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Thread: What did you do to me?

  1. #1
    Otaku Celebrity Fight Club Champion itachigirl is off to a good start
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    What did you do to me?

    I sit by an empty window
    i stir my drink softly
    i listen to breeze
    What am i doing here
    sighing away my life
    watching happy children pass by
    singing..laughing..playing..
    happiness..love..
    i long for you
    i cant even speak your name
    i cant even think of your name
    my heart clinches
    my stomach falls violently to the floor
    i feel light headed
    and wonder why i just cant stop
    my breathing gets heavier
    my body weak
    your ghostly smile haunting my every thought so bad..
    i dont dare think
    i think to myself
    why not just jab a dagger in my chest
    to relieve this godforsaken pain
    after all youve already done worse to me
    that would just ease it
    my head feels like it's about to explode
    im beyond crying
    all i can do now is just stare
    im afraid to close my eyes
    im afraid to dream
    because what if i dream of you?

  2. #2
    ~always by your side~ Radarix Champion, Virus 2 Champion, Virus 3 Champion fireandice is off to a good start fireandice's Avatar
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    Re: What did you do to me?

    I really like the concept of this poem. You kinda to what I feeling now and put it into words. *coughs* Anyway..... You may want to shorten this poem by taking out unnecessary words and combinding sentences. It would make the flow better, but you would still be able to get your point across. Like I said, I loved the concept, it just needs some tweeking to get it to sound really good.

  3. #3
    Angelic Lasura may be famous one day Lasura's Avatar
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    Re: What did you do to me?

    Well... this was... this really made me feel a bit uneasy too- you've done a great work with descriptions. And the emotion in it was very nice too... I really liked how you made me just imagine it all...

    The only thing:
    my stomach falls violently to the floor
    That is kinda odd... lol ^^ What do you mean with it? I just think if it's ment like- "I puke" then this poem would be kinda better without it, though I know the sick, sick feeling in the stomach at times like that...

    Also you could improve the flow a bit in the next ones I guess... this felt kinda odd at times.

    Anyways- a really nice work and I really, really hope to see more from you ^^

    My recommended fanfic: "Dreamer" by Scourge

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