I sit by an empty window
i stir my drink softly
i listen to breeze
What am i doing here
sighing away my life
watching happy children pass by
singing..laughing..playing..
happiness..love..
i long for you
i cant even speak your name
i cant even think of your name
my heart clinches
my stomach falls violently to the floor
i feel light headed
and wonder why i just cant stop
my breathing gets heavier
my body weak
your ghostly smile haunting my every thought so bad..
i dont dare think
i think to myself
why not just jab a dagger in my chest
to relieve this godforsaken pain
after all youve already done worse to me
that would just ease it
my head feels like it's about to explode
im beyond crying
all i can do now is just stare
im afraid to close my eyes
im afraid to dream
because what if i dream of you?
I really like the concept of this poem. You kinda to what I feeling now and put it into words. *coughs* Anyway..... You may want to shorten this poem by taking out unnecessary words and combinding sentences. It would make the flow better, but you would still be able to get your point across. Like I said, I loved the concept, it just needs some tweeking to get it to sound really good.
Well... this was... this really made me feel a bit uneasy too- you've done a great work with descriptions. And the emotion in it was very nice too... I really liked how you made me just imagine it all...
The only thing:
That is kinda odd... lol ^^ What do you mean with it? I just think if it's ment like- "I puke" then this poem would be kinda better without it, though I know the sick, sick feeling in the stomach at times like that...my stomach falls violently to the floor
Also you could improve the flow a bit in the next ones I guess... this felt kinda odd at times.
Anyways- a really nice work and I really, really hope to see more from you ^^
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