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Thread: Two poems I'd like to be critiqued on.

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    Newbie DarkRoseofHell is off to a good start
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    Two poems I'd like to be critiqued on.

    Unwary Eyes

    When you observe your world
    Everything always seems calm.
    With your eyes you see only what you can,
    Just living through the unchanged scenes.

    Everywhere you go, you aren’t alone.
    Even through the darkness, our gaze penetrates it.
    You may seem alone, but you’re not
    In reality, we’ve taken away your values.

    While you live through your life,
    Nothing has gone wrong.
    We’re just your masters, taking away everything.
    What you thought was true, were all lies.

    Just to think you really have these values,
    Don’t be naïve, we’ve only been toying with you.
    Don’t deny it, don’t bother, just go on.
    You won’t notice it, you’ll just be a bit more cautious.

    I just joined but also noticed you guys have a poem forum. XD
    I haven't have this undergo any critcism.
    If possible, if you can figure it out, post what you think this poem means.

    Fragmented Illusion

    As we live, we see the lies, the illusion.
    Now is the time to reveal the truth.

    We hear what we hear,
    But all we’ve been hearing is a fragment.
    Shall we be forced and locked away,
    Locked away from the truth.

    As all tell their tales and lies,
    We’ve been sitting in a fragment.
    Locked away and never seen.
    Some say revealing the truth is too dangerous,
    Others say we need to know.

    All we’re doing is walking around in circles.
    Asking, questioning, and dieing...
    We are only wasting time.

    Our lives, our worlds, all we’ve seen.
    All of it was and is an illusion.
    Till we’ve leave this fragment,
    We’ll all dissipate one by one.

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    Domme Kasai may be famous one day Kasai may be famous one day Kasai's Avatar
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    Re: Two poems I'd like to be critiqued on.

    I see no difference between the words of the poem. It seems as if they both mean the same thing. And nothing is very unique about them. I'd suggest rewording a few of the verses and trying a few techniques.
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    Newbie DarkRoseofHell is off to a good start
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    Re: Two poems I'd like to be critiqued on.

    Well, the meanings are actually considerably different if you must know.

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    Re: Two poems I'd like to be critiqued on.

    Quote Originally Posted by DarkRoseofHell View Post
    Well, the meanings are actually considerably different if you must know.
    Quote Originally Posted by Kasai View Post
    I see no difference between the words of the poem. It seems as if they both mean the same thing. And nothing is very unique about them. I'd suggest rewording a few of the verses and trying a few techniques.
    well i have to agree with dark. some of the meanings were the same to me. tehcnically with the rhyme scheme and the form, it was good. some of your ideas were new and kinda kool to think about, but maybe if you go back and edit it a little bit more, it would be better. but nice job on both.


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    Re: Two poems I'd like to be critiqued on.

    Quote Originally Posted by DarkRoseofHell View Post
    Unwary Eyes

    When you observe your world
    Everything always seems calm.
    With your eyes you see only what you can,
    Just living through the unchanged scenes.

    Everywhere you go, you aren’t alone.
    Even through the darkness, our gaze penetrates it.
    You may seem alone, but you’re not
    In reality, we’ve taken away your values.

    While you live through your life,
    Nothing has gone wrong.
    We’re just your masters, taking away everything.
    What you thought was true, were all lies.

    Just to think you really have these values,
    Don’t be naïve, we’ve only been toying with you.
    Don’t deny it, don’t bother, just go on.
    You won’t notice it, you’ll just be a bit more cautious.

    I just joined but also noticed you guys have a poem forum. XD
    I haven't have this undergo any critcism.
    If possible, if you can figure it out, post what you think this poem means.

    Fragmented Illusion

    As we live, we see the lies, the illusion.
    Now is the time to reveal the truth.

    We hear what we hear,
    But all we’ve been hearing is a fragment.
    Shall we be forced and locked away,
    Locked away from the truth.

    As all tell their tales and lies,
    We’ve been sitting in a fragment.
    Locked away and never seen.
    Some say revealing the truth is too dangerous,
    Others say we need to know.

    All we’re doing is walking around in circles.
    Asking, questioning, and dieing...
    We are only wasting time.

    Our lives, our worlds, all we’ve seen.
    All of it was and is an illusion.
    Till we’ve leave this fragment,
    We’ll all dissipate one by one.
    A few grammatical errors (then again, I am exceptionally picky. English major, you know.) Is "Fragmented Illusion" about the American government, by any chance? That seems to be the general consenus, so I've heard.

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    Newbie DarkRoseofHell is off to a good start
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    Re: Two poems I'd like to be critiqued on.

    Well, actually about the American Government would be the other one.

    1st one (unwary eyes) pretty much the meaning is, you live through your life like a normal person would, but behind the scenes others are controlling a lot of the aspects of your life. Stuff such as taxes, and even to some point your freedom.

    I'm not in college yet and I'm also not planning on majoring in english, so grammar will always be a problem XD.

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