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Thread: Trapped

  1. #9
    AO shady bystander Comboling Champion bassdudez may be famous one day bassdudez may be famous one day bassdudez's Avatar
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    Re: Trapped

    Quote Originally Posted by dancy_SAZ
    thank you guys for your comments.

    Well at the time, i was getting a little fustrated with school and it was a task to do in Music tech which he never looked at. grr.

    Bass - what do you think the rest of the paragraphs need?? because i was kind of think that and I need to maintain a certain strenght through out.
    Hmm, to be perfectly honest, I am really bad at making poems......... so, improving it is quite hard for me...

    But if I was to change something about it, I would say to give the remaining paragraphs a little more depth. The first one was great, it sort of had implied deeper meaning to it. Then the succeeding ones were sort of just plain stating something....... kind of an anticlimax to the wonderful start, I think......

    Sorry, I cant phrase my thoughts on poems very well...... but I hope you found it useful for improvement ^_^ Good luck with your next one
    Kastelic's creation



  2. #10
    Lost in confusion Tetrix 2 v2 Champion Sazzy is making a name for themselves Sazzy is making a name for themselves Sazzy's Avatar
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    Re: Trapped

    Quote Originally Posted by bassdudez
    Hmm, to be perfectly honest, I am really bad at making poems......... so, improving it is quite hard for me...

    But if I was to change something about it, I would say to give the remaining paragraphs a little more depth. The first one was great, it sort of had implied deeper meaning to it. Then the succeeding ones were sort of just plain stating something....... kind of an anticlimax to the wonderful start, I think......

    Sorry, I cant phrase my thoughts on poems very well...... but I hope you found it useful for improvement ^_^ Good luck with your next one

    Thank you Bass, that does help. When i have more free time i will edit it a little and then post it
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  3. #11
    Otaku Reese may be famous one day Reese may be famous one day
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    Re: Trapped

    U potrayed the meaning of loneliness beautifully... uh beautifully? that doesn't sound right. lol. umm, well... I can relate to it so I definitely like it. Very detailed, very nice.

  4. #12
    Lost in confusion Tetrix 2 v2 Champion Sazzy is making a name for themselves Sazzy is making a name for themselves Sazzy's Avatar
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    Re: Trapped

    Well i have reworked it.. tell me what you think now!!

    Ever since this morning

    I’ve had a funny feeling

    I have been left behind

    In the back seat of a car



    No one even knows I’m here

    They don’t even hear my cries

    Muted for unheard ears

    Sat chained to this chair



    People are everywhere

    Walking through me

    Filled with a sinking feeling

    Falling and falling into emptiness



    These feelings won’t sift

    They are always there

    Covering my very soul

    As I realize I am nothing but a ghost
    FAVOURITE THREADS EXPLAIN why, or risk an infraction.
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