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Thread: They story of two

  1. #1
    Otaku moonlight_child may be famous one day moonlight_child may be famous one day moonlight_child's Avatar
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    They story of two

    He walked in with tears in his eyes.
    Asking himself how, when, and why.
    He couldn't breath and shook his head.
    He looked at her and wished her dead.
    She looked at him all sorry and bleak.
    She opened her mouth and started to speak.

    ''We were once the same, you and I.
    but pain has caused my heart to die.
    Together we were invincible, but no longer.
    What doesn't kill me will make me stronger.
    All I wanted was for you to care.
    But you were never really there.
    I ran into him and his warm smile.
    How was I to know his motives were vile?''



    ''How can I forgive you now?
    It's doesn't matter anyhow.
    You say I was never there.
    But it was you who didn't really care!
    You threw yourself away for someone else to take!
    You sold yourself out; loving you was a mistake!
    You're no longer inside my heart!
    You have tore my life apart!"

    She held her arms and looked away.
    There was more but she dare not say.
    She cried and sighed and let out a cough.
    She tried to lose herself in thoughts.
    He looked down at her and wanted her dead.
    He pointed his gun right at her head.

    "You of all people I trusted most!
    You were the only one to ever get close!
    How could you a thing like this to me?
    Shut up! Stop with the tears and the scream!
    Now is the time you beg for your life.
    Not that it counts if you're a used up wife!
    Nothing will ever be the same!
    I want to know the bastard's name!

    She couldn't bring herself to speak.
    It was a secret she wanted to keep.
    He looked down at her on the floor.
    Then there was a loud knock on the door.
    A man's voice could be heard in the hall.
    She covered her mouth and tears began to fall.

    ... to be continued...
    Love is like a gust of wind; it blows and then goes away...
    Without you, my soul goes out of control on the brink of danger...
    My world is already in a violent storm

  2. #2
    Femmebot Rehab Colt Crouse Champion, Bookworm Champion, Hangman Champion, Connect 2 Champion Peach_follows has become well known Peach_follows has become well known Peach_follows has become well known Peach_follows's Avatar
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    Re: They story of two

    Ooooooohhh... Please do continue. You've got me hooked, thats for sure. This was awesome. and with a little male\female role reversal.... I easily placed MYSELF in this story. Only Im the one with the gun.
    ... Not Ever Again...

  3. #3
    Angelic Lasura may be famous one day Lasura's Avatar
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    Re: They story of two

    I agree with Peach- you must continue!!! It was great. I loved it all... And I agree with Peach that the dialogues were great- really nice. And how you rhymed it all.. just great! And the flow is also nice...

    The best thing in this poem though is how intense it is... it's just great to read it

    A very nice work ^^ I hope to see more!!!!

    My recommended fanfic: "Dreamer" by Scourge

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    Mathematical!! Bugz Champion, Ant Bully Champion, Chainsaw the childern Champion, 3D Net Blazer Champion, Cricket Challenge Champion, Big Uglies Champion, Body Check Champion, Desktop Fishing Champion, All Star Skate Park Champion, Chuckie Egg Champion, Birdy Champion, Anthrax Jelly Champion, Air Typer Champion, Word Pads Champion, Crash Test Dummy Curling Champion, The Mini Jump Game Champion, Chairlift Challenge Champion, Astroboy vs One Bad Storm Champion, Fight Man Champion, Blot In Hell Champion, Beeku Adventure Champion, Connect2 Champion, Atomica Champion, Cannonball Follies 2 Champion, Bada Boing Champion, BeachDefence Champion, Alkie Kong 2 Champion atomik_sprout has become well known atomik_sprout has become well known atomik_sprout has become well known atomik_sprout's Avatar
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    Re: They story of two

    This poem gets a big fat, "Woot!" with a side of "Kudos!"

    This really rocked my socks right off my feet and sent them right out the fifteenth floor window! LOL. On a serious note, I am truly impressed with this piece of work here. I liked the structure and your overall rhyming capability. I also like how you used two perspectives, rather than just one.

    If I had to grade this, you'd get an A+++. LOL. Good work and I hope to read the continuation of your story/poem. ^_^
    Last edited by atomik_sprout; Jan 08, 2008 at 01:48 PM. Reason: Accidental submission of reply. (Yes, it happens. LOL) o.O


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