Wanderer

*RayMe* · May 11, 2008, 12:47 AM

Wanderer

Staring to the endless horizon of the dessert
Chasing after a mirage
He can feel the sea breeze surprisingly.

Running down the steep rocky mountain
Following after a tumbling diamond
He might stumble and shatters like a glass anytime.

A traveler walking slowly through the harsh winds
He found a grail of water
No matter how much he drinks, his thirst will never vanish.

Like a fish he swims through the thorns
While scorching hot sun burns his skin
Then salt water pours down from the heavens over him.

A dream with
Endless effort
To quench a thirst
With unbearable pain.

_____________________________

The latest of my work

I hope it's better or as good as my poems before.. for those who never read it... what you think of this one? I could you points and tips..

and I would like to thank Lasura for helping me finishing this poem ^^ and choosing the title

Been long since i last posted one... oh well..

enjoy ^^

Corvus · May 11, 2008, 11:54 AM

ok a few things you need to focus on. Stick ot one tense. YOu'll find that if you pick a tense so either he did this... or he does this it's going to be alot better to understand. If you do this I think that the ideas you have in your head will come to light for your audience too.

Until that happens I'm sorry but I have a hard time understanding the image that you're trying to create. It's still a good poem and the diction (words) are well picked. after you correct the minor tense problems then I can start trying to really help you because then I'll have an understanding of your ideas.
Oh and btw nice font color ^^

*RayMe* · May 12, 2008, 02:34 AM

Lol

it seems you even took the liking on the font colour..

thank you ^^ i been writing in this colour since last year

i love the colour

Hmm yes.. even my Lasura said something about the tense.. o.O i just don't understand why i won't stick to one tense when im writing anything... -.- *sighs*

well i'll do better next time.. thank you for telling me again.. i just realized it's importantance... ^^

Corvus · May 12, 2008, 05:52 PM

ahah no problem I wouldn't have recognized it if I wasn't doing the same thing a year ago. So yeah, it just takes a little practise. I'm sure you'll get it. As for the font I picked it to match "FIGHT" in my av.

*RayMe* · May 13, 2008, 03:56 AM

Hmm then i changed the last stanza's tenses then... is it better now? ^^

Yup.. i noticed that from the beggining... love the font of it though

hmm.. i wonder if we can change font here too... lets see...

Uu... i can!

What would be a great font now.. hmm...

Maybe this one... Naww... gee...

This seems too nerdy.. o.O Aha! This is perfect!

May 11, 2008, 12:47 AM	#1 (permalink)
RayMe 1 )3^^( )N Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Somewhere i would love to leave right now for somewhere better... Posts: 3,589 Thanks: 54 Thanked 26 Times in 23 Posts Credits: 58,560	Wanderer Wanderer Staring to the endless horizon of the dessert Chasing after a mirage He can feel the sea breeze surprisingly. Running down the steep rocky mountain Following after a tumbling diamond He might stumble and shatters like a glass anytime. A traveler walking slowly through the harsh winds He found a grail of water No matter how much he drinks, his thirst will never vanish. Like a fish he swims through the thorns While scorching hot sun burns his skin Then salt water pours down from the heavens over him. A dream with Endless effort To quench a thirst With unbearable pain. _____________________________ The latest of my work I hope it's better or as good as my poems before.. for those who never read it... what you think of this one? I could you points and tips.. and I would like to thank Lasura for helping me finishing this poem ^^ and choosing the title Been long since i last posted one... oh well.. enjoy ^^ __________________ Legion Ketsueki Lives on~!! The best ever Lasura~! >>>myspace<<< Last edited by RayMe; May 13, 2008 at 03:51 AM.
Status: Offline

May 11, 2008, 11:54 AM	#2 (permalink)
Corvus Diamond in the Rough Join Date: Jul 2006 Posts: 285 Thanks: 11 Thanked 26 Times in 25 Posts Credits: 13,837	Re: Wanderer ok a few things you need to focus on. Stick ot one tense. YOu'll find that if you pick a tense so either he did this... or he does this it's going to be alot better to understand. If you do this I think that the ideas you have in your head will come to light for your audience too. Until that happens I'm sorry but I have a hard time understanding the image that you're trying to create. It's still a good poem and the diction (words) are well picked. after you correct the minor tense problems then I can start trying to really help you because then I'll have an understanding of your ideas. Oh and btw nice font color ^^ __________________ ... and join my rebellion against time.
Status: Offline

May 12, 2008, 02:34 AM	#3 (permalink)
RayMe 1 )3^^( )N Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Somewhere i would love to leave right now for somewhere better... Posts: 3,589 Thanks: 54 Thanked 26 Times in 23 Posts Credits: 58,560	Re: Wanderer Lol it seems you even took the liking on the font colour.. thank you ^^ i been writing in this colour since last year i love the colour Hmm yes.. even my Lasura said something about the tense.. o.O i just don't understand why i won't stick to one tense when im writing anything... -.- sighs well i'll do better next time.. thank you for telling me again.. i just realized it's importantance... ^^ __________________ Legion Ketsueki Lives on~!! The best ever Lasura~! >>>myspace<<<
Status: Offline

May 12, 2008, 05:52 PM	#4 (permalink)
Corvus Diamond in the Rough Join Date: Jul 2006 Posts: 285 Thanks: 11 Thanked 26 Times in 25 Posts Credits: 13,837	Re: Wanderer ahah no problem I wouldn't have recognized it if I wasn't doing the same thing a year ago. So yeah, it just takes a little practise. I'm sure you'll get it. As for the font I picked it to match "FIGHT" in my av. __________________ ... and join my rebellion against time.
Status: Offline

May 13, 2008, 03:56 AM	#5 (permalink)
RayMe 1 )3^^( )N Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Somewhere i would love to leave right now for somewhere better... Posts: 3,589 Thanks: 54 Thanked 26 Times in 23 Posts Credits: 58,560	Re: Wanderer Hmm then i changed the last stanza's tenses then... is it better now? ^^ Yup.. i noticed that from the beggining... love the font of it though hmm.. i wonder if we can change font here too... lets see... Uu... i can! What would be a great font now.. hmm... Maybe this one... Naww... gee... This seems too nerdy.. o.O Aha! This is perfect! __________________ Legion Ketsueki Lives on~!! The best ever Lasura~! >>>myspace<<<
Status: Offline

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