Sun Set

Tetsanosuke Kirikami · Nov 29, 2007, 03:35 PM

The setting sun..
Orange and red always to run
Across our ocean skies

Scattered and tattered
Seamless to matter
As the calling sings to our eyes

Drawn we are
To the blue skins scar
Where darkness comes to light

As beautiful a hue
Beautiful as could be inside you
Bathed in warmth until the night

*ketaro* · Nov 30, 2007, 07:15 AM

That was a very interesting short poem. It pretty much described the purpose of that yellow ball we se every day rising in the horizon. Keep it up man.

*Lasura* · Nov 30, 2007, 02:38 PM

Well this was nice and I must say the descriptions were good enough to make me imagine those things and the word use is very fine too. But... I didn't like the fact that I could feel that you have tried very hard to make it rhyme, it makes reading it... not so nice. Rhymes are not the most important thing, the feeling is more important. And the flow too... the stranzas are so short that I felt like jumping all the time and not lying, watching the sunset...

Well I hope to see more, k? ^^ Nice work nevertheless...

Nov 29, 2007, 03:35 PM	#1 (permalink)
Tetsanosuke Kirikami Diamond in the Rough Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Somewhere in ol'Michigan Posts: 117 Thanks: 15 Thanked 13 Times in 13 Posts Credits: 10,886	Sun Set The setting sun.. Orange and red always to run Across our ocean skies Scattered and tattered Seamless to matter As the calling sings to our eyes Drawn we are To the blue skins scar Where darkness comes to light As beautiful a hue Beautiful as could be inside you Bathed in warmth until the night __________________ "Walk in with Reason, and leave with Passion."
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Nov 30, 2007, 07:15 AM	#2 (permalink)
ketaro Its Over 9000! Join Date: Apr 2005 Posts: 4,226 Thanks: 27 Thanked 31 Times in 29 Posts Credits: 23,390	Re: Sun Set That was a very interesting short poem. It pretty much described the purpose of that yellow ball we se every day rising in the horizon. Keep it up man.
Status: Offline

Nov 30, 2007, 02:38 PM	#3 (permalink)
Lasura Angelic Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: In a Demon's Arms Posts: 1,869 Thanks: 56 Thanked 33 Times in 31 Posts Credits: 49,375	Re: Sun Set Well this was nice and I must say the descriptions were good enough to make me imagine those things and the word use is very fine too. But... I didn't like the fact that I could feel that you have tried very hard to make it rhyme, it makes reading it... not so nice. Rhymes are not the most important thing, the feeling is more important. And the flow too... the stranzas are so short that I felt like jumping all the time and not lying, watching the sunset... Well I hope to see more, k? ^^ Nice work nevertheless... __________________ My recommended fanfic: "Dreamer" by Scourge
Status: Offline

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