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Thread: Trapped

  1. #1
    Lost in confusion Tetrix 2 v2 Champion Sazzy is making a name for themselves Sazzy is making a name for themselves Sazzy's Avatar
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    Trapped

    Ever since this morning
    I’ve had a funny feeling
    As if to say I have been left behind
    Behind in the back seat of a car

    No one even knows I’m here
    They don’t even hear my cries
    I feel so alone
    I feel so cold

    Ever since the feeling started
    No on hears me, no one sees me
    Can anyone see me sitting
    Sitting right in front of them

    Ever since the coldness started
    I’ve had no one to chat to
    Everyone just walks through
    Through my mind and takes no notice

    No one can see I’m here
    They can’t hear my or my cries
    I’m all alone in a broken world
    World where it’s cold out side

    I’m all alone
    No one can hear me
    Or see me
    I’m trapped in this broken world for all eternity

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    it was the first peom i wrote so please comment on it as much as you would like!
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  2. #2
    Banned Rave_Grip may be famous one day Rave_Grip may be famous one day Rave_Grip's Avatar
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    Re: Trapped

    Its nice. I like how you presented your feelings and how you used repetition to make the poem more full of meaning ^_^

  3. #3
    Elie Jelly elie26 may be famous one day elie26 may be famous one day elie26's Avatar
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    Re: Trapped

    i really get wat u mean in tis poem. the point ur tryin to impy. i would prefer it without too much repetitive but it's a great work.
    Last edited by elie26; May 01, 2006 at 02:58 AM.

  4. #4
    Newbie Shichiya may be famous one day Shichiya may be famous one day Shichiya's Avatar
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    Re: Trapped

    nice poem good work SAZ!!!!

  5. #5
    AO shady bystander Comboling Champion bassdudez may be famous one day bassdudez may be famous one day bassdudez's Avatar
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    Re: Trapped

    Wow, when I first started reading it, I was really amazed! The first paragraph is a nice opener...... I love the way you used the metaphor in it. It was one of the best openings I have ever seen.

    But then, going further down, I notice that most of the remaining paragraphs are not as convincing as the first one......... although the structure was still good.

    Hmm, Im not that good at poems, but I think the poem could improve much more. However, for a first poem, its really well made ^_^
    Kastelic's creation



  6. #6
    Lost in confusion Tetrix 2 v2 Champion Sazzy is making a name for themselves Sazzy is making a name for themselves Sazzy's Avatar
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    Re: Trapped

    thank you guys for your comments.

    Well at the time, i was getting a little fustrated with school and it was a task to do in Music tech which he never looked at. grr.

    Bass - what do you think the rest of the paragraphs need?? because i was kind of think that and I need to maintain a certain strenght through out.
    Last edited by Sazzy; May 01, 2006 at 03:06 AM.
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  7. #7
    You's Trollin Pro Leafblower Champion, Helicopter Champion ketaro is making a name for themselves ketaro is making a name for themselves ketaro's Avatar
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    Re: Trapped

    that was pretty kool, is this poem like a description of your daily life dancy?

  8. #8
    Lost in confusion Tetrix 2 v2 Champion Sazzy is making a name for themselves Sazzy is making a name for themselves Sazzy's Avatar
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    Re: Trapped

    Quote Originally Posted by ketaro
    that was pretty kool, is this poem like a description of your daily life dancy?

    Not a daily description, its what i feel like when i am down and i feel like no one is listening to me. Which seems to me often then what i don't want it to be.

    I do have a lot more poems to post but i think i might get a warning if i just keep posting them in one go.. hehe.
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