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Thread: When do I die?

  1. #1
    PiNk HaIr FaNaTiC Boo45 may be famous one day Boo45 may be famous one day Boo45's Avatar
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    When do I die?

    I look out into the wayward sky
    And pray to God that I do not die
    Walking around, my vision goes black
    Before i knew it i was laying on my back
    Looking up as the sun blinds my sight
    And caresses my skin with warming light
    As the wind came gentle, i fell asleep
    I felt my arms and legs sink four quarters deep
    There on the ground i lay dead
    But my world shattered and i woke in bed
    I came to realize that it was all a fantasy
    And that it was not the end of me
    I'll live for today, and live for this
    That one day I'll die in eternal bliss

    By: Chris N. of the top of my head =D

  2. #2
    Shichibukai JefferyXie may be famous one day JefferyXie may be famous one day JefferyXie's Avatar
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    Re: When do I die?

    This poem flows quite smoothly.But if there was one thing i would ask you is to write some more that has more than a stanza(paragraphs)and would touch the reader's heart and then i would say that your poems is supurb.But it isn't too bad.

  3. #3
    Domme Kasai may be famous one day Kasai may be famous one day Kasai's Avatar
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    Re: When do I die?

    The lack of punctuation doesnt effect the flow. Cool and nice job.
    Seduced by Flesh


  4. #4
    Decapitation?DontBePicky! Raimann may be famous one day Raimann may be famous one day Raimann's Avatar
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    Re: When do I die?

    IN the poem why do u write 'lie on ur back'
    is that like the first stage of death?
    i did not like the ideas cuz they are not fresh
    but the total poem, if revised, could be kool
    and maybe throw in some metaphores bout 'perfect death'

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