+ Reply to Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2 LastLast
Results 1 to 8 of 11

Thread: Together Forever

  1. #1
    「Someone」 Goo Slasher Champion, Fish Kill Champion, Rapid Motion Champion, Cell-Out Champion, Sober Santa 2 Champion, Flower Girl Champion KuwiRules145 is off to a good start KuwiRules145's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    Under your bed
    Posts
    960
    Thanks
    4
    Thanked 25 Times in 17 Posts

    Together Forever

    Together our love will always be
    Over the seas, through the mountains you'll always be with me
    Gathering those kisses, your hugs and love in those beautiful days
    Everytime were separated I'll always think of you as always
    Time has past as you hold so tightly
    Having you just makes me safe and shine so brightly
    Earlier in those days we never thought about the future but our love
    Real love or not you'll still be my belove

    Forever now those three words will never bring back tears
    Our hearts will always stay together through those years
    Remembering the days, the promises
    Everything just makes me glad receiving those kisses
    Victourious is what our love says in yours and my heart
    Everyday with you makes my heart just start
    Remember that if we're together we'll never be apart

    Hope you like it!
    「When I'm sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead」

  2. #2
    Devoted Otaku bratling may be famous one day bratling's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    Crystal Minnesota.
    Posts
    556
    Thanks
    11
    Thanked 44 Times in 42 Posts

    Re: Together Forever

    I like the sentiment behind it. But the wording was...rocky it didn't flow very well to me for soem reason which made it difficult for me to read. But it was a very sweetly felt poem. you make the subject or rather the voice behind it seem so sweet and innocent and even a little nieve.

  3. #3
    NalaMidnight Eggs Champion P.R. Princess may be famous one day P.R. Princess may be famous one day P.R. Princess's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    Virginia
    Posts
    929
    Thanks
    6
    Thanked 20 Times in 19 Posts

    Re: Together Forever

    hmmm.. yeah I have to agree
    with bratling on the words were a bit rocky.
    They didn't flow very well and
    it was hard to focus on the meaning
    of the poem.
    But yeah the emotions going
    into it were great.
    Keep up the good work.

    ~Falling in love one step at a time~
    ~ MYSPACE~AWESOME PLACE TO SAVE~

  4. #4
    「Someone」 Goo Slasher Champion, Fish Kill Champion, Rapid Motion Champion, Cell-Out Champion, Sober Santa 2 Champion, Flower Girl Champion KuwiRules145 is off to a good start KuwiRules145's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    Under your bed
    Posts
    960
    Thanks
    4
    Thanked 25 Times in 17 Posts

    Re: Together Forever

    Quote Originally Posted by bratling View Post
    I like the sentiment behind it. But the wording was...rocky it didn't flow very well to me for soem reason which made it difficult for me to read. But it was a very sweetly felt poem. you make the subject or rather the voice behind it seem so sweet and innocent and even a little nieve.
    Ok then! And thank you! I really thank you!

    Quote Originally Posted by P.R. Princes View Post
    hmmm.. yeah I have to agree
    with bratling on the words were a bit rocky.
    They didn't flow very well and
    it was hard to focus on the meaning
    of the poem.
    But yeah the emotions going
    into it were great.
    Keep up the good work.
    Thank you as well! And I'll try better I mean I was writing this at 3:49 am and I was so tired so basically I don't even remember writing this at all! (Laughs) Oh well I thank you both so much!!! So THANK YOU!!!!!!
    「When I'm sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead」

  5. #5
    Newbie kamikazekrn may be famous one day kamikazekrn may be famous one day kamikazekrn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    SoCali
    Posts
    46
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Re: Together Forever

    pretty much felt the same as the other 2 people posting
    You switch too much from past, present, and future tense so often its giving me headaches trying to read it(sometimes even mid sentence).
    sometimes poems that get written quickly (like this one you said was made at 350am) are just better off without a rhyme scheme. trying to make this rhyme, kinda butchered the work

    sorry if i seem a little harsh, this is supposed to be constructive criticism, i just dont know how to word it any other way

    a few suggestions to help the flow and a few grammatical corrections

    Together our love will always be
    Over the seas, through the mountains you'll always be with me
    Gathering (your kisses, hugs, and love in those beautiful days
    Everytime (we're) separated (I) always think of you ()
    Time (passes quickly) as you hold (me so tight)
    Having you (makes me feel safe) and shine so brightly
    Earlier (we only thought about) our love
    Real love or not you'll (always) be my (beloved) *belove is actually a verb

    Forever now those three words will never bring back tears
    Our hearts will always stay together through (upcoming) years
    Remembering the days, the promises *days and nights, something that goes together, days and promises...*
    Everything just makes me glad receiving those kisses
    (Victorious) is what our love says in yours and my heart
    Everyday with you makes my heart just start
    Remember that if we're together we'll never be apart
    (last 3 lines dont make much sense)

  6. #6
    Banned Pyramid Gold Champion, Triathlon Champion, Panik: Pogomania Champion Little negi sensei is off to a good start
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    Behind you when you are not looking.
    Posts
    383
    Thanks
    18
    Thanked 7 Times in 5 Posts

    Re: Together Forever

    There seems to be a patteren here.The wording could have been a little better.But there are strong emotions.Makes me wonder who your writing about

  7. #7
    「Someone」 Goo Slasher Champion, Fish Kill Champion, Rapid Motion Champion, Cell-Out Champion, Sober Santa 2 Champion, Flower Girl Champion KuwiRules145 is off to a good start KuwiRules145's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    Under your bed
    Posts
    960
    Thanks
    4
    Thanked 25 Times in 17 Posts

    Re: Together Forever

    Quote Originally Posted by kamikazekrn View Post
    pretty much felt the same as the other 2 people posting
    You switch too much from past, present, and future tense so often its giving me headaches trying to read it(sometimes even mid sentence).
    sometimes poems that get written quickly (like this one you said was made at 350am) are just better off without a rhyme scheme. trying to make this rhyme, kinda butchered the work

    sorry if i seem a little harsh, this is supposed to be constructive criticism, i just dont know how to word it any other way

    a few suggestions to help the flow and a few grammatical corrections

    Together our love will always be
    Over the seas, through the mountains you'll always be with me
    Gathering (your kisses, hugs, and love in those beautiful days
    Everytime (we're) separated (I) always think of you ()
    Time (passes quickly) as you hold (me so tight)
    Having you (makes me feel safe) and shine so brightly
    Earlier (we only thought about) our love
    Real love or not you'll (always) be my (beloved) *belove is actually a verb

    Forever now those three words will never bring back tears
    Our hearts will always stay together through (upcoming) years
    Remembering the days, the promises *days and nights, something that goes together, days and promises...*
    Everything just makes me glad receiving those kisses
    (Victorious) is what our love says in yours and my heart
    Everyday with you makes my heart just start
    Remember that if we're together we'll never be apart
    (last 3 lines dont make much sense)
    It's ok really!!! And I'll try better!!! I knew I need to fix but I just didn't really are but I thank you!!!!! So yah thank you for fixing!!!!!!!!!!! And thank you for your comment!!!! (Cheers)


    Quote Originally Posted by Little negi sensei View Post
    There seems to be a patteren here.The wording could have been a little better.But there are strong emotions.Makes me wonder who your writing about
    (Points at you) You already know!!!! Oh and thank you!!!!!!!!! I thank you as well!!!!
    「When I'm sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead」

  8. #8
    Otaku halo3master may be famous one day halo3master may be famous one day halo3master's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Location
    covenant homeplanet
    Posts
    333
    Thanks
    1
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Re: Together Forever

    i loved it the mistakes let me no you didnt copy rhis poem from soneelse and the fact you were tired and still wrote something this good shows you really have talent great work kuwi

+ Reply to Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2 LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. Forever Yours
    By Sinistra in forum Poems
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: Dec 26, 2006, 08:55 AM
  2. Forever....
    By Pride_Edward in forum Poems
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: Sep 12, 2006, 12:37 PM
  3. Together Forever.
    By -=Broken^Halo=- in forum Poems
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: Aug 20, 2006, 12:28 AM
  4. gone forever
    By Baal in forum Poems
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: Jul 31, 2006, 10:27 PM
  5. To be with you right now and forever
    By arador in forum Poems
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: May 24, 2006, 12:39 PM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts