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Thread: ***** story

  1. #9
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    Re: ***** story

    Gah~!!! a hanging ending.. Always leave me pondering for what'll happen next..
    Nice effect there... ^^

    Carefully she opens it, and inside an amulet coin lye within its border
    It's Lie? right? or Lay...

    Hmm... The poem structure is nice descriptions are combined with dialogues...and the story runs through the dialogues while the descriptions states about the situation and how things are..and all so kinda make it poet-ish...

    The flow was nice too...flowed well.. ^^ for such a long poem.. nicely done..

    Suggestions..suggestions...suggestions... try putting metaphores... and... rhymes would be nice... hmm... ahh words of wisdom..idioms... .. and widen the use of words..
    it would make the poem sound more..mature.. ^^

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  2. #10
    Slippery When Wet~ Trampoline Tricks 2 Champion, Togy Ball Champion highteckdudu is off to a good start highteckdudu's Avatar
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    Re: ***** story

    Why thak you Rayme! Opps i myspeled it my bad! lol! well any way the making it more mature part was good advice i was looking for a word the other day and that would have been it, I liked the flow too, not so much though it was toi the point that it became a story, so i had to shorten it, and i did try to put in a little ryme, here and there, but I couldnt get it through out the poem with out changing the poems phrases its self, but hey a poem doesent always have to ryme! ^.^
    I tryed to see things from your point of view but i cant seem to get my head that far up my ass!
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  3. #11
    Dragonrider Ichigo_06 is off to a good start Ichigo_06's Avatar
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    Re: ***** story

    LOL I agree with everyone it is very good but watch out for grammer ans spelling, also as ray pointed out, the hanging ending is a good idea. Keep it up highteck I look farward to seeing more from you.
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  4. #12
    Slippery When Wet~ Trampoline Tricks 2 Champion, Togy Ball Champion highteckdudu is off to a good start highteckdudu's Avatar
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    Re: ***** story

    Yeah about the ending i'm not sure if i should put the second part up, its about her past and it kind of has more foul language in it! I know, why dont i edit the language out? Because then it would chage the whole part of the sotory as a whole, i already thought of that, but I think i will just leave people hanging on this one, i dont want to get in to trouble for it. if any of you have suggestions on what i should do about this, that would be help full! thank you all again!
    I tryed to see things from your point of view but i cant seem to get my head that far up my ass!
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