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Thread: Valentines.

  1. #1
    Otaku -=Broken^Halo=- may be famous one day -=Broken^Halo=- may be famous one day -=Broken^Halo=-'s Avatar
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    Valentines.

    Some of you might not want to read this >.>

    Valentines.

    Hearts and flowers,
    love and passion.
    His heart would ache,
    when heartbreaks shook.

    He came to her,
    an admirer from afar.
    A card in hand,
    love in his heart.

    He poured out feelings,
    onto that little paper.
    "His lonliness would'nt be",
    so said his thoughts.

    The pen scratched and jumped,
    painting emotion quickly.
    Poetry of true love it seemed,
    to be recited to his admired.

    Day's end came,
    and work was no more.
    In the parking lot he stood,
    to share his new sentiment.

    Patiently he waited,
    paper gripped in hand.
    His heart pounded,
    and hands shook.

    Foot steps beat upon concrete,
    for she approached him then.
    His voice shook and quivered,
    but the words came to be.

    "Dear love, a poem I shall read,
    and in this poem my heart will bleed,
    ink of passion spilled across pages,
    please be mine till the end of ages."

    He stood waiting,
    not ready to hear what came.
    "Get away you creepy bastard,
    before I call security"

    His heart sank as she drew near,
    his back was to her car.
    An anxiety boiled over him then,
    and in that moment he snapped.

    His short stout hands clasped,
    and wrapped around her throat.
    He threw her to the ground,
    knocking her out.

    She lay there lifeless,
    But he knew she was alive.
    So in his arms he took her,
    and to his car he walked.

    A pop of the trunk then,
    to lay his love to rest.
    He'd take her by force,
    if that was the only way...

    Later on the news would read,
    of a woman murdered that day.
    Her body found with no heart,
    lifeless and alone on this day.
    Fr3aK~0f~N@Tu|23

  2. #2
    Heavy Metal Goddess CherryBlossom18 may be famous one day CherryBlossom18 may be famous one day CherryBlossom18's Avatar
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    Re: Valentines.

    It started out kinda sweet,but ended up being a little creepy. That was really awful of him to kill her just because she rejected him. It was a good poem though.
    "Sunset Kisses Along The Beach"
    Made for me by HolderofTheDarkChalice
    Thanks so much I love it!

  3. #3
    Otaku venelse may be famous one day venelse may be famous one day
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    Re: Valentines.

    The beginning was what I like, though the ending I dislike.
    Yet the poem seems so rhyme, I must say that you did fine

  4. #4
    Banned Rave_Grip may be famous one day Rave_Grip may be famous one day Rave_Grip's Avatar
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    Re: Valentines.

    It's more of an onsession for someone than love.. looks like a stalker to me ^^; I admit it made me interested at first but then it changed from warm to cold. >_<
    But nice job. 5/5!

  5. #5
    Otaku AngelFlow may be famous one day AngelFlow may be famous one day
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    Re: Valentines.

    I liked it,the best I read so far, it gave me some suspense toward the end.

  6. #6
    Domme Kasai may be famous one day Kasai may be famous one day Kasai's Avatar
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    Re: Valentines.

    WOW.

    Wonderful creativity and use of the rhyme scheme. -tear- this is now my fav poem here. i love the ending. I just wouldve preferred vivid words sprinkled throughout the poem. Certain words would make the stanza "pop".
    Seduced by Flesh


  7. #7
    Otaku -=Broken^Halo=- may be famous one day -=Broken^Halo=- may be famous one day -=Broken^Halo=-'s Avatar
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    Re: Valentines.

    Thanks for all the comments.. but I warned you some of you might now want to read it .. eh heh.. I'm a morbid and disturbed guy so yeah.. not to many "lovey Dovey" things come from me..

    @Kasai: Yeah.. I know.. I plan to revise it severely.. it was a quick write made to emphasize on the story... but I'll edit it here soon, till then.. I need sleep @.@
    Fr3aK~0f~N@Tu|23

  8. #8
    Domme Kasai may be famous one day Kasai may be famous one day Kasai's Avatar
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    Re: Valentines.

    Just a quick write and your results are this? I actually think the ending is something of black humor, or just plain funny to me. Either way, cant wait to see the revision.
    Seduced by Flesh


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