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Thread: Why?

  1. #1
    ~Counting Down the Days~ NevesElocin may be famous one day NevesElocin may be famous one day NevesElocin's Avatar
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    Why?

    Why do you hate me so much?
    I've never done anything to you
    You simply hate me because of the color of my skin

    I never understood why that is
    I'm still human
    I breathe in and out just like you do

    I have thoughts and desires
    Treasures and dreams
    What makes me so inferior to you?

    I could understand if I had done something to you in the past
    But I've just met you
    How could you hate me so much to call me that name
    And to spit in my face

    Even though you hate me
    I would never think of hurting you
    If you needed help I would happily give it
    If that meant giving my life I would

    I truly believe you're a good person
    I see the way you react to your children
    You're so sweet and kind
    Why cant you be that way to me?

    Tears and panic filled you when you saw your own son walked away
    I brought him back and you couldn't even stand to thank me
    Everyone has someone precious to them
    Even me

    Please don't carry hate in your heart
    Or it will end up killing you
    And your precious ones
    Will be left alone
    Without a mother

    And no one
    Should suffer that kind of loss


    Our love will go on until the end of time. I will always be yours and you will be mine.

  2. #2
    「Someone」 Goo Slasher Champion, Fish Kill Champion, Rapid Motion Champion, Cell-Out Champion, Sober Santa 2 Champion, Flower Girl Champion KuwiRules145 is off to a good start KuwiRules145's Avatar
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    Re: Why?

    Nice poem!!! It seem sad as well but it was just awesome since well some parts to me seem so romantic. I hope to see more!!!
    「When I'm sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead」

  3. #3
    is On Point Abu Dhabi is making a name for themselves Abu Dhabi is making a name for themselves Abu Dhabi's Avatar
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    Re: Why?

    very deep material here! what you're saying is good, but when the poem sounds like thought (that's what i got from you're poem, that you were thinking) i think it would help if it if sounded like a string of words to show that...

    also, you could show how your confusion grows by the shape of your poem. see, your stanzas differ in the amount of lines, which isn't bad, but gives it a lack of form...

    maybe you could try to gradually give your stanzas more lines, but keep it constant...

    example:

    -------
    ---------
    ------

    -------
    ---------
    -----------
    ---------

    -------
    ---------
    -----------
    --------
    -----------

    you see? by keeping it consistent, it shows more consistency and depth of your thought since it's not going all over the place!

    ^o^ i hope this helps! keep making the good stuff!

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