of a story. But it is well written and well thought out. You could have more details about the people that you are talking about, but other than that it was very good.
__________________ Last edited by aceman67; Nov 10, 2007 at 05:08 PM. |
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Upcoming Legend Join Date: May 2007 Location: Crystal Minnesota.
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![]() Credits: 11,174 | Re: ***** story Story poem. Either way it was really good. I really liked it and I think it flowed really well. Heck I even liked the length and I'm not fond of loong poetry.
__________________ She's always trying not to cry. But I can see the demons in her eyes. She's always trying not to yell. But you see to her, she's trapped in hell. Last edited by aceman67; Nov 10, 2007 at 05:07 PM. |
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![]() Golden Crypt Lord Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Realm of Dark Illusions
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![]() Credits: 36,670 | Re: ***** story i think this should be called "stopoemry" but for the quality it is very good indeed well discribed situations and such ... great indeed ...
__________________ Bound forever to the legendary LEGION KETSUEKI CLAN ... forever and ever inside our hearts ... ![]() EVEN IF A RAINBOW IS BROKEN THERE'S STILL THE SKY Last edited by aceman67; Nov 10, 2007 at 05:07 PM. |
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He loves me not Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: in a castle up north
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![]() ![]() Credits: 5,354 | Re: ***** story I liked this. It was real enough for a ***** like myself to comprehend it. Loving the flow. Since i have to give elaborate detail i gwill say... It was very fluently expressede in the most deepest of emotional ways.
__________________ Last edited by aceman67; Nov 10, 2007 at 05:07 PM. |
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![]() Where the journey begins! Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: The wonderfull world of Minnesota! And I mean that!
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![]() Credits: 154,817 | Re: ***** story Thank you all for the wonderouse comments! Yeah it could have been better! And yeah i too think of it as a story, but because it some what rymed I decided to put it here!
__________________ Visit www.highteckdudu.webs.com! Last edited by aceman67; Nov 10, 2007 at 05:06 PM. |
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Diamond in the Rough Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: ontario, canada
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![]() Credits: 2,007 | Re: ***** story i love this poem. its awesome it doesnt matter about the length...nice story. keep it up! i would love to see more!!=)
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![]() 1 )3^^( )N Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Somewhere i would love to leave right now for somewhere better...
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![]() ![]() Credits: 58,536 | Re: ***** story Gah~!!! a hanging ending.. Always leave me pondering for what'll happen next..Nice effect there... ^^ Quote:
![]() Hmm... The poem structure is nice descriptions are combined with dialogues...and the story runs through the dialogues while the descriptions states about the situation and how things are..and all so kinda make it poet-ish... The flow was nice too...flowed well.. ^^ for such a long poem.. nicely done.. Suggestions..suggestions...suggestions... try putting metaphores... and... rhymes would be nice... hmm... ahh words of wisdom..idioms... .. and widen the use of words..it would make the poem sound more..mature.. ^^ | |
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![]() Where the journey begins! Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: The wonderfull world of Minnesota! And I mean that!
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![]() Credits: 154,817 | Re: ***** story Why thak you Rayme! Opps i myspeled it my bad! lol! well any way the making it more mature part was good advice i was looking for a word the other day and that would have been it, I liked the flow too, not so much though it was toi the point that it became a story, so i had to shorten it, and i did try to put in a little ryme, here and there, but I couldnt get it through out the poem with out changing the poems phrases its self, but hey a poem doesent always have to ryme! ^.^
__________________ Visit www.highteckdudu.webs.com! |
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Dragonrider Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: On the back of my dragon escaping everything and ignoring the pain.
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![]() Credits: 4,692 | Re: ***** story LOL I agree with everyone it is very good but watch out for grammer ans spelling, also as ray pointed out, the hanging ending is a good idea. Keep it up highteck I look farward to seeing more from you.
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