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Thread: Thread of time

  1. #1
    Newbie creamsilver may be famous one day creamsilver may be famous one day creamsilver's Avatar
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    Thread of time

    My hand held my wound
    blood dripped down my cheeks
    my mind was full of thoughts that only rang kill

    I stood up slowly.
    My legs shaking in the silence
    my heart beating in the cold dead silence
    as my breath froze in the crispy cold air.

    The bloody mark of my sin showed visibly on my face
    as the silver stream of moonlight shined at my face
    My emotionless eyes and my thoughtless mind
    everything was stopping as I saw the thread of time
    torn away from my heart.

    If you try and fly to your goal you will only fall from the starry sky

  2. #2
    Domme Kasai may be famous one day Kasai may be famous one day Kasai's Avatar
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    Re: Thread of time

    Well, this poem is cute. It needs a bit of touching up on certain aspects. Here are a few things I would change:

    Stanza one:

    My hand held my wound
    blood dripped down my cheeks
    my mind was full of thoughts that only rang kill


    Second verse:

    "as blood trickled down my cheeks."

    Third verse:

    "My mind ablaze of thoughts that rared kill."

    Second stanza:

    I stood up slowly.
    My legs shaking in the silence
    my heart beating in the cold dead silence
    as my breath froze in the crispy cold air.


    Third Verse:

    "My heart beating in the absence of life and sound,"

    Fourth verse:

    "my breath frozen in the crisp air."

    Third stanza:

    The bloody mark of my sin showed visibly on my face
    as the silver stream of moonlight shined at my face
    My emotionless eyes and my thoughtless mind
    everything was stopping as I saw the thread of time
    torn away from my heart.


    Verse one & two:

    "The ethreal light of the moon shone,
    baring the bloody mark of my sin."

    Verse 3, 4, 5 & 6:

    Everything stilled,
    as my eyes, endless pits of desperation,
    watched the thread of time
    torn away from my heart.
    Seduced by Flesh


  3. #3
    Newbie creamsilver may be famous one day creamsilver may be famous one day creamsilver's Avatar
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    Re: Thread of time

    Quote Originally Posted by Kasai View Post
    Well, this poem is cute. It needs a bit of touching up on certain aspects. Here are a few things I would change:

    Stanza one:

    My hand held my wound
    blood dripped down my cheeks
    my mind was full of thoughts that only rang kill


    Second verse:

    "as blood trickled down my cheeks."

    Third verse:

    "My mind ablaze of thoughts that rared kill."

    Second stanza:

    I stood up slowly.
    My legs shaking in the silence
    my heart beating in the cold dead silence
    as my breath froze in the crispy cold air.


    Third Verse:

    "My heart beating in the absence of life and sound,"

    Fourth verse:

    "my breath frozen in the crisp air."

    Third stanza:

    The bloody mark of my sin showed visibly on my face
    as the silver stream of moonlight shined at my face
    My emotionless eyes and my thoughtless mind
    everything was stopping as I saw the thread of time
    torn away from my heart.


    Verse one & two:

    "The ethreal light of the moon shone,
    baring the bloody mark of my sin."

    Verse 3, 4, 5 & 6:

    Everything stilled,
    as my eyes, endless pits of desperation,
    watched the thread of time
    torn away from my heart.
    Thx for the edit, its been a while i posted so i lost my touch lol

    If you try and fly to your goal you will only fall from the starry sky

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