Together Forever

Together our love will always be
Over the seas, through the mountains you'll always be with me
Gathering those kisses, your hugs and love in those beautiful days
Everytime were separated I'll always think of you as always
Time has past as you hold so tightly
Having you just makes me safe and shine so brightly
Earlier in those days we never thought about the future but our love
Real love or not you'll still be my belove

Forever now those three words will never bring back tears
Our hearts will always stay together through those years
Remembering the days, the promises
Everything just makes me glad receiving those kisses
Victourious is what our love says in yours and my heart
Everyday with you makes my heart just start
Remember that if we're together we'll never be apart

:D: Hope you like it! :D:

I like the sentiment behind it. But the wording was...rocky it didn't flow very well to me for soem reason which made it difficult for me to read. But it was a very sweetly felt poem. you make the subject or rather the voice behind it seem so sweet and innocent and even a little nieve.

hmmm.. yeah I have to agree
with bratling on the words were a bit rocky.
They didn't flow very well and
it was hard to focus on the meaning
of the poem.
But yeah the emotions going
into it were great.
Keep up the good work.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by bratling

I like the sentiment behind it. But the wording was...rocky it didn't flow very well to me for soem reason which made it difficult for me to read. But it was a very sweetly felt poem. you make the subject or rather the voice behind it seem so sweet and innocent and even a little nieve.

---

Ok then! And thank you! I really thank you!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by P.R. Princes

hmmm.. yeah I have to agree
with bratling on the words were a bit rocky.
They didn't flow very well and
it was hard to focus on the meaning
of the poem.
But yeah the emotions going
into it were great.
Keep up the good work.

---

Thank you as well! And I'll try better I mean I was writing this at 3:49 am and I was so tired so basically I don't even remember writing this at all! (Laughs) Oh well I thank you both so much!!! So THANK YOU!!!!!! :D:

pretty much felt the same as the other 2 people posting
You switch too much from past, present, and future tense so often its giving me headaches trying to read it(sometimes even mid sentence).
sometimes poems that get written quickly (like this one you said was made at 350am) are just better off without a rhyme scheme. trying to make this rhyme, kinda butchered the work

sorry if i seem a little harsh, this is supposed to be constructive criticism, i just dont know how to word it any other way

a few suggestions to help the flow and a few grammatical corrections

Together our love will always be
Over the seas, through the mountains you'll always be with me
Gathering (your kisses, hugs, and love in those beautiful days
Everytime (we're) separated (I) always think of you ()
Time (passes quickly) as you hold (me so tight)
Having you (makes me feel safe) and shine so brightly
Earlier (we only thought about) our love
Real love or not you'll (always) be my (beloved) *belove is actually a verb

Forever now those three words will never bring back tears
Our hearts will always stay together through (upcoming) years
Remembering the days, the promises *days and nights, something that goes together, days and promises...*
Everything just makes me glad receiving those kisses
(Victorious) is what our love says in yours and my heart
Everyday with you makes my heart just start
Remember that if we're together we'll never be apart
(last 3 lines dont make much sense)

There seems to be a patteren here.The wording could have been a little better.But there are strong emotions.Makes me wonder who your writing about:laugh:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by kamikazekrn

pretty much felt the same as the other 2 people posting
You switch too much from past, present, and future tense so often its giving me headaches trying to read it(sometimes even mid sentence).
sometimes poems that get written quickly (like this one you said was made at 350am) are just better off without a rhyme scheme. trying to make this rhyme, kinda butchered the work

sorry if i seem a little harsh, this is supposed to be constructive criticism, i just dont know how to word it any other way

a few suggestions to help the flow and a few grammatical corrections

Together our love will always be
Over the seas, through the mountains you'll always be with me
Gathering (your kisses, hugs, and love in those beautiful days
Everytime (we're) separated (I) always think of you ()
Time (passes quickly) as you hold (me so tight)
Having you (makes me feel safe) and shine so brightly
Earlier (we only thought about) our love
Real love or not you'll (always) be my (beloved) *belove is actually a verb

Forever now those three words will never bring back tears
Our hearts will always stay together through (upcoming) years
Remembering the days, the promises *days and nights, something that goes together, days and promises...*
Everything just makes me glad receiving those kisses
(Victorious) is what our love says in yours and my heart
Everyday with you makes my heart just start
Remember that if we're together we'll never be apart
(last 3 lines dont make much sense)

---

It's ok really!!! And I'll try better!!! I knew I need to fix but I just didn't really are but I thank you!!!!! So yah thank you for fixing!!!!!!!!!!! And thank you for your comment!!!! (Cheers)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Little negi sensei

There seems to be a patteren here.The wording could have been a little better.But there are strong emotions.Makes me wonder who your writing about:laugh:

---

(Points at you) You already know!!!! Oh and thank you!!!!!!!!! I thank you as well!!!! :D:

i loved it the mistakes let me no you didnt copy rhis poem from soneelse and the fact you were tired and still wrote something this good shows you really have talent great work kuwi