Thread of time

[creamsilver]

My hand held my wound
blood dripped down my cheeks
my mind was full of thoughts that only rang kill

I stood up slowly.
My legs shaking in the silence
my heart beating in the cold dead silence
as my breath froze in the crispy cold air.

The bloody mark of my sin showed visibly on my face
as the silver stream of moonlight shined at my face
My emotionless eyes and my thoughtless mind
everything was stopping as I saw the thread of time
torn away from my heart.

[Kasai]

Well, this poem is cute. It needs a bit of touching up on certain aspects. Here are a few things I would change:

Stanza one:

My hand held my wound
blood dripped down my cheeks
my mind was full of thoughts that only rang kill

Second verse:

"as blood trickled down my cheeks."

Third verse:

"My mind ablaze of thoughts that rared kill."

Second stanza:

I stood up slowly.
My legs shaking in the silence
my heart beating in the cold dead silence
as my breath froze in the crispy cold air.

Third Verse:

"My heart beating in the absence of life and sound,"

Fourth verse:

"my breath frozen in the crisp air."

Third stanza:

The bloody mark of my sin showed visibly on my face
as the silver stream of moonlight shined at my face
My emotionless eyes and my thoughtless mind
everything was stopping as I saw the thread of time
torn away from my heart.

Verse one & two:

"The ethreal light of the moon shone,
baring the bloody mark of my sin."

Verse 3, 4, 5 & 6:

Everything stilled,
as my eyes, endless pits of desperation,
watched the thread of time
torn away from my heart.

[creamsilver]

Well, this poem is cute. It needs a bit of touching up on certain aspects. Here are a few things I would change:

Stanza one:

My hand held my wound
blood dripped down my cheeks
my mind was full of thoughts that only rang kill

Second verse:

"as blood trickled down my cheeks."

Third verse:

"My mind ablaze of thoughts that rared kill."

Second stanza:

I stood up slowly.
My legs shaking in the silence
my heart beating in the cold dead silence
as my breath froze in the crispy cold air.

Third Verse:

"My heart beating in the absence of life and sound,"

Fourth verse:

"my breath frozen in the crisp air."

Third stanza:

The bloody mark of my sin showed visibly on my face
as the silver stream of moonlight shined at my face
My emotionless eyes and my thoughtless mind
everything was stopping as I saw the thread of time
torn away from my heart.

Verse one & two:

"The ethreal light of the moon shone,
baring the bloody mark of my sin."

Verse 3, 4, 5 & 6:

Everything stilled,
as my eyes, endless pits of desperation,
watched the thread of time
torn away from my heart.

Thx for the edit, its been a while i posted so i lost my touch lol