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Thread: Water

  1. #1
    Abomination Smacky Champion, Celebrity Power Lifte Champion, Crash Test Dummy High Jump Champion, Super Track 2001 Champion, Endless Flight Champion, Drop Kick Champion, Bloody Rage Champion, Dropkick The Faint Champion, Splash Back Champion Spin Da Ish is off to a good start Spin Da Ish's Avatar
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    Water

    I flow forward,
    I flow back,
    I flow left,
    I flow right,
    I flow around,
    I stop with no sound,
    I know, no matter where i go,
    I'm still water,

    I reflect all to Marvel your face,
    I reflect your beauty,
    I refect your image,
    I watch until you go away,
    I know, no matter who i've shone,
    I'm still water,

    I provide life,
    I was not givin life to have,
    I have fish live in me,
    I let people drink what i am,
    I know, no matter what lives in me,
    Im still water.


    I know its a little repetitive but It was all i could think of at the spot. I forgot my poem book at school >,<

  2. #2
    Domme Kasai may be famous one day Kasai may be famous one day Kasai's Avatar
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    Re: Water

    hmmm. I like the use of reptition. Now, if you can change up your words and use some sort of imagery, that would be nice.
    Seduced by Flesh


  3. #3
    Abomination Smacky Champion, Celebrity Power Lifte Champion, Crash Test Dummy High Jump Champion, Super Track 2001 Champion, Endless Flight Champion, Drop Kick Champion, Bloody Rage Champion, Dropkick The Faint Champion, Splash Back Champion Spin Da Ish is off to a good start Spin Da Ish's Avatar
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    Re: Water

    Quote Originally Posted by Kasai View Post
    hmmm. I like the use of reptition. Now, if you can change up your words and use some sort of imagery, that would be nice.
    Imagery? what would you mean by that? and what word should i change cuz i really like teh idea of this poem

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    Devoted Otaku BlueFox1 may be famous one day BlueFox1 may be famous one day BlueFox1's Avatar
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    Re: Water

    What Kasai means by imagery is presenting an image in the reader's head as they read the poem. I agree with Kasai as far as the imagery goes, but over all it's a great poem! Keep up the good work and I look forward to seeing more of you work!

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    Lost In My Own World Fishing the Sea Champion, LastTank Standing Champion Ky-lyrra may be famous one day Ky-lyrra may be famous one day Ky-lyrra's Avatar
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    Re: Water

    now this is something that I really liked to read there's not that much but just enough to let you visualize what you mean. It's just enough to understand what you were trying to say. Keep up your good work and hope to see more soon.
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    Decapitation?DontBePicky! Raimann may be famous one day Raimann may be famous one day Raimann's Avatar
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    Re: Water

    Quote Originally Posted by Spin Da Ish View Post
    Imagery? what would you mean by that? and what word should i change cuz i really like teh idea of this poem
    he means that you should describe the water better. your lines are ok and the flow is decent, but you have to complex some of the word. you use some easy words, and with compelx words, it brinGS OUT the beauty of the water. it could be longer and maybe describe the water more as people have said

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    Newbie Seraphim Tears may be famous one day Seraphim Tears may be famous one day Seraphim Tears's Avatar
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    Re: Water

    I agree with Kasai indeed. Other than that, it's a really good poem.
    Live life to the fullest and never stop.

  8. #8
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    Re: Water

    Your poem is good. I was amazed because water is the speaker of the poem. You made it possible to communicate with the reader directly. The second stanza captivated me the most. In addition, your perception about water as life, made the poem more beautiful.
    I suggest to give more description and image on the first stanza. Keep up the good work.

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