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Thread: Who's fault is it?

  1. #1
    Banned Rave_Grip may be famous one day Rave_Grip may be famous one day Rave_Grip's Avatar
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    Standing in the middle
    Standing in the middle ...

    Amidst all the confusion,
    Between all the sock,
    Standing in the middle
    For what I believe to be my end

    Not knowing what to do
    Not knowing how to not tremble
    In fear, tears, that sickening feeling in the gut

    It’s haunting
    It is haunting

    Contemplated by the horrible truth
    The shards of broken trust
    Memories shattered like a sewer glass
    Love ventured off …
    Oblivion

    Shock haunts
    Innocence gone
    Trust broken [or so I think-

    My fault?
    Her fault?

    Finally regaining my senses
    I realize those broken entities [love, trust]
    Being stabbed by all of them,

    …. I crash on my knees
    My arms clutching around my waist
    Is it my fault? Is it MY fault?
    My head bangs on to the floor

    That sickening feeling reviving
    NO! BACK DOWN!

    Numbness fading away
    I curse; waiting for it to come
    I don’t want to feel that again …

    Broken trust, delusion of love
    Who’s fault is it?

    It could be my fault …
    I couldn’t trust her

    [The feeling creeps up, my body begins to shiver]
    Did I push her to commit those acts?
    In arms of others?
    Not letting me express myself when I wanted?

    I can’t let those feelings out.

    I shake uncontrollably, by body swaying from side
    To side

    Who’s fault?
    I smash into things and pieces
    My throat feels like stone
    Crying won’t help
    Bleeding won’t ease nor sooth

    I lay there, pathetically, knowing I’m no good
    It’s sickening …

    Oh, before some of you get all happy, this is a poem I wrote in exagerated form, idea taken by a drama play.

    EDIT: -
    Sorry for the double post -__-;;
    Last edited by gren; Dec 01, 2007 at 10:34 AM.

  2. #2
    Angelic Lasura may be famous one day Lasura's Avatar
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    Re: Who's fault is it?

    WoW... nice.... Such emotion... and such great descriptions of these feelings that I remembered the last time I felt like that... it's not of the nicest things to remember yet... it's great of you to be able to bring that back and... it's good to remember because it makes you understand how important it is to guard what you have, not let yourself to make mistakes...


    Hmmm... I really liked the flow of this- it somehow carried me through the poem, like a fast stream in the water- carried me through, making my heart beat faster... And the repetition is just haunting...

    There's nothing I didn't like in this... this is a very unordinary poem- very cool. you don't write much, but, when you do, it is great.

    So nice work and I hope to see more... ^^

    P.s. You could have eddited your poem post

    My recommended fanfic: "Dreamer" by Scourge

  3. #3
    Banned Rave_Grip may be famous one day Rave_Grip may be famous one day Rave_Grip's Avatar
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    Re: Who's fault is it?

    Hehe, thank you ^_^; I feel from my heart and write from my brain, but my hands are just tools Funny thing is, I always write when I feel emotions, not sense them, and what's more, I always think when writing, worrying if my emotions would fade away or not.

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    Re: Who's fault is it?

    i could feel my head hitting the floor @.@ vivid.... love the writing style.. but kinda make me read fast.. it suggests anger in writing this poem.. the emotion in this poem flourished nicely with it... a well written one i must say... one of the best of yours it is..

    nicely done.. keep up the good work... (LK's army to the rescue~!!! support the members

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    Re: Who's fault is it?

    I like the vivid usage of words in this poem! You honestly did and awesome job writing this in exagerated form it's a very hard thing to do. This is my favorite part of you poem simply for the image it presents, because at one point or another we will all go through something similar to this:

    Who’s fault?
    I smash into things and pieces
    My throat feels like stone
    Crying won’t help
    Bleeding won’t ease nor sooth

    Overall I don't see any gramatical errors, and I also notice that you seem to like free verse poetry. Definitely my type of poem simply because the end rhyme doesn't really suit me! I be waiting for another one from you Rave to critique and make you better.

  6. #6
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    Re: Who's fault is it?

    Thank you Ray and Bluey
    Long time no see to you! ^_^

    And yes, I believe that the notion of poems being "rhythmatic" is is just not my type.
    Let the feelings flow, you know

    And that line: -
    I smash into things and pieces
    goes both ways

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