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Thread: Wanderer

  1. #1
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    Wanderer

    Wanderer

    Staring to the endless horizon of the dessert
    Chasing after a mirage
    He can feel the sea breeze surprisingly.

    Running down the steep rocky mountain
    Following after a tumbling diamond
    He might stumble and shatters like a glass anytime.

    A traveler walking slowly through the harsh winds
    He found a grail of water
    No matter how much he drinks, his thirst will never vanish.

    Like a fish he swims through the thorns
    While scorching hot sun burns his skin
    Then salt water pours down from the heavens over him.

    A dream with
    Endless effort
    To quench a thirst
    With unbearable pain.

    _____________________________

    The latest of my work I hope it's better or as good as my poems before.. for those who never read it... what you think of this one? I could you points and tips.. and I would like to thank Lasura for helping me finishing this poem ^^ and choosing the title

    Been long since i last posted one... oh well.. enjoy ^^
    Last edited by RayMe; May 13, 2008 at 03:51 AM.

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  2. #2
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    Re: Wanderer

    ok a few things you need to focus on. Stick ot one tense. YOu'll find that if you pick a tense so either he did this... or he does this it's going to be alot better to understand. If you do this I think that the ideas you have in your head will come to light for your audience too.

    Until that happens I'm sorry but I have a hard time understanding the image that you're trying to create. It's still a good poem and the diction (words) are well picked. after you correct the minor tense problems then I can start trying to really help you because then I'll have an understanding of your ideas.
    Oh and btw nice font color ^^

    ... and join my rebellion against time.

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    RayMe (May 12, 2008)

  4. #3
    Rawr~ :3 Boxteroid Champion, flyplane Champion, Home Run Champion, Bubbelfutsch Champion, Fire Fighter Champion, Brendans Soccer Champion, Movie Star Match-Up Champion, Total blackout Champion, Text Your Reflexes Champion, Scary movie Champion, Hulk Smash Up Champion, Star Wars Champion, Extreme Snowboarding Champion, Air Disc Champion, Action Fish Champion, A Game Of 3 Halves Champion, Battleball Champion, Hacky Sack Champion, FAD 2003 Champion, SQRL Golf Champion, Dr Yeckyl and Mr Ride Champion, Sky Glide Champion, Flyer Champion, Finnair Champion, Drachenjagd Champion, Canyon Glider Champion, City Surfing Champion, Action Driving Game Champion, Extreme Rowing Champion, Kardahdg Champion, Acceleracers Track Mod Champion, Final Test Champion, Du Wichtel Champion, Pedal Power Champion, Camera Killer 2 Champion, Bike Mania on ICE Champion, ATV Winter Challenge Champion, Caliber Dash Champion, Diesel and Death Champion, Snow Ride Champion, Camera Killer Champion, Pepsi Jet Ski Champion, Bumper Cars Championship Champion, Drifting Champion, Get A Grip Champion, Rooney on the Rampage Champion, Death To Ninja Champion, Kung Fu Hustle 2 Champion, Muay Thai Champion, Metal Arm FAWEGE Champion, Knife Champion, Classroom Fighter Champion, Nobuyuki Forces 3 Champion, Caddeva Champion, Sewer Dweller Champion, Angel Mart Champion, Snowy Champion, Bola Champion, Boiler Room Champion, Bobcat Champion, Amazon Quest Champion, Booty Champion, Five Errors Champion, Mind Your Marbles Champion, Angel Fruit Champion, Binggrae Champion, Candy Shoot Champion, Imperial tiles Champion, Himalayaya - Yeti Strikes Back Champion, Terrorist Attack Champion, Americas Army Champion, Special Operations Champion, Destroy the robots Champion, Cubicle Warfare Champion, Battle Field Champion, Weapons Dealer Champion, Army Copter Champion, Flat War Champion, Terrorist Alert Champion, Bully Basher Champion, Reaktor Champion, Bungee Rescue Champion, The Contraptor Champion, Boris Champion, Carling Cold Champion, Paddleball Champion RayMe is making a name for themselves RayMe is making a name for themselves RayMe's Avatar
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    Re: Wanderer

    Lol it seems you even took the liking on the font colour.. thank you ^^ i been writing in this colour since last year i love the colour

    Hmm yes.. even my Lasura said something about the tense.. o.O i just don't understand why i won't stick to one tense when im writing anything... -.- *sighs* well i'll do better next time.. thank you for telling me again.. i just realized it's importantance... ^^

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    Re: Wanderer

    ahah no problem I wouldn't have recognized it if I wasn't doing the same thing a year ago. So yeah, it just takes a little practise. I'm sure you'll get it. As for the font I picked it to match "FIGHT" in my av.

    ... and join my rebellion against time.

  6. #5
    Rawr~ :3 Boxteroid Champion, flyplane Champion, Home Run Champion, Bubbelfutsch Champion, Fire Fighter Champion, Brendans Soccer Champion, Movie Star Match-Up Champion, Total blackout Champion, Text Your Reflexes Champion, Scary movie Champion, Hulk Smash Up Champion, Star Wars Champion, Extreme Snowboarding Champion, Air Disc Champion, Action Fish Champion, A Game Of 3 Halves Champion, Battleball Champion, Hacky Sack Champion, FAD 2003 Champion, SQRL Golf Champion, Dr Yeckyl and Mr Ride Champion, Sky Glide Champion, Flyer Champion, Finnair Champion, Drachenjagd Champion, Canyon Glider Champion, City Surfing Champion, Action Driving Game Champion, Extreme Rowing Champion, Kardahdg Champion, Acceleracers Track Mod Champion, Final Test Champion, Du Wichtel Champion, Pedal Power Champion, Camera Killer 2 Champion, Bike Mania on ICE Champion, ATV Winter Challenge Champion, Caliber Dash Champion, Diesel and Death Champion, Snow Ride Champion, Camera Killer Champion, Pepsi Jet Ski Champion, Bumper Cars Championship Champion, Drifting Champion, Get A Grip Champion, Rooney on the Rampage Champion, Death To Ninja Champion, Kung Fu Hustle 2 Champion, Muay Thai Champion, Metal Arm FAWEGE Champion, Knife Champion, Classroom Fighter Champion, Nobuyuki Forces 3 Champion, Caddeva Champion, Sewer Dweller Champion, Angel Mart Champion, Snowy Champion, Bola Champion, Boiler Room Champion, Bobcat Champion, Amazon Quest Champion, Booty Champion, Five Errors Champion, Mind Your Marbles Champion, Angel Fruit Champion, Binggrae Champion, Candy Shoot Champion, Imperial tiles Champion, Himalayaya - Yeti Strikes Back Champion, Terrorist Attack Champion, Americas Army Champion, Special Operations Champion, Destroy the robots Champion, Cubicle Warfare Champion, Battle Field Champion, Weapons Dealer Champion, Army Copter Champion, Flat War Champion, Terrorist Alert Champion, Bully Basher Champion, Reaktor Champion, Bungee Rescue Champion, The Contraptor Champion, Boris Champion, Carling Cold Champion, Paddleball Champion RayMe is making a name for themselves RayMe is making a name for themselves RayMe's Avatar
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    Re: Wanderer

    Hmm then i changed the last stanza's tenses then... is it better now? ^^

    Yup.. i noticed that from the beggining... love the font of it though hmm.. i wonder if we can change font here too... lets see...

    Uu... i can!

    What would be a great font now.. hmm...

    Maybe this one... Naww... gee...

    This seems too nerdy.. o.O Aha! This is perfect!

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