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Thread: Walls around my Heart

  1. #1
    Otaku Dragons2801 is off to a good start Dragons2801's Avatar
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    Walls around my Heart

    Walls erected from ice
    Shrouding all from attaining it
    Darkness swells within its grasp
    Seeing nothing except these walls

    Walls so cold and dark
    None escapes its clutches
    None enters this realm
    Many before break the walls

    Walls fall
    Heart broken once more
    They erect even stronger
    Impenetrable walls

    Walls darker and more clouded
    Manipulating all
    Sensing nothing, wishing for something
    Nothing shows from these walls

    Walls start to melt
    Warmth being felt
    Now looking to see
    What melts these walls?

    Walls crumble once more
    Seeing one that is beautiful and strong
    My heart beats fast
    Each smile prone the walls

    Walls almost gone
    Forgetting the past
    Warmth and happiness at last
    No more walls

    Please tell me how I can make this poem better please?

    within the darkened realm of the mind, is endless shadows, wrenching pain, warming love, and burning desires.

  2. #2
    Newbie Moose is off to a good start Moose's Avatar
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    Re: Walls around my Heart

    Maybe you should something in between this:

    "Walls darker and more clouded
    Manipulating all
    Sensing nothing, wishing for something
    Nothing shows from these walls

    And this:

    'Walls start to melt
    Warmth being felt
    Now looking to see
    What melts these walls?'

    Kinda give it a transition, you should ask yourself: "what made the walls melt?"
    "What were the feelings of that wall being put down?" etc.
    Overall, its a good poem i think.

    Death is as generation is, a composition of like elements, and a decompostion into the same.

  3. #3
    Newbie kingmustang is off to a good start kingmustang's Avatar
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    Re: Walls around my Heart

    Very good! I likes it, and you know me a sucker for happy endings
    Sword in hand, fire in heart, I walk towards my future just playing my part.
    The school of the undefeated East! The winds of the king! Zenshin! Keiretsu! Tempa! Kyoran! Look! The East is burning red!” (G Gundam)
    Ride Fast, Live Free & Stay strong.

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